Month: June 2007

Every dad leaves a legacy. I have learned a few things through trial and many errors about being a dad who is trying to leave a positive legacy. Previous installments detailed two ways to leave a good legacy.

1. Love your wife
2. Be an encouragement to your kids

Today we will examine two more ways to establish a positive legacy. And we are adding a very dangerous twist today. I polled my three sons about my strengths and (gasp) shortcomings as their father. Those knee-buckling results were sobering and instructive.

First, the third way to leave a positive legacy as a dad.

   3.  Enjoy every mile of the journey

The best description I have heard about being a parent is this bit of wisdom:  “Parenting…the days are long and the years are short.”

In his book, Being a Good Dad When You Didn’t Have One, Tim Wesemann gives his readers a two-word piece of advice: “Lighten up!”  He says that adults laugh an average of 15 times a day while children laugh 400 more times. “Sometime between childhood and adulthood, we lose 385 laughs a day! That’s a great loss!” Wesemann says.  “Maybe we need not only the faith of a child but the funny bone of one as well.”

I agree. One of my favorite moments happened on a family trip. Brett is several years younger than his siblings. I was addressing his older brothers’ behavior when I snapped at the boys and said in my best dad voice, “You are acting like children.” Brett was only five, and he thought I was including him in the accusation. He pondered the comment and then said, “But I am a children.” The laughter from the backseat derailed my dad authority, and it definitely lightened the moment. The family that can laugh together has a huge advantage in the journey.

The Psalmist wrote these words:  “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Sometimes it is hard to remember what a blessing those little ones are when they are holding their breath at Wal-Mart. I encourage parents to enjoy every phase of their children’s journey. And I learned that what your children take away as favorite memories may be surprising. One of the questions I asked my sons was their favorite memories of time with me. I expected that they would remember the big trips we took together or some expensive outing. I was humbled by their responses.

Firstborn son Matt:   “My favorite memories are throwing the baseball/football in the front yard of our Pecan Valley house, going to baseball games, and growing up around sports.” 

Secondborn son Scott:   “Playing catch in the backyard for hours on end, even when your knees hurt.  Going to cut down Christmas Trees every November and stopping at the Dairy Queen on the way home.”

Youngest son Brett:   “You coaching my sports teams and going to cut down the Christmas tree.”

It was the little things that counted for them. The memories that really mattered to them were things that cost me only time. Each one of the boys felt valued when they felt I had sacrificed or made a special effort to spend time with them. I thought the big things mattered the most but I was wrong.

   4. Be a Role Model

The fourth way to leave a positive legacy is to model what you are teaching. Here is a powerful quote from Clarence Budington Kelland:  “My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and he let me watch him do it.” Wow. I have seen that prove out in my own life. I can tell you exactly what my father modeled for me,  but I would have a hard time remembering any of his lectures. I believe that is an overlooked component of the wisdom expressed in Proverbs:  “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That training should include being a role model, and then the verbal training will sink in. Being an authentic role model makes the message effective.

You are a role model for your children, like it or not. Your children will, to one degree or another, model their lives after you. You have inherited some of your father’s characteristics and your children are inheriting some of yours.

Brett wrote in his responses,  “you are my biggest influence for everything.”  Scary. Whether you know it or not (or mean to or not), you are influencing the lives of your children and your children’s children.

You ARE a role model and every dad needs to reflect on that responsibility.

In Deuteronomy we find a great bit of advice for dads:  “Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don’t forget anything of what you’ve seen. Don’t let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you’ve seen and heard to your children and grandchildren.”

You are preparing your children to leave home. That is your job as parents. Someday, they’ll take what they’ve learned from you and begin to apply it out in the real world. You’ve got approximately 18 years to get them ready. I have joked that Joni and I had a sign on their bedroom doors that read, “Checkout Time is 18 Years…No Exceptions!” But we both believed we were stewards of our sons with the charge of preparing them to leave.

When I asked my boys what I had taught them, this is what I read:

From Scott:  “You taught me to love the Lord and trust Him with my life.  Your spiritual growth over the past decade has inspired me and taught me a lot about how to grow in the Lord. You taught me to be loyal and hard working in everything I’m involved with, and most importantly, to never give up.  Burchet’s aren’t quitters, even if they want to be sometimes.”

From Brett:  “You taught me how to be a strong Christian man and how to play sports.”

From Matt:  “Never quit something you started. Work hard. Do everything with excellence. Treat everybody with respect and genuine kindness.”

Before you think that I am some really great Dad, let’s return to the third question I asked the boys: what they wish I had done differently. Their responses were consistent, and they saddened me. I share this in the hope that young dads will take this to heart.

Matt:    “I wish you could have been home more.”
Scott:  “I wish you could have been home more.”
Brett:   “I wish you could have been home more.”

And here is what I wish I had done differently. I wish I would have been home more. I cannot change the past. God is gracious and loving. My relationship with all of my boys is wonderful despite those misplaced priorities at times. Love does cover a multitude of sins. My sons know they are loved. They know they have my approval and respect. I am blessed by them.

 

The most recent post began a four-day series on leaving a legacy as an earthly father. Every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is what kind. The first step to leaving a positive legacy is to love your wife. For some readers that already has not worked out. That does not mean that you cannot leave a good legacy. There are many ways to redeem the father/child relationship. Here is part two of the series.

The second part of leaving a legacy that endures is to be an encouragement to your kids. Paul wrote this simple instruction to the church at Colossae. 

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

The Message translates this verse  like this….

Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.

I cannot remember hearing a lot of teaching on that verse over the years. It is really easy in this success mad culture to discourage your children. Nearly every Dad wants his child to be successful. What is wrong with that desire? There is nothing wrong with that if we balance that desire with love and encouragement and awareness of your child’s unique design. Sometimes we forget the journey we have traveled in our own lives. Frank Clark said that “a father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” Ouch.

I came into this whole Dad thing wanting a star athlete or a brilliant scholar. But I had forgotten one little detail. Where did I expect they would dig up those genes to be an All-American quarterback or Rhodes Scholar? I deepened my gene pool considerably when I married Joni but she can only contribute so much.

What I got were three guys ranging from average to very good athletic ability. Very bright but not genius. What God gave me was three godly men of integrity. Men that are kind and loving. I have been blessed more by their character and wisdom than I could have possibly have been blessed by awards and trophies.

The dad factor may be more critical than we ever realized. Christian author/speaker Josh McDowell commissioned a definitive study of the last 17 school shootings. On the surface, the results were the same as dozens of other similar studies; there seems to be no “profile” of a teenage killer. They come from poor, middle class and rich homes. Some are nerds and geeks; some are the most popular kids in school. They come from a variety of races and religions. Some make good grades; some don’t. Some have been bullied, others are the bullies. McDowell went below the surface and discovered a common thread that other studies missed or ignored. He found that in every case, the families of the murderers were superficially ;normal but were, in fact, dysfuntional when it came to the relationship of the children with their parents. In particular, the fathers were either absent or minimally involved in parenting.

After making this discovery, McDowell commissioned another study that involved 2,000 children ages 12 to 17, and 1,000 parents. The study revealed that children raised in a SINGLE PARENT home were 30% MORE LIKELY than the national average to be involved in drugs, alcohol, and violence. I can almost hear some of you saying, “That’s no surprise. I’ve always felt that divorce was the major cause of youth violence. I’m glad WE have two parents raising our children.”

Read on.

Adolescents raised in TWO PARENT families in which the father had a poor to fair relationship with his children were 68% MORE LIKELY than the national average to have problems with drugs, alcohol, and violence! That floored me. Two parents in the home are no defense against the problems we’re discussing unless the father is close to his children. If he is not, his children are at more than twice the risk of children raised in single parent homes.

The final statistic shows us the answer to school violence as well as a host of other problems affecting our youth. Teenagers raised in two parent families in which the father had a good to excellent relationship with his children were 96% LESS LIKELY than the national average to become involved with drugs, alcohol, and violence.

These statistics show us that many of the things that we have assumed would protect our children will not necessarily do so. You can raise your children in a two parent family in a “good” neighborhood, send them to a “good” school, and even take them to church. But if there is a lack of emotional attachment, if there is no loving bond between the children and their parents, particularly the father, children of every background are at some risk. 

I am not talking about being a perfect father. These kids (and even many of us) are simply looking for the affirmation and blessing of our earthly fathers.

When Scripture says that God is our Father, it is telling us that these needs can be met by Him. This is where our role as Christian dads becomes so important. There are no perfect earthly dads. But it is critical that we understand the impact that we have on our child’s relationship with God. Some may find it hard to get excited about the scriptural descriptions of God as a father because of the imperfect models of fatherhood they have experienced here on earth.

Some remember a father who was too wrapped up in his job, his buddies, and his hobbies to provide much support or affirmation. He might have been one of those men who believed that their only job was to bring home a paycheck, while Mom was responsible for everything else. Others might recall a dad that was demanding, cold, and unapproachable. Children can tend to transpose their father experience when they think of God as Father.

I have talked to many men my age who are still desperate for the approval of their fathers. And I know that is true for women as well. Jim Valvano, the now deceased coach, said “My father gave me the greatest gift that anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”

Yesterday I noted that I had asked my sons to critique my performance as a dad…both good and bad. Here is one comment from eldest son Matt.

The biggest lesson you taught me was to believe in my ability to accomplish things I never thought possible.  From the kid who got C’s in 8th grade math to going to graduate school at a great university. I could never have accomplished this without parents, and a father, that believed in me. 

Don’t EXPECT your children to be perfect. Don’t expect them to meet all of your expectations…to fulfill all of your goals for them…to be what you want them to be. Be grateful for who God made your kids to be. Too many fathers try to live out their own lives through their children. Every child is different. They are not a clone of you (Thank God!).

My son Scott wrote about something that he wished I had done differently.

I wish that you would have made more of an effort to understand me and my personality at an earlier age.  I think Mom did a good job at this, but that might have just been because I opened up to her more. 

This is a great example of how husbands and wives are a team. Joni told me that I needed to spend more time with Scott. She sensed what I did not. She told me that I gravitated to his brother who was more like me. She made me mad, hurt my feelings and made me feel like a bad dad. And thank God she did that. I became intentional about coaching Scott’s teams and being with him. It still took a few years for us to really understand one another but I believe Joni’s loving intervention saved our relationship. Today our relationship is awesome. Who knows what would have happened if my bride had not challenged me about that shortcoming in my relating to Scott.

Father’s Day might be a great time to give a gift back to your children. You can give the gift of forgiveness. Or you can ask for forgiveness.

Ernest Hemingway wrote a short story called  “The Capital of the World”. Hemingway told the story of a father and his teenage son. The son had sinned against his father and in his shame he ran away from home. The father searched all over Spain for him, but still he could not find the boy. Finally, in the city of Madrid, in a last desperate attempt to find his son, the father placed an ad in the daily newspaper. The ad read:

“PACO MEET AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY ALL IS FORGIVEN PAPA.”

The father prayed that maybe the boy would see the ad and maybe – just maybe – he would come to the Hotel Montana.

And on Tuesday at noon, the father in Ernest Hemingway’s story arrived at the Hotel Montana and he could not believe his eyes. A squadron of police officers had been called out to keep order among the eight hundred young boys named “Paco” who had come to meet their father in front of the Hotel Montana. Eight hundred boys named Paco read the ad in the newspaper and hoped it was for them. Eight hundred “Pacos” came to receive the forgiveness they so desperately needed.

And you can remember that all child want the approval of their fathers. If you have not done so, I encourage you to give the gift of approval this Father’s Day. Give your children the gift of believing in them. Step 2 to leaving a positive legacy as a Dad is simple but powerful. Encourage your children.

Humor writer Dave Barry compiled a list of things it took him 50 years to learn. I have selected a handful of Barry’s observations. 

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
5. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

I am also a slow learner. But one thing I have learned in my journey is that every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is whether that legacy will be good, bad, or indifferent. Over the next few days I am going to write about some things I have learned about leaving a legacy that, hopefully, is good.

Being a father is tough because we generally learn how to parent while on the job. From the “I can’t make this stuff up” department I found this attempt by a celebrity couple to “prep” for parenthood. Hilary Swank and her husband Chad Lowe believed they were getting plenty of parental practice before having a child of their own – by looking after a pair of parrots.

The couple, who live in New York City, have faced constant questions throughout their eight-year marriage about when they’ll be ready to start a family. He says, “(Hilary and I) are very eager to have kids, and having parrots is great baby training.

“They need to be fed twice a day, they need love and support, and we teach them their ABCs.”

But I would suggest that the parrots are not a real complete course in parenting. For example…

• Until you have had to walk the floor with a screaming parrot all night long…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until the principal calls you in because your parrot is fighting with the parakeets during recess… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot spits up on your outfit as you are trying to leave the house… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrots start picking on each other in the back seat of the SUV 30 miles into your 300-mile drive…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot throws himself on the floor at the supermarket and turns red because you won’t buy Count Chocula cereal…you still have a lot to learn.

Swank and Lowe go on about their parrot training. They repeat everything you say. They love to pick up four-letter words, so you really have to watch it. Luckily, we don’t curse a lot.”

ADD detour…perhaps every church should invest in a parrot for each family. And then they should rotate the parrots every six months. That might kill the gossip virus in the church.

Just took the medication and back on track…Ken Druck and James Simmons in The Secrets Men Keep discuss six major secrets men have. At the top of the list is that “men secretly yearn for their fathers love and approval.” This is often without their conscious knowledge that this yearning manifests itself in the drive that many males have to prove themselves. The authors say:

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers …. Of the hundreds of men I have surveyed over the years, perhaps 90 percent admitted they still had strings leading back to their fathers. In other words, they are still looking to their fathers, even though their fathers may have been dead for years, for approval, acceptance, affection, and understanding.

This series is not about being a perfect dad. If it were, I would be totally unqualified to write it. This series is not about piling guilt on you for mistakes made. I am not looking for the result like the boy who said to his preacher on the way out, “Boy, that was a good sermon. My dad slumped way down today.” This series is seeing what God’s plan is for leaving a positive legacy as an earthly father.

The first way to leave a good legacy is found in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV, Ephesians 5:25) The translation in The Message says this.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

The number one way to leave a great legacy for your children is very simple:

Love your wife.

If you are already 0 for 1…or 0 for 2…hang with me. God is a God of grace and compassion. We will see how He can work even when the ideal is no longer possible in upcoming posts.

The idea of marriage as an absolute commitment is an endangered species. Actor Brad Pitt has confessed he knew his marriage to Jennifer Aniston would never last. He said in a recent interview that he never expected to be wed forever. He described his high-profile breakup as “beautiful.” Pitt seemed frustrated about the public perception… “It’s talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn’t flawless.” Now comes Pitt’s wisdom about marriage: “Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time – that I don’t understand.”

Our culture has devalued marriage to the point where people enter relationships on a trial basis with no expectation that it can last. I will guarantee you one thing…that mindset will make it far more likely that it will not last. Had Joni and I shared that value we would be a stat and our children would be from a divided home. Why should followers of Jesus believe that marriage is for all time? A report by Warren Mueller revealed that where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55 percent, but where only the mother attends, just 15 percent of the children remain involved in the church.

Theodore M. Hesburgh wrote that the “most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

Your children watch how you treat their mother. They WATCH … and they are LEARNING and FORMING their concept of marriage from YOU. You are creating a PATTERN, a BLUEPRINT for marriage with your children. I struggled as a husband because I had not seen that blueprint in my parents’ marriage. My Dad was a good dad but my parents did not have a good marriage. Joni and I had to break the cycle because she also came from a difficult family situation. Because we broke the cycle our kids have seen a marriage that survived, and not only survived but is very happy. But we had to do a lot of learning on the job.

Part of my preparation for this series was a survey of my three sons…I know…it makes you want to hum the music and do that thing with the hands and knees they did at the beginning of the show. I asked my sons three questions and not one of them was “What is your quest”.

What were their favorite memories with me?
What did they learn from me as a dad?
And what do they wish I had done differently?

Yeah…that last question scared me for one major reason. My sons are truthful. But I figured if I had done something really wrong in their eyes I wanted to seek forgiveness now. Plus I would have a written document so if they turned up on Dr. Phil someday I can say I gave them a chance and they didn’t say anything. Seriously, I thought the exercise would make them consider how they could be better father someday…how they could break more cycles.

Our oldest son Matt wrote a little extra in his letter:

And thank you for being committed to Mom.  It is a rarity to have a family that is not broken.  But you gave up bigger things to make sure we stayed together and that has made all the difference. 

If you are still able to control this one move it to the top of your list. The first step to leaving a good legacy as a dad is to love your wife!

 

 

 

Warning: The following post may (or, sadly, may not) contain humor. This blog was produced in a program where irony and satire are processed. May contain sarcasm fragments. If you are allergic to humor or attempts at humor please avoid this product. 

A potentially incendiary topic came up again as I rummaged through the Healthy Living section of the Dallas Morning News. I had ventured onto the thin ice of male and female brain differences in an earlier post. Having survived that article I am demonstrating the lack of male brain development by going there again. My bride and her female co-conspirators often forward e-mails that point out the unique qualities of men. For example…

Question: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Answer: Government bonds will mature.

My only defense is that the grey matter of the average male truly is different. Some of the key findings include that, on average, men’s brains are about 10 percent larger than their female counterparts. Why? Most scientists believe that because the male body is generally larger, their brains have to be bigger to compensate for the extra mass. However, women have just as many brain cells but those cells are packed into a tighter space.

That clears up some of the issues. Women’s brain cells have less room to wander off and do stupid stuff. That is a clear advantage for the feminine mind.

During the aging process, men’s brains tend to shrink faster than women’s.

When the brain shrinks it is obvious that some things need to go. Because I cannot bear to delete the roster of the 1961 Cincinnati Reds baseball team I have to sacrifice other brain data. My brain utility usually deletes all records of things I have said to Joni. I am pretty sure she is making up stuff when she points out that I promised I would do a certain task. But I don’t know because that cache has been cleared and I have no defense. I do, however, retain countless lines from the Bullwinkle cartoon series.

Depending on whose research you’re quoting, men say anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 fewer words a day than women do. This so-called word gap is often associated with smaller frontal and temporal lobes in men, the brain’s center for language. One study showed that women average about 20,000 words per day while men come in at about 7,000.

Even these numbers do not truly represent the disparity in the vocabulary between men and women. Using myself as the lab rat, I calculated that of my 7,000 uttered words nearly 5,000 of them were baseball and football fantasy league words, lyrics to classic rock and roll songs, meaningless words from Monty Python skits, and lines from movies like Airplane and Caddy Shack. Another 1900 plus entries were work related. So I calculate that I enter the verbal fray with my bride armed with about 67 usable words. Again, not my fault. You try and function with a smaller frontal and temporal lobe. Do you think this is easy?

A Cambridge University study in 1-year-olds found that boys preferred watching films of cars (i.e., mechanical systems) and girls preferred films of people’s faces.

It is merely normal brain development for that one–year-old to buy a two seat convertible forty-nine years later. Finally, research that makes sense in the real world.

According to a Harvard study, men’s testosterone levels drop when they’re holding a baby. Even cradling a doll can decrease the amount of the hormone linked with virility.

Other proven ways to lower testosterone levels are shopping with your wife at Pottery Barn or watching Lifetime Channel.

Testosterone is part of the reason our brains work very differently as another recent study revealed. Girls are not exposed to the testosterone surge in utero that shrinks the neurological centers for communication, observation and processing of emotion in boys, so girls are better equipped from birth to develop skills that use those parts of the brain.

See…we can’t help it that the testosterone tsunami shrinks our communication, observation and processing skills. Those guttural grunts are actually quite articulate given the handicaps we must overcome every single day.

Hugging, especially for women, releases neurochemicals that can increase trust in the hugger. After a hug lasting at least 20 seconds, the brain produces oxytocin that turns on the trust response and dulls more critical judgment.

Interesting. Joni, if you are reading this please skip to the next item. Thank you.

I think I learned something important here. When I hug my wife she often gives me the dismissive pat after 10 seconds or so. I thought she was just being a bit impatient. Now I realize that she was  protecting her critical judgment. I will hold the embrace in the future to rev up that trust response and dull her critical judgment. How sad I am just learning this after 31 years.

 

And what is the value of all of this research in real life? It is fun. I think it is helpful to realize and value the general differences in the minds of men and women. But for me the application about how our minds are wired is gender neutral. There are many references to the mind in the New Testament Scriptures.

 

Romans 8:5–7  Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will.  NLT

Romans 12:2  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  NIV

Ephesians 4:23–24 …to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  NIV

Phillipians 4:7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  NIV

Colossians 3:2  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  NIV

I Peter 1:13  Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. NIV

And the grand finale comes from the mind of Jesus.

Matthew 22:36–38  Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  NIV

I am fascinated by the difference in the minds of men and women. But I am challenged by the differences in the minds of those who seek the mind of Christ and those who do not. I want my mind to be different. Like Jesus. Men and women may be wired differently at the factory but we share one great common denominator. We are challenged to love our Lord with all of our heart and soul and mind. That little exercise should help bridge the other differences nicely.

Yesterday was spent at the Slow Drip Spa as Joni received her next to last chemo treatment. We have learned so much over the past 16 months. An earlier story called the Cancer Chronicles linked some of the blogs that were written during this difficult journey. One of the more subtle but most important lessons is the subject of today’s humble ramblings.

A country song reminded me again about a critical lesson that we learned just a few months down the long and winding road of treatment. Tracy Lawrence has a hit recording about friendship. The song is titled “You Find Out Who Your Friends Are” and Lawrence notes that some friends step up when there is a need.

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor need a couch need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie

When we heard the news of Joni’s cancer it felt like driving off the side of the road. After the initial numbness wore off we began to give friends and family the news. The initial response was encouraging. But as the days and weeks drag on the lyrics of Lawrence’s song become reality.

You find out who you’re friends are
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think ‘what’s in it for me’ or ‘it’s way too far’
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you’re friends are

I think most of us have a preconceived list of who those people will be when we have a personal crisis. That list is often wrong. Joni and I were surprised that some people did not respond as we expected. And some did respond exactly as we thought they would. Other people that we never dreamed would drop everything did just that and showed up consistently with their big old hearts.

I will be honest and admit that Joni and I spent some early time dwelling on some people who did not step up. And then God taught us the critical lesson. The lesson came courtesy of a book that really helped Joni during her most difficult chemotherapy regiment. Praying Through Cancer is a series of devotionals written by cancer patients. One day Joni discovered a brief devotional about this very topic. The writer noted that she had learned to be grateful for the people that God raised up to minister to her. She had learned that God placed her illness on the hearts of some that she would have never expected. She changed her focus from dwelling on those who weren’t there to rejoicing for those that God had chosen to share the journey with her.

Joni discussed that little devotional with me and the light went on for both of us. We started thinking about some unlikely people who had faithfully sent cards, brought food and expressed love and prayers. Then we quit worrying about who wasn’t there for us and started thinking about who was there. And our joy returned.

Choosing to be grateful for the people God had chosen to minister us allowed us to change our attitude toward those who had not stepped up as we had expected. Satan would have us dwell on the disappointment of unmet expectations and totally miss the joy of unexpected blessings from the body of Christ. Maybe our expectations of some folks were unfair. Perhaps they were dealing with their own personal or spiritual valleys that made it impossible for them to be there for us. Perhaps some simply did not know how to respond and then it became more difficult as time went by.

Solomon wrote this in Ecclesiastes.

If one falls down,
       his friend can help him up.
       But pity the man who falls
       and has no one to help him up!

We are grateful that we had friends and fellow travelers in the body of Christ to help us up. The list of helpers that God lifted up looked a little different than we would have predicted. But what a blessing that has turned out to be as we see how He has moved in the hearts of many that we did not expect.

Tracy Lawrence continues with his song…

When the water’s high
When the weather’s not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who’s gonna be there?

Joni and I have learned to be grateful for who is there and forgiving of those who are not. That is one of the most important lessons we have learned on this long journey.

I am not a crier. So it was a bit out of character when the tears started flowing yesterday as I drove through the canyon in downtown Dallas. I blame Lindsay for this event. Lindsay is my bride’s cousin who moved to Texas recently. She already loved country music so that saved us some time to indoctrinate her. We love having her in Big D but she is going to have to stop introducing me to songs that make driving dangerous.

Lindsay told us about a song that we just had to hear. So I downloaded it to the trusty iPod and fired it up as I drove to work yesterday. The song is called Tough and it is performed by Craig Morgan. If you know much about our past year you will quickly see why this song had the Old Yeller/Field of Dreams effect on the eyeballs. The lyrics start innocently enough…

She’s in the kitchen at the crack of dawn
Bacon’s on, coffee’s strong
Kids running wild, taking off their clothes
If she’s a nervous wreck, well it never shows
Takes one to football and one to dance
Hits the Y for aerobics class
Drops by the bank, stops at the store
Has on a smile when I walk through the door
The last to go to bed, she’ll be the first one up
And I thought I was tough

Chorus:

She’s strong, pushes on, can’t slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough

That made me smile as I remembered the days when Joni juggled three active boys through school, baseball, basketball, and forced Cotillion dance lessons. I was a little too absent as I carved out my career. I finally realized how tough she really was to raise three wonderful sons while her husband traveled around the country and world. I appreciated how tough she was while sacrificing weekends with our friends because sports teams insist on playing on the weekends and sports television was my job. So a mixture of fond memories and some regrets filled my mind when I got ambushed by the next verse.

We sat there five years ago
The doctors let us know the tests showed
She’d have to fight to live, I broke down and cried
She held me and said it’s gonna be alright
She wore that wig to church
Pink ribbon pinned there on her shirt
No room for fear, full of faith
Hands held high, singing Amazing Grace
Never once complained, refusing to give up
And I thought I was tough

I am not ashamed to admit that those words turned on the waterworks. That is my bride and that has been her journey. She has been full of faith from diagnosis day till this moment. No room for fear because she believes that faith in God casts out fear as you rest in His Sovereign hand. I have probably complained more about my knees aching than she has about cancer. And she has refused to give up because she wants to live and serve the Lord. If I thought I was tough that misguided notion fell by the wayside as I watched Joni battle cancer with the courage that a young shepherd boy challenged a Philistine giant. Now we have passed the one year mark, the scans have been clear and the treatments are nearly done.

How can I thank all of you who have prayed so faithfully over the past year? Many of you have prayed so diligently and I don’t even know you. We may never meet this side of eternity. Yet you have cared enough to pray for us throughout this long journey. Amazing. Joni has retired the wig now and is wearing her very own hair to church. Here is a picture from Easter weekend.

Joni’s strength and dignity have humbled me. There was a time before she was mine when I thought I was tough. No more. But there is one other thing I have learned during this difficult year.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Yet it was good of you to share in my (our) troubles.  Phil 4

Thank you. It really was good of you to share in our troubles. And we are so grateful and humbled.

The Update:

On Mother’s Day Joni was asked to throw out the first pitch at the Texas Ranger’s Major League Baseball game.

Joni with the Ranger’s Mascot and dear friend and Six Time Gold Glove winning catcher Jim Sundberg (Jim is the one with the smaller nose)

That day is designated as Breast Cancer Awareness Day by MLB. Joni threw out the first pitch as a survivor! What an amazing moment for us and especially for her. She has been a warrior and I am so proud of her. Fifty family and friends showed up to cheer her on. She made it to the plate on one bounce.

Joni displays fine form for her first pitch

Notice that her uniform number is 1 N 8. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer during their lifetime. Joni’s message to any woman reading this is to get regular testing and to be persistant if you believe something is wrong. With early detection the five year survival rate is 96%! Please, please, please get your mammograms and yearly exams. But you should also know a wonderful promise if your diagnosis happens to not be positive. Many people have said that they could not have done what Joni and I have done in the past 15 months. We would have said the same thing before our cancer journey began. Here is what we know for sure. God meets you at the moment of need and provides the grace and strength you need for each moment. You can’t bank it in advance. It is moment by moment as you depend on Him. You can do it. We did.

Shannon Spaulding studied and worked for twelve years to reach the top of her class at Jacksonville’s Samuel W. Wolfson High School. For achieving that academic achievement the Florida teen addressed her fellow graduates at the recent commencement ceremonies. I doubt that she suspected that her twenty minute address would fuel a national debate.

First, some background on the story. This report is from writer Doug Hunington of christianpost.com.

A high school valedictorian in Jacksonville, Fla., recently created a stir among attendants at her graduation when she shared about her faith in God and Jesus Christ throughout most of her 20-minute speech.

Shannon Spaulding received mixed reactions for the advice she offered fellow graduates of Samuel W. Wolfson High School during her commencement speech last Friday evening, which included accepting Christ into their lives.

While many expressed how her message was inappropriate for the setting, a majority of the audience seemed to agree with her message, applauding loudly throughout the speech.

“The best thing I can offer you tonight, my former classmates and fellow graduates, is to tell you how you can plan and know for sure that you will end up safe and victorious at the end of your earthly life,” explained Spaulding to the crowd at Veterans Memorial Arena, where the graduation ceremony was held. “I want to tell you that Jesus Christ can give you eternal life in Heaven.”

The student’s commencement message contained an exhortation to all to take Christ into their lives. The speech mixed in a number of scriptures, most which were followed by applause.

I debated whether I should link some sites that took great offense to Shannon’s sentiments. I was amazed, appalled, and depressed by the vitriolic level of some of the comments. This is an eighteen year old girl who shared what was important to her. Choose to disagree with her if you wish. Debate the appropriateness of the message in that venue if you disagree. But why must so many resort to ugly personal attacks and name calling? It left me shaken to read some of the responses. There are some angry people out there. I beg any followers of Jesus who read these remarks to speak the truth but only with grace and love. Please do not sink to that level of discourse.

A member of the school board in Jacksonville called Spaulding dishonorable and stated that she deceived the school principal about the content. The principal did not agree with that accusation and wondered where the school board representative got that information. I cannot imagine being a valedictorian (I really can’t imagine that), sharing my heart one day, and then being called dishonorable by a school board official the next day. That is an immediate and sobering post-graduation education about life.

I have read the speech. I can understand why her comments made some people uncomfortable. Shannon pulled no punches about her beliefs. Most of the bloggers who were mortally offended focused only on her brief comment about eternal judgement and hell. Headlines like “Valedictorian says you’re all going to hell” were common leads. And she did not gloss over the Christian belief of judgement. But out of nearly twenty minutes they chose to ignore the intent of her heart, whether you agree with her message or not. This comment summarized her heart.

“As I stand here before you tonight, it’s with the sincerest heart and purest of intentions that I tell you that Jesus Christ, creator of the universe, that to each one of you, (He) loves you too.”

That is the spirit that is missing from the ugly comments and barbs. If Shannon Spaulding had come to me for advice I would have told her to frame her address a bit differently. I would have suggested that she talk about the principles that guided her and the values that made her successful. Then I would have suggested that she spend a couple of minutes sharing that Jesus Christ is the foundation for her life and that He makes those values and principles work. I believe she had earned the right to express her beliefs. And yes, had the valedictorian been of another faith I would say the same thing.

Spaulding ended her talk by encouraging her fellow classmates in their futures.

“If your soul becomes weary, take comfort in Matt 11:28 which says, ‘Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,’” she stated as her presentation drew near its end. “And if your steps become uncertain, search out the truth, for John 8:32 says, ‘And he shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.’”

Most of us are searching for the truth. I agree with Shannon Spaulding that Jesus Christ loves me, you, school board administrators who cover their rears, and bloggers who ridicule that very idea. Attacking eighteen year old students does not further the debate. Paul advised a young man named Timothy about how to conduct himself in confrontations.

…don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.  2 Tim 2  NLT

As followers of Christ we are called to a higher standard. We must not forget that as we represent Jesus today.