Month: June 2008

Every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is what kind. The first step to leaving a positive legacy is to love your wife. For some readers that already has not worked out. That does not mean that you cannot leave a good legacy. There are many ways to redeem the father/child relationship. The second part of leaving a legacy that endures is to be an encouragement to your kids. Paul wrote this simple instruction to the church at Colossae. 

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

The Message translates this verse  like this….

Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.

I cannot remember hearing a lot of teaching on that verse over the years. It is really easy in this success mad culture to discourage your children. Nearly every dad wants his child to be successful. What is wrong with that desire? There is nothing wrong if we balance that desire with love and encouragement and awareness of your child’s unique design. Sometimes we forget the journey we have traveled in our own lives. Frank Clark said that “a father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” Ouch.

I came into this whole Dad thing wanting a star athlete or a brilliant scholar. But I had forgotten one little detail. Where did I expect they would dig up those genes to be an All-American quarterback or Rhodes Scholar? I deepened my gene pool considerably when I married Joni but she can only contribute so much.

What I got were three guys ranging from average to very good athletic ability. Very bright but not genius. What God gave me was three godly men of integrity. Men that are kind and loving. I have been blessed more by their character and wisdom than I could have possibly have been blessed by awards and trophies.

When Scripture says that God is our Father, it is telling us that emotional needs can be met by Him. This is where our role as Christian dads becomes so important. There are no perfect earthly dads. But it is critical that we understand the impact that we have on our child’s relationship with God. Some may find it hard to get excited about the scriptural descriptions of God as a father because of the imperfect models of fatherhood they have experienced here on earth.

Some remember a father who was too wrapped up in his job, his buddies, and his hobbies to provide much support or affirmation. He might have been one of those men who believed that their only job was to bring home a paycheck, while Mom was responsible for everything else. Others might recall a dad that was demanding, cold, and unapproachable. Children can tend to transpose their father experience when they think of God as Father.  Harold S. Hubert said that “children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.” That is grace. That helps a child to understand how they can receive God’s love.

I have talked to many men my age who are still desperate for the approval of their fathers. And I know that is true for women as well. Jim Valvano, the now deceased coach, said “My father gave me the greatest gift that anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”

In the last post I noted that I had asked my sons to critique my performance as a dad…both good and bad. Here is one comment from eldest son Matt.

The biggest lesson you taught me was to believe in my ability to accomplish things I never thought possible.  From the kid who got C’s in 8th grade math to going to graduate school at a great university. I could never have accomplished this without parents, and a father, that believed in me. 

Don’t EXPECT your children to be perfect. Don’t expect them to meet all of your expectations. Don’t expect them to fulfill all of your goals for them…to be what you want them to be. Be grateful for the unique way God designed your kids. Too many fathers try to live out their own lives through their children. Every child is different. They are not a clone of you (Thank God!).

My son Scott wrote about something that he wished I had done differently.

I wish that you would have made more of an effort to understand me and my personality at an earlier age.  I think Mom did a good job at this, but that might have just been because I opened up to her more. 

This is a great example of how husbands and wives are a team. Joni told me that I needed to spend more time with Scott. She sensed what I did not. She told me that I gravitated to his brother who was more like me. She made me mad, hurt my feelings and made me feel like a bad dad. And thank God she did that. I became intentional about coaching Scott’s teams and being with him. It still took a few years for us to really understand one another but I believe Joni’s loving intervention saved our relationship. Today our relationship is awesome. Who knows what would have happened if my bride had not challenged me about that shortcoming in my relating to Scott.

Father’s Day might be a great time to give a gift back to your children. The gift of affirmation. Perhaps the gift of forgiveness.

Ernest Hemingway wrote a short story called  “The Capital of the World”. Hemingway told the story of a father and his teenage son. The son had sinned against his father and in his shame he ran away from home. The father searched all over Spain for him, but still he could not find the boy. Finally, in the city of Madrid, in a last desperate attempt to find his son, the father placed an ad in the daily newspaper. The ad read:

“PACO MEET AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY ALL IS FORGIVEN PAPA.”

The father prayed that maybe the boy would see the ad and maybe – just maybe – he would come to the Hotel Montana.

And on Tuesday at noon, the father in Ernest Hemingway’s story arrived at the Hotel Montana and he could not believe his eyes. A squadron of police officers had been called out to keep order among the eight hundred young boys named “Paco” who had come to meet their father in front of the Hotel Montana. Eight hundred boys named Paco read the ad in the newspaper and hoped it was for them. Eight hundred “Pacos” came to receive the forgiveness they so desperately needed.

All children want the approval of their fathers. I am not talking about the ridiculous and disingenuous “you are the best at everything” drivel that some parents spew. Eventually the child will figure out that you are not being authentic. I am talking about affirming what is true about their unique design. 

Affirmations like “you are kind.”
“You are creative.”
“You are honest.”

But mainly your child needs to hear this. “You are enough. I love you for who you are.” 

If you have not done so, I encourage you to give the gift of approval this Father’s Day. Give your children the gift of believing in them. Step 2 to leaving a positive legacy as a dad is simple. Encourage your children. Affirm them with grace and honesty. You will be amazed at the power of that simple act.

Humor writer Dave Barry compiled a list of things it took him 50 years to learn. I have selected a handful of Barry’s observations. 

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
5. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

I am also a slow learner. But one thing I have learned in my journey is that every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is whether that legacy will be good, bad, or indifferent. Over the next few days I am going to write about some things I have learned about leaving a legacy that, hopefully, is good.

Being a father is tough because we generally learn how to parent while on the job. From the “I can’t make this stuff up” department I found this article a couple of years ago about a celebrity couple who decided to “prep” for parenthood. Hilary Swank and her husband Chad Lowe believed they were getting plenty of parental practice before having a child of their own – by looking after a pair of parrots.

The couple, who live in New York City, have faced constant questions throughout their eight-year marriage about when they’ll be ready to start a family. He says, “(Hilary and I) are very eager to have kids, and having parrots is great baby training.

“They need to be fed twice a day, they need love and support, and we teach them their ABCs.”

But I would suggest that the parrots are not a real complete course in parenting. For example…

• Until you have had to walk the floor with a screaming parrot all night long…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until the principal calls you in because your parrot is fighting with the parakeets during recess… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot spits up on your outfit as you are trying to leave the house… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrots start picking on each other in the back seat of the SUV 30 miles into your 300-mile drive…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot throws himself on the floor at the supermarket and turns red because you won’t buy Count Chocula cereal…you still have a lot to learn.

Swank and Lowe go on about their parrot training. They repeat everything you say. They love to pick up four-letter words, so you really have to watch it. Luckily, we don’t curse a lot.”

ADD detour…perhaps every church should invest in a parrot for each family. And then they should rotate the parrots every six months. That might kill the gossip virus in the church.

Just took the medication and I am back on track…Ken Druck and James Simmons in their book The Secrets Men Keep discuss six major secrets men have. At the top of the list is that “men secretly yearn for their fathers love and approval.” This is often without their conscious knowledge that this yearning manifests itself in the drive that many males have to prove themselves. The authors say:

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers …. Of the hundreds of men I have surveyed over the years, perhaps 90 percent admitted they still had strings leading back to their fathers. In other words, they are still looking to their fathers, even though their fathers may have been dead for years, for approval, acceptance, affection, and understanding.

This series is not about being a perfect dad. If it were, I would be totally unqualified to write it. This series is not about piling guilt on you for mistakes made. I am not looking for the result like the boy who said to his preacher on the way out, “Boy, that was a good sermon. My dad slumped way down today.” This series is seeing what God’s plan is for leaving a positive legacy as an earthly father.

The first way to leave a good legacy is found in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV, Ephesians 5:25) The translation in The Message says this.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

The number one way to leave a great legacy for your children is very simple:

Love your wife.

If you are already 0 for 1…or 0 for 2…hang with me. God is a God of grace and compassion. We will see how He can work even when the ideal is no longer possible in upcoming posts.

The idea of marriage as an absolute commitment is an endangered species. Actor Brad Pitt has confessed he knew his marriage to Jennifer Aniston would never last. He said in a recent interview that he never expected to be wed forever. He described his high-profile breakup as “beautiful.” Pitt seemed frustrated about the public perception… “It’s talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn’t flawless.” Now comes Pitt’s wisdom about marriage: “Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time – that I don’t understand.”

Our culture has devalued marriage to the point where people enter relationships on a trial basis with no expectation that it can last. I will guarantee you one thing…that mindset will make it far more likely that it will not last. Had Joni and I shared that value we would be a stat and our children would be from a divided home. Why should followers of Jesus believe that marriage is for all time? A report by Warren Mueller revealed that where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55 percent, but where only the mother attends, just 15 percent of the children remain involved in the church.

Theodore M. Hesburgh wrote that the “most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

Your children watch how you treat their mother. They WATCH … and they are LEARNING and FORMING their concept of marriage from YOU. You are creating a PATTERN, a BLUEPRINT for marriage with your children. I struggled as a husband because I had not seen that blueprint in my parents’ marriage. My Dad was a good dad but my parents did not have a good marriage. Joni and I had to break the cycle because she also came from a difficult family situation. Because we broke the cycle our kids have seen a marriage that survived, and not only survived but is very happy. But we had to do a lot of learning on the job.

Part of my preparation for this series was a survey of my three sons…I know…it makes you want to hum the music and do that thing with the hands and knees they did at the beginning of the show. I asked my sons three questions and not one of them was “What is your quest”.

What were their favorite memories with me?
What did they learn from me as a dad?
And what do they wish I had done differently?

Yeah…that last question scared me for one major reason. My sons are truthful. But I figured if I had done something really wrong in their eyes I wanted to seek forgiveness now. Plus I would have a written document so if they turned up on Dr. Phil someday I can say I gave them a chance and they didn’t say anything. Seriously, I thought the exercise would make them consider how they could be better father someday…how they could break more cycles.

Our oldest son Matt wrote a little extra in his letter:

And thank you for being committed to Mom.  It is a rarity to have a family that is not broken.  But you gave up bigger things to make sure we stayed together and that has made all the difference. 

If you are still able to control this one move it to the top of your list. The first step to leaving a good legacy as a dad is to love your wife!

 

The morning perusal of The Dallas Morning News turned up an interesting article on sports psychologists. The story told about a young and very talented area golfer that has had his game improved by a sports psychologist. Here is a bit of that article.

Sixteen-year-old Fort Worth golfer Robert Perry remembers losing focus and blowing a 3-under-par, tournament-leading round, resulting in a four-over-par exercise in embarrassment. Parents and coaches had told him, and he knew, he needed to play one shot at a time.

“People can tell you to do things all they want to,” he says. “But until they show you how, you can’t do it.”

And it occurred to me that sixteen-year-old golfer Robert Perry had beautifully summed up the essence of Christian discipleship. This journey with Jesus is hard. We need others to come along side us and show us how. I don’t need one more person telling me to read more Scripture, pray more fervently and strive to be more godly. I have heard that for three decades.

Show me how. Walk with me as I learn. That is discipleship. Paul wrote a pretty good little job description to Titus.

Your job is to speak out on the things that make for solid doctrine. Guide older men into lives of temperance, dignity, and wisdom, into healthy faith, love, and endurance. Guide older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior. Also, guide the young men to live disciplined lives.

But mostly, show them all this by doing it yourself, incorruptible in your teaching, your words solid and sane. Then anyone who is dead set against us, when he finds nothing weird or misguided, might eventually come around. (Titus 2, The Message)

Show them. What a concept! So the whole judging and condemning thing doesn’t work? The Morning News had a checklist from Robert Perry. His list is very adaptable to the concept of discipleship. He calls them mantras. When translated to God’s plan I would call them truths. Perhaps the term discipler has lost it’s meaning or seems archaic. So call yourself a journey coach or whatever you wish. But the fact is that the body of Christ desperately needs followers of Jesus who are willing to teach and especially show others how to mature in their faith. Here are Mr.Perry’s excellent sports pointers and how they can be adapted to discipleship.

• Keep it simple.

Discipleship Version: Keep it simple. Jesus gave us a simple game plan. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and your neighbor as yourself.

• Look like a winner.

Discipleship Version: You are a winner. When you put your trust in Jesus you became a new creature. You are changed. You are a saint in the eyes of God.

• Focus on the now.

Discipleship Version: Focus on who you are. You are not who you used to be. You have been changed. So your past has no power over you now.

• Hit one shot at a time.

Discipleship Version: Live in the moment in the power of His Holy Spirit. Satan would have you live in regret of the past (already redeemed and no longer valid) or in fear of the future (already securely in the hands of a trustworthy God). So live today fully.

• Avoid golf chatter and the inevitable negative memories that arise.

Discipleship Version: Avoid gossip and negative chatter. Don’t allow those old tapes of who you used to be discourage and defeat you. That is not who you are now.

• Don’t go for the perfect shot; aim for consistency. In golf terms, that means focus on hitting pars, not birdies.

Discipleship Version: To quote my old friend John Weber (who is now with Jesus)…”Don’t strive to be spectacular. Strive to be faithful.”

• Don’t worry about what other people think. Focus on what you’re doing. What will happen, will happen.

Discipleship Version: Find a safe place where you tell others what is true about you…both good and bad. That will help you mature into a authentic follower of Christ in an atmosphere of grace.

• You’re the one in control. Your opponent has nothing to do with how you hit the golf ball.

Discipleship Version: A one-hundred eighty degree reversal. You are not the one in control. You can’t justify your sins by your own works. And you cannot mature in Christ by your own works. Both are dependent on God and His grace. Allowing Him to love you and receiving that love. And to quote my TrueFaced boys again…

The whole idea is simply maturing into what God says is already true about you. 

 

Regular readers of the humble ramblings know that I have been had my world rocked by the book TrueFaced. The charming Mrs.Burchett and I just finished going through the DVD series with two wonderful couples. It has been amazing. We have been changed and challenged. A question from the final session has caused me to spend a lot of time in reflection. The question was pretty simple

When you were growing up, what dreams did you have for your future?

I tried to remember the dreams of a child growing up in Southern Ohio. My dream to be a Major League Baseball player died really quickly in Little League. It was somewhere around the time I saw my first breaking ball delivered by a pitcher that looked like he drove to the game. When my posterior was heading to 3^rd base and the ball broke over the plate I suspected I should move on to the next dream.

The next dream was to be known. I don’t think I thought of being famous at that point. I just wanted people to know who I was. I wanted to be loved by everybody and respected and admired. Looking at my junior high experience that was a dream about as probable as a pro baseball career. For the overweight geek with bad glasses and worse haircut to dream of being admired and respected seems ridiculous in retrospect. But I somehow figured out I could put on a mask and be the funny guy. I was quick on my verbal feet and witty. I decided after high school to be a radio broadcaster. I did the disc jockey thing for a few years.

But that was not God’s dream for me.

I moved to television and then sports directing. I dreamed of becoming a big time network sports director. I watched World Series and March Madness and dreamed how I could be there someday. At a couple of places along the road it seemed the break might happen to move in that direction.

But that was not God’s dream for me.

I began to follow my long desire to write. I miraculously had a book published. I dreamed of being a best-selling author.

But that has not been God’s dream for me.

I looked over the landscape of my life and reviewed what God has done. God has taken a frightened, insecure, cynical man and patiently molded me into something better than I could have dreamed. I have not become famous. I will never direct the Super Bowl or World Series. I doubt I will ever see my name on the NY Times bestseller list.

But I realize that God’s dream for me has become my dream. To paraphrase a thought from TrueFaced. I have finally come to believe who God says I am. I am no longer trying to change into another person. I finally trust that God has made me exactly who He wants me to be. The change in my life is not God changing me. That happened when I trusted Jesus as my Savior. The change in my life is trusting who God says I already am and maturing into that person.

So my dream has become much simpler. To be a good man. A good husband. A good father and (hopefully) grandfather. A good friend. An ambassador of grace that lives to tell others that you don’t have to live in frustration in your walk with Jesus. There is a better way. It is found in the room of grace. Paul wrote these words to the Church at Philippi.

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. (Philippians 1, The Message)

Paul was a bit ahead of me on the maturing curve. I have had some doubts that were far north of slight. But now I am seeing it. God started a work in me nearly forty years ago. He has never given up on me. Never lost patience. Never condemned me. Never quit loving me. So I look back over my life and see that I did not accomplish the dreams I had for me. Thank God. I like the dreams He has for me a lot more. 

 

 

A recent series on words at church dealt with the power, impact and meaning of words. It reminded me of a story that featured this headline at Yahoo News.

Swearing at work boosts ‘team spirit, morale’

Wouldn’t it be interesting to be at that pep rally?

“Yea *&^%$#@ Team! Bleep, Bleep, Bleep!” Whooeeeee!!! (Jump in air…extend arms) Bleep!

The story outlined the study.

Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships, according to a study by researchers. Yehuda Baruch, a professor of management at the University of East Anglia, and graduate Stuart Jenkins studied the use of profanity in the workplace and assessed its implications for managers.

They assessed that swearing would become more common as traditional taboos are broken down, but the key appeared to be knowing when such language was appropriate and when to turn to blind eye.

The pair said swearing in front of senior staff or customers should be seriously discouraged or banned, but in other circumstances it helped foster solidarity among employees and express frustration, stress or other feelings.

I am calling bovine excrement on that research. I live in a profane, obscenity laced profession. In my regular job of sports television production the “f”-bombs fly in a way that would constitute “shock and awe” for most Christians. I do not use any of the seven words that formerly were never said on TV. My reason is largely unrelated to my faith. Although I am always reminded of Paul’s incredibly annoying challenge in Ephesians.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4)

But on a professional level I think that language is an issue of civility and intelligence. Using words that are offensive to some demonstrates bad manners and a worse vocabulary. I dislike “second hand cursing” as much as second hand smoke. You know what I am talking about. You are stuck in public with really loud cell phone guy who is “boosting the office team spirit” with a very loud and profanity laced tirade. I am not interested in hearing his or sometimes her  five word vocabulary. Or you find yourself seated by “we really know sports guys” as they do a blue play by play for the entire game. When obscenity becomes a habit it is hard to limit such words to “appropriate” times. They just slip out because such language becomes habit.

Some say that any words other than taking the Lord’s name in vain are merely words. There is some truth to that. Jesus made it clear that what is in our heart is really the issue. So if you have profanity in your heart you might as well let’er rip. Right? Paul again moves from meditation to meddling with some more words to the church at Ephesus.

Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. (Ephesians 5)

Ouch! I’ll bet the Ephesians were looking for some steel-toed sandals and hoping the next letter from Paul would be delayed in transit. But that makes it pretty clear for a Christian. Words do matter. And I need to get better at this. Perhaps the biggest issue is how do Christians, who clearly are called to a higher standard, react to an increasingly coarse culture? The natural impulse is to run to the safe bunker of all Christian activities and groups.

I think Jesus (surprise) sets the example. Jesus was an oft invited guest at weddings and banquets to the point where those appearances drew the ire of the Pharisees. Think about it. If Jesus was a holier than thou, uptight religious, oxygen mask drop out of the ceiling sourpuss would anyone want Him at their wedding party? A deadly serious, stuffy theologian type would likely not be an “A” list party invitee either. Jesus must have been able to laugh and enjoy the common fellowship of others and he was obviously welcome and desired at the festivities. Let’s join Luke at Levi’s dinner party that included some unsavory people and see what happens.

Levi gave a large dinner at his home for Jesus. Everybody was there, tax men and other disreputable characters as guests at the dinner. The Pharisees and their religion scholars came to his disciples greatly offended. “What is he doing eating and drinking with crooks and ‘sinners’?” Jesus heard about it and spoke up, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I’m here inviting outsiders, not insiders-an invitation to a changed life, changed inside and out.” They asked him, “John’s disciples are well-known for keeping fasts and saying prayers. Also the Pharisees. But you seem to spend most of your time at parties. Why?” Jesus said, “When you’re celebrating a wedding, you don’t skimp on the cake and wine. You feast. Later you may need to pull in your belt, but this isn’t the time. As long as the bride and groom are with you, you have a good time. (Luke 5:29-34, The Message) 
 
I am not trying to be flippant (this time) but clearly Jesus knew how to party in the good sense of the word. He knew how to interact warmly with others and connect with those around Him. And He knew where to find those who needed the touch of forgiveness the most.
  
John Wesley once walked through the London market with a young man who desired to join the ministry. The coarse language offended the young man and he clearly wanted to leave. But Wesley told him to, “Stay, and learn to preach.”

For some reason many have the habit of using the name of Jesus when they are angry or something goes wrong. When I hear that I almost always respond. 

(Something bad happens)
Them: Jesus Christ!
Me:     Not His fault.

I have had surprisingly good results with that simple little comment delivered with gentleness and a smile. For my fellow followers of Jesus I suggest the following. Set a higher standard but don’t be self-righteous about it. Never be surprised when sinners (even those who know Jesus) sin. Pray for the heart of those who offend you with bad language. That is the source of the problem, not the words themselves. Concentrate instead on the “g” word.

Grace.

And love them like Jesus.

Increasingly we have become a society that uses polarizing words instead of words that allow and engage conversation. Instead of picking a graceful term that can be debated we pull out the flame throwers and use inflammatory words designed to create a visceral response. Such a word is often used to describe the desire of many Christians to tell others about their faith in God. Those who are offended by that activity immediately accuse them of proselytizing. The mere use of the word moves the motive from concern to coercion. Violators of my beliefs will be proselytized!

I was surprised to see that proselytize is used as a synonym for brainwashing at an online thesaurus site. The actual definition listed by dictionary.com is:

   1.  To induce someone to convert to one’s own religious faith.
   2.  To convert (a person) from one belief, doctrine, cause, or faith to another.

I had never paid a lot of attention to the use of the word.  I know it has become a pejorative when used to refer to Christians. But as I read the definitions it became clear to me that I need to gently challenge this word and its usage with Christian evangelism. As an evangelical Christian (evangelical will be a future “bad word” topic) I do not feel it is my mission to “convert” someone to my religious faith. I cannot “convert” anyone to Christian faith. That is God’s job. In baseball parlance I am merely a set-up man at best…the Holy Spirit of God is the closer. I do have a job. Actually it is a command that Jesus gave in Matthew.

Jesus said, “”Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: “Love others as well as you love yourself.’  Matthew 22   The Message

Frankly we have too often lost track of these simple yet powerful commands. When we love others sacrificially our message becomes inviting…not proselytizing. If you have ever been around a Christian who is truly living these words then you know how powerful their life influence can be for those who know them. Saint Francis of Assisi wonderfully observed that we should “preach the gospel at all times…if necessary, use words.”  Do you see the power of letting the gospel message flow out of our actions?

But to anyone reading this who is of a different faith or no faith at all I must confess my dilemma to you. If I truly believe this to be the truth and if my faith in Christ has genuinely changed my life then how can I not tell you? Why should you be offended if I care enough to reach out gently and in love? I openly acknowledge that too many Christians are heavy-handed and even mean when they attempt to communicate their beliefs. I know. I was wounded by some of those legalistic types. But should I automatically be offended if someone wants to tell me something that they believe is life-changing and eternal? 

I remember being intimately involved with some friends over a period of years because of our kid’s sports activities. They were from a denomination that believed only they were going to heaven. They knew we did not belong to that denomination. Yet they never once said a word that they believed we were off track and even doomed. Would I have changed my views? No. But it would have showed that they cared enough to let me know what they held dear and their concern for me. I was actually a little hurt that they didn’t seem to care that I would not join them in heaven.

Michael Kinsley wrote in Time magazine (February 19, 2001) about the anger that some folks feel toward Christians who seem compelled to share their faith. 

 “You may not agree that your soul needs saving, but why is he wrong to try as long as he isn’t prying away your soul against your will? As an ethnically Jewish nonbeliever, I find this fuss over conversion utterly baffling…But an insult? In a way, it is insulting to Jews that Fundamentalist Christians don’t try harder to convert us. Oh sure, they’re friendly enough now. But wait until Judgment Day. Then it will be, `Sorry, we seem to have lost your reservation.’ And from this perspective, the Jewish policy of actively discouraging converts to Judaism starts to seem like `theological arrogance’ indeed. At the same time, when you object to noncoercive conversion, it starts to look like the opposite of arrogance: theological insecurity. What are you afraid of? The decision will be made by you or by God, and in either case; there is no ground for complaint.”

I suspect that technique is too often the rub. As I mentioned, I was a victim of over the top zealous religious people as a teenager. I am still a little amazed that I eventually came to faith.

If I care about you I will naturally want to share the most important thing in my life. But I think you have some rights as the hearer of that message. I wrote the following in my book When Bad Christians Happen to Good Christians.

The Unbelievers Bill of Rights…

• I have the right to never have faith forced on me.
• I have the right to never be treated in a condescending manner.
• I have the right to always hear the truth.
• I have the right for you to patiently hear my concerns and doubts.
• I have the right to seek answers to those questions and doubts that you can’t answer.
• I have the right to be steered to resources for my own study and investigation.
• I have the right to be loved no matter how I respond to the gospel message.

I hope that I honor you by following the list above. I hope you will understand that my wanting to let you know about the most important thing in my life honors you as well. My desire is for you to experience the peace, joy and contentment that Christ has given to me. God only comes into lives when invited. You have every right to reject my message and the invitation. But I want to let you know that invitation changed my life completely. I hope you believe that I feel no superiority, judgment or impatience with you. I just wanted you to know. The rest is up to you.