Month: July 2006

One of my favorite ancient characters is Diogenes of Sinope. Born in Turkey about 400 years before Christ, he was a student of Antisthenes (444-370 BC), who was himself a pupil of Socrates. His philosophy was “marked by an ostentatious contempt for ease, wealth, and the enjoyments of life.” Diogenes would have had a field day skewering the consumerism and materialism in modern day America. One of the things that I love about Diogenes is his moniker. The irascible philosopher was known as Diogenes the Cynic. What a great name! How cool would that be to have a title like that? It certainly is better than Diogenes of Sinope. I would gladly swap Dave of Garland for Dave the Self-Deprecating as my appellation any day.

One story relates that while Diogenes was sunning himself, the powerful and feared Alexander the Great came up to him and offered to grant him any request. “Stand out of my light,” he replied. For a man who lived in a tub that was probably all he needed at that point in time.

When asked what wine he found most pleasant to drink, Diogenes replied, “That for which other people pay.” (So I actually do think like some of the great philosophers at times). But the name Diogenes is most known to the general populace as the man who would stroll through the Agora at full daylight with a torch (or, as legend sometimes has it, a lantern). When asked about it, he would answer, “I am just looking for an honest man”.

While I part company on much of Diogenes philosophy his search for an honest man resonates with me. This will likely sound harsher than intended but sometimes I feel like taking up the lantern and going out in search of one authentic Christian. Please hold the emails about how negative and judgmental I am. I know they are out there. But what breaks my heart is how many people are not living an authentic and transparent life as followers of Jesus. That is what those outside of the body of Christ see far too often. Is that a smokescreen to avoid the question of who Jesus really is? Of course it can be. But I do not want on my ledger that I was a person that someone looked at to evaluate the Christian faith and they saw nothing. Or at least not enough to find it compelling.

That is why I would choose Dave the Self-Deprecating as my title. I am not using the definition of self-deprecating that means to undervalue one’s abilities. That would be a false humility. I am talking about being able to see and admit your shortcomings. Simply being honest and real. I have to admit that I have grown to really dislike the smug little phrase “I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” I know it is true but I have seen that used as a convenient excuse for not doing the right thing. Part of the acknowledgment of forgiveness and grace is realizing how much we need to forgive and extend grace. Every time I fail as a representative of Jesus I need to repent (change direction) and repair the damage.

I began my book When Bad Christians Happen to Good People with this disclaimer.

I am a hypocrite. I can be arrogant and selfish. I have been known to stretch, conceal, or slightly massage the truth. I am sometimes inconsiderate and insecure. I struggle with lust and impure thoughts. My ego often rages out of control, and I battle foolish pride. I can be lazy and foolhardy with my time. I get angry, petty, and ill-tempered. I am sarcastic and cynical.

I am a Christian.

That is real. I am a sinner saved by grace. The parts of Diongene’s philosophies that apply to me are summed up in these points.

• Living by personal example
  
• Exposing the falsehood of conventional thinking
  
• Exposing vice and conceit

That would be a decent road map for a follower of Jesus.

• Walk what you talk
  
• Share the hope that is in Jesus, not in this world
  
• Hold one another accountable in our walk

If Diogenes were walking around Garland with his lantern looking for one authentic Christian and ran into me…would he put his lamp down? Would his quest be complete if he encountered you?

 

 

 

Recently my bride and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. I wish I could say it has been 30 years of wine and roses. Or,  for my legalistic friends, 30 years of Welch’s and practical cut flowers. But it has not always been easy. Neither one of us came into this little nuptial adventure with any idea of what we were doing. So I was a little disturbed to pick up a publication today that would have told me everything that women wished that men knew. How helpful that little bit of info would have been in 1976 instead of 2006. But I decided to proceed to see if I had figured anything out on my own.

The survey was a joint effort of Woman’s Day Magazine and AOL. The title of the article is “What we wish men knew”. Here are some of the findings with my totally objective self-evaluation of my beginning marriage grade and current grade.

When you tell him you’re “fine,” what you really mean is…

   I want to talk about what’s bothering me, even if I say I don’t: 43%
   I’m not fine, and no, I don’t want to talk about it: 34%
   I’m good, thanks for asking: 23%

It only took me 27 years or so but I did figure this one out. On the guy curve that makes me slightly above average.

1976 grade –  D
2006 grade – B+

You can tell your husband is listening when he…

   Looks me straight in the eyes: 42%
   Does the talking. Then I know he’s listening: 20%
   Nods his head in agreement.    11%

My wife knows that my nodding my head in agreement only indicates that my head is still attached. Even looking her straight in the eyes does not necessary mean I am residing on the same planet at that moment. I think I have lots of room for improvement in this category.  

1976 grade – F
2006 grade – C

What’s missing most from your relationship?

   Physical intimacy—holding hands, kissing: 35%
   Conversation. He thinks communication happens during halftime: 27%
   Time alone. We’re in desperate need of a vacation—sans children: 22%
   Nothing. I couldn’t ask for a more fulfilling relationship: 16%

First of all, the conversation phraseology in this question is slanted. Every thinking man knows that communication can also occur during commercials and replay challenges. But I digress. Since this is a current grade I would have to say it is an A– at this point in our relationship.

What household chore would you most like your husband to help with?

      Just take out the trash!: 31%
      Cooking. He makes a mean hamburger: 30%
      Laundry. How hard is it to put a load in?: 23%
      There’s no way he can make the bed the way I like it. I’d rather do it myself: 16%

It is not hard to put a load in. It is a little harder to get the clothes back in the same color and size. My current grade on this question is definitely better. We do disagree at times on the need to dust. Joni can spot subatomic particles while I need a dust-ball to be the size of a chihuahua to notice. For that area of needed growth I give myself a B + .

You would rather marry a man who…?

   Makes you laugh like Will Ferrell: 54%
   Has more money than Bill Gates: 21%
   Is mysterious like Robert DeNiro: 15%
   Has washboard abs like Matthew McConaughey: 10%

Thank God that Joni was in the majority here. I could make her laugh and she somehow did not notice the rest of the presentation. I did not score any points for money, mystery, and especially for washboard abs. Still my abs can be described by a laundry room item. They, unfortunately, are Downey Soft.

 After a bad day, you’d like him to…

      Give me a hug: 54%
      Listen to my problems—without trying to solve them: 21%
      Offer to make dinner and put the kids to bed: 18%
      Fix me a drink (a cold Nehi Orange for my legalistic friends): 7%

Getting better. It took awhile to learn the try not to solve the problems part. It is hard for men to understand the concept of talking without having to reach a conclusion. Weird.

1976 Grade – C
2006 Grade – A –

The survey reported that 64% said they would rather be with a man who is poor and attractive than rich and unattractive.

I wish I could believe that. My anecdotal experience tells me the percentages are likely reversed.

Another ladies magazine (Ladies Home Journal) used to run a feature called “Can this marriage be saved?”.  I suspect if we had been honest with the therapist during our early years the prognosis would have been bleak. But we had two things going for us. We believed that the commitment we made on July 17, 1976 was binding. So we had to choose to make it work or choose to be miserable.  

Second, we both had a commitment to our faith in Christ. Jesus was clear that the plan was for a marriage to stay together.

But God’s plan was seen from the beginning of creation, for `He made them male and female.’`This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one,  let no one separate them, for God has joined them together.”  Mark 10  NLT

This is not about making anyone feel guilty. I am simply saying that apart from Jesus I suspect that Joni and I would not have made it. That should be the story of more Christians and not that the divorce rate is no different for Christians than the general populace. That is just unbelievable to a cynical, watching world.

I am so grateful that we stayed together. I am so grateful that Joni was patient enough to allow me to figure some of this stuff out. These surveys are fun and can even be instructive. But for me trying to learn how to love my bride like Christ loves His church is even better than taking the garbage out. I still have a long way toward that goal. It should be keep me busy for the rest of our nuptial adventure.

 

This has been a hot Texas summer. Even by Texas standards this has been a scorching July. How hot has it been? Thank you for asking.

• The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• You discover that in July  it takes only 1 finger to drive your car.
  (Note to environmental hall monitors…I am not making light of global warming. Please work with me on the analogy to follow. I wrote about how it is not easy to be green and evangelical in an earlier post.)

We are struggling to keep our lawn alive while trying to be good citizens and obeying the water conservation guidelines. Some flowers planted by our entry way have lost the battle and died. Others struggle to hang on even though we try to give them the water they need to survive. But right in the midst of the brown grass and dead flowers there are weeds springing up in healthy and green defiance of the struggle around them. And it occured to me that this is a metaphor for my Christian journey. The weeds in my life grow easily and without thought. They require no intellectual or spiritual nourishment. They just pop up.

Weeds in the yard need no care or attention. They grow in a crack in the driveway or in the middle of dead flowers. In any condition or type of soil the weeds will thrive. It takes effort to keep the weeds out…not to grow them. It requires a conscious and consistent approach to keep a yard and garden weed free.

The same principle applies to my journey with Jesus. I have weeds that grow easily in my Christian life. These weeds inhibit the growth of the fruit that Jesus tells me that I should be producing. Weeds of  laziness, lack of discipline, selfishness, and pride grow quickly and choke out the fruit that I know I should be displaying. Satan would have you think that weeds do not grow in your soul’s garden when the other fruit is growing nicely. That is a lie. They can and those spiritual weeds can happen overnight. A lack of awareness of that fact will cause the weeds to creep in and eventually destroy or at least damage the fruit.

Here is the uncomfortable bottom line. If I am a Christian living in a right relationship with Jesus then others will be able to inspect my life and find fruit.

Period.

In the Gospel of John Christ says that “my true disciples bear much fruit.”  Hmmm. I don’t really see a way around that. It is easy to grow weeds and hard to produce fruit. But no matter how hot or dry or difficult the soil might be the Lord is saying I will still bear fruit if I am His disciple.

That is all I have for today because I have to go look in the mirror. I think I will find the key to a reduced crop of  fruit production staring back at me.

 

 

My wife has many endearing qualities. But she has one trait that is really annoying. She has a amazingly fine tuned balderdash detector. I toyed with other words to title her detector but decided that even a Bad Christian should show some decorum now and then. Her gift is a problem for me. I am a world class vendor of “balderdash”. So occasionally I find myself in an uncomfortable moment. One of those moments that I used to hate was when Joni would ask me this question.

“What is God teaching you?”

I hated that question. How can you fake an answer to that one? Even if I could fool my bride (unlikely) I could certainly not fool the object of the question. I would hem and haw and then come to the uncomfortable truth.

Not much.

And that was a real revelation to me. If I could not answer that question then there is not much going on in my relationship with God. When I could not answer that question I was stagnant in my walk at best and headed in reverse at worst. Recently I have not dreaded the question from my beloved. Because God is teaching me a lot during our joint journey through Joni’s breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. Not long after diagnosis day (cancer patients and family understand the impact of  D-Day) I wrote a blog about the beginning of our journey. The article was called “Sentences that change your life”. I reviewd that as I pondered what I have learned.

So what is God teaching me through this trial? Three things immediately came to mind. 

1. I am learning that my trust is only in Him. I have no ability to control this situation. I cannot make a joke that will diffuse cancer. I can’t come up with a clever plan to circumvent this disease. I can’t ignore it and hopes it goes away. I can’t procrastinate and deal with it later. Cancer is in my face and I have no control over anything. It has been humbling and frustrating. But ultimately I have had to confess that I am helpless. King David understood in this Psalm where his strength came from… I love you, LORD; you are my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.
   
   
2. I am learning that most of what we agonize over in the mundane struggles of daily living is a giant pile of, uhh, balderdash. This has been a lesson and a struggle at the same time. I find myself getting frustrated and even angry when others get upset over insignificant things. I am learning that is my problem and not theirs. I am accountable for me. I want to grab these whiners by the shoulders, shake them, and tell them how much they have to be thankful for. But I am learning that my response is to silently be grateful for my blessings. And one of those blessings is not going ballistic over nothing. My fear is that I will forget this lesson when we finish this arduous journey. Feel free to call me on that if you observe me forgetting what matters. Please.
   
   
3. I am learning that God is in control of everything. Joni told me yesterday an amazing insight that God is teaching her. Part of the struggle of this journey is your expectations of how others respond. You go into a crisis like this expecting that this person will respond this way and this person will respond that way. If your experience is like ours you will be wrong much of the time. We have been amazed at how some people come out of nowhere to support and uplift your spirits. Others you would have expected to do that do not respond according to your expectations. Joni found a devotion in a book called Praying Through Cancer. This particular article was talking about how God chooses those people that He wants to care for us. He places in their hearts a desire to pray, comfort, and reach out to us. We have been so blessed by so many who have done that in our journey. But Satan causes you to dwell on someone you “expected” to be there. I am learning that God is in control of even who cares for us. Why should I dwell on a negative when He has chosen so many wonderful people to share this journey with us.

Paul writes powerfully to the Roman church.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Joni and I are learning so much. It is a tough class. We are ready to finish this course and advance. But I pray we will never forget what God is teaching us through this time.

May I annoy you by asking….what is God teaching you?

 

 

 

Regular readers of these ramblings have been contacting me this week. Thousands of irate viewers…uhh…make that hundreds….okay….seven people have written to ask what is going on? “Why I have been *&*#$^ banned from your website?” asked one reader who represents the demographic I reach. For a week I received the same message that all of you read.

“You (Bad Christian) are not authorized to view this (your very own site) website. Contact the webmaster if you think this is in error.”

And therein was the problem.

My webguy was busy cruising the seas with his beautiful bride and had no email access. Apparently a new spam filter installed to block some very persistent jerks decided to block all of us as well. Since I could not contact him we were caught in a perfect cyber storm.

So please forgive us. And be encouraged that starting Monday you will be deluged with several days of  pent up “Bad Christian” rants! Thanks for your patience. It is good to be back. Hope all seven of you feel the same!

 

The website went down a week ago and we have been unable to keep you updated via this site. So much has happened that I decided to put this update in the form of an old movie serial…

First of all we must update you on the previous episodes.

When last we left you we were poring over Joni’s white blood cell count after the last round of the very difficult A/C chemotherapy.

The counts were low but good enough for us to venture on a little R&R adventure to a lake cabin in Arkansas. We left on July 10th and headed to the hills of Ouchita National Forest.

All was going well until late in the week when Joni began to have some pain in her right arm. A late night call on Friday to our doctors in Dallas was a little unnerving. They were afraid Joni had developed blood clots and they advised us to find an emergency room right away. That was not an option in the county we were visiting. The nearest big cities were Hot Springs or Little Rock. My bride and I decided to head to Hot Springs at 11 pm in search of an emergency room.

We found the hospital and got a nurse evaluation immediately.

We were ushered into a room promptly and they ran some weird tests on Joni.

The bad news was that she did have three small blood clots. We were discouraged and little frightened. The doctor gave Joni a shot to keep the clots from increasing in size and we headed back to our lake house. Arriving at 5 am we took a little nap and then headed back to Dallas.

Part of this adventure was that Joni had to give herself a shot of the blood thinner medication each morning. This is a shot of her contemplating that the first time.

But she soon conquered that and has been giving herself shots until the other medicine gets to acceptable levels. The biggest fear was whether the blood clots had effected Joni’s port and we would have to do the next round of chemo intravenously or have another port installed. Joni did have the first round of the new regimen intravenously last Wednesday and then we did another test to see if Joni’s port was compromised. We prayed and anxiously awaited the results.

The blood clots are a concern but where they are located does not present a real danger. We have been given the symptoms to watch for to make sure nothing is changing. And we are PRAISING GOD as we report that her port is clear and we can resume using the port for the rest of her chemo.

And further good news. This round of chemo (so far) has been much easier! Joni is feeling pretty darn good and she is getting back to normal activities.

We feel like we are right back on target to defeat this foe.

Thanks for praying. Thanks for your patience while the website was down. We are really excited about the good news of late. Joni had prayed that God would send some encouragement and He has answered that request. We are encouraged about the port being clear, that this round of chemo is not so brutal, and that we are knocking down mile markers on this journey.

I look forward to the day (just a few months off) that Joni will be her irrepressible self.

We love all of you.

Dave

 

 

 

 

I am taking a week off to spend with my bride. I am posting “gently read” articles from the very early days of this blog. Some of these posts are like new…only read by little old ladies on Sunday afternoons. Seriously, many of you missed these offerings. I hope you find something to enjoy.

Blessings,

Dave

 

First I must apologize to the three or four readers who eagerly show up each weekday to read these ramblings. I was stuck on the road with a defective power pack and no other computer access. So I have to admit that I “blogged” down for a couple of days. Sorry. I am now powered up and ready to ramble.

Last night I was returning from a corporate meeting being held at a casino in Uncasville, Connecticut. Your reaction was likely the same as mine. Unca – where? Turns out it is about an hour from Hartford. But that is a future blog.

My panic happened during a routine and boring flight from Hartford to home in Dallas. I was bored with the movie and tired of reading. As I absently mindedly fiddled with my wedding band it somehow flipped up and disappeared around my seat. I immediately thought of my bride and how I would explain this one. I can always play the idiot card and that is hard to trump with me. But I knew this carried a little emotional impact beyond losing some jewelry.

I pictured that little band of gold laying somewhere on the peanut littered floor. What were the ramifications of losing it? It can be replaced I reasoned. She will understand. It is just a ring. My logic was solid and then I realized that I didn’t buy it either.

I had upgraded to first class and my seat was in the back row of the cabin so finding the ring would not be so easy. Because the passenger next to me was watching the movie I decided to wait until the movie was over to disturb him to look for the ring.  That gave me time to panic and to think.

The ring was not expensive. It was not even my first wedding band (my first one came with a gumball so I had upgraded once). But that missing ring had meaning beyond it’s pawn shop value. I had mentioned this ring in my book When Bad Christians Happen to Good People. The ring had become my symbol for what it is important in my life. There are four very small diamonds that represent the four children that have blessed our lives. Three wonderful sons are a constant source of pride and love. The fourth diamond represents our daughter Katie who died after fourteen unexpected months with us. Unexpected because Katie was only supposed to live hours or maybe days. The entertwined gold strands symbolized how my bride and I had somehow merged two very different lives into one indivisible marriage. When things get tough I have trained myself to look at that ring and it reminds me about what matters.

I thought of the nearly thirty year journey that Joni and I have traveled. I am fortunate in one thing. I married my trophy wife first and saved the hassle. But when our wedding pictures are dragged out I have to laugh. There I am with bad 70’s hair and my baby blue Dumb and Dumber tuxedo. And there is Joni looking gorgeous with her beautiful blue eyes and infectious smile. The reaction is the same for nearly every person who views those photos. A thought bubble rises over their heads with the question…”What was she thinking?”.  I have no idea. I am sure she has asked the same thing. But she has hung in with me and trusted God. She has never tried to change who I am but she has always challenged me to develop my unique design in partnership with the God who loves me. She has prayed for me and our boys more than I can even comprehend. When our marriage monitor flat lined a few years ago she did not give up. That ring symbolized the trials and the triumphs. I breathed a prayer that I would find the ring.

The flight attendant loaned me a flashlight and I crawled as best I could under the seats looking for my ring. With my derriere sticking unceremoniously into the aisle I looked in every nook and cranny. Nothing. Finally I flashed the light back into the seat bracket corner and there it was. I was relieved to find the ring and, frankly, to get my posterior out of the aisle. Slipping the ring back on I realized the value of symbols. Losing that ring would not have changed my love for my wife or our relationship. But that symbol is a reminder of love and the mystery of two lives becoming one.

      And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife….   The Message Ephesians 5

It is a mystery. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for the potholes and the detours and the times of smooth traveling. I am grateful I chose not to exit or turn around when the journey got tough.

There is another symbol that I cherish. It is called the cross. And I would suggest that what happened there is the reason that Joni and I are still together in this mysterious and wonderful journey.