Author: Dave Burchett

Occasionally people will observe our three wonderful sons and ask something like this. “What did you do to parent such great kids?” My response is simple. “I married Joni. The rest is a blur.” There is a little too much truth in that answer. She was and is remarkable. But we did partner in this grand adventure called parenting. Along the way I learned some things mostly by error and stumbling trial. Over the next day or two I will share what I have figured out with the disclaimer that I do not claim to be an expert. It is with humility and grateful appreciation to God that He has given me the gift of this family.

One thing I have learned in my journey is that every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is whether that legacy will be good, bad, or indifferent. Being a father is tough because we generally learn how to parent while on the job.

Ken Druck and James Simmons in The Secrets Men Keep discuss six major secrets men have. At the top of the list is that “men secretly yearn for their fathers love and approval.” This is often without their conscious knowledge that this yearning manifests itself in the drive that many males have to prove themselves. The authors say:

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers …. Of the hundreds of men I have surveyed over the years, perhaps 90 percent admitted they still had strings leading back to their fathers. In other words, they are still looking to their fathers, even though their fathers may have been dead for years, for approval, acceptance, affection, and understanding.

This series is not about being a perfect dad. If it were, I would be completely unqualified to write it. This series is not about piling guilt on you for mistakes made. I am not looking for the result like the boy who said to his preacher on the way out, “Boy, that was a good sermon. My dad slumped way down today.” This series is seeing what God’s plan is for leaving a positive legacy as an earthly father.

The first way to leave a good legacy is found in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV, Ephesians 5:25) The translation in The Message says this.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

The number one way to leave a great legacy for your children is very simple:

Love your wife.

If you are already 0 for 1…or 0 for 2…hang with me. God is a God of grace and compassion. He can redeem damaged relationships with children.

The idea of marriage as an absolute commitment is an endangered species. Actor Brad Pitt has confessed he knew his marriage to Jennifer Aniston would never last. He said in a recent interview that he never expected to be wed forever. He described his high-profile breakup as “beautiful.” Pitt seemed frustrated about the public perception… “It’s talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn’t flawless.” Now comes Pitt’s wisdom about marriage: “Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time – that I don’t understand.”

Our culture has devalued marriage to the point where far too many people enter relationships on a trial basis with no expectation that it can last. I will guarantee you one thing…that mindset will make it very likely that it will not last. Had Joni and I shared that value we would be a stat and our children would be from a divorced home. Why should followers of Jesus believe that marriage is for all time? A report by Warren Mueller revealed that where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55 percent, but where only the mother attends, just 15 percent of the children remain involved in the church.

Theodore M. Hesburgh wrote that the “most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

Your children watch how you treat their mother. They WATCH … and they are LEARNING and FORMING their concept of marriage from YOU. You are creating a PATTERN, a BLUEPRINT for marriage with your children. I struggled as a husband because I had not seen that blueprint in my parents’ marriage. My Dad was a good dad but my parents did not have a good marriage. Joni and I had to break the cycle because she also came from a difficult family situation. Because we broke the cycle our kids have seen a marriage that survived, and not only survived but is very happy. But we had to do a lot of learning on the job.

Part of my preparation for this series was a survey of my three sons…I know…it makes you want to hum the music and do that thing with the hands and knees they did at the beginning of the show. I asked my sons three questions and not one of them was “What is your quest” or “What is your favorite color”. A real sign of growth for me. Here are the questions. 

What were their favorite memories with me?
What did they learn from me as a dad?
And what do they wish I had done differently?

Yeah…that last question scared me for one major reason. My sons are truthful. But I figured if I had done something really wrong in their eyes I wanted to seek forgiveness now. Plus I would have a written document so that if they turned up on Dr. Phil someday I can say I gave them a chance and they didn’t say anything. Seriously, I thought the exercise would make them consider how they could be a better father someday…how they could break more cycles.

Our oldest son Matt wrote a little extra in his letter:

And thank you for being committed to Mom.  It is a rarity to have a family that is not broken.  But you gave up bigger things to make sure we stayed together and that has made all the difference. 

If you are still able to control this one move it to the top of your list. The first step to leaving a good legacy as a dad is to love your wife!

Regular readers of the humble ramblings know that I am a recovering legalist. I spent about three decades trying to find the right set of performance tools to become righteous. Guess how that worked out?

I have such mixed feelings about my first church. I am grateful for the Gospel message they preached that led me to trust Jesus as my Savior. I am sad that they lived a joyless life of self-effort, guilt and self condemnation. In this particular theological flavor you could achieve a second stage of sanctification where you would not sin anymore. This was particularly tough for a young cynical teenager who saw “sanctified” people doing things that smelled and looked suspiciously like sin. I watched with frustration and sometimes amazement at the semantic hoops they jumped through to remain sinless.  

They simply developed new language and rules for themselves. Here is a partial listing that I observed.

When I gossiped it was sin….
When they gossiped it was “sharing.”

When I stood up for a belief I was stubborn…
When they were rigid they had the strength of their convictions.

When I made a mistake I was an immature Christian…
When they erred they were going through a “difficult time”.

When I acted in self-interest I was selfish…
When they act in self-interest they were looking out for themselves because no one else would.

When I missed church I was undisciplined and letting down the fellowship…
When they missed it was because of their difficult week that I couldn’t even begin to understand.

When I didn’t work at a church function I was lazy…
When they didn’t volunteer it was because they couldn’t possibly take on another thing (heavy sighhhh as they lugged the cross behind them).

When I took initiative I was self-centered and controlling…
When they took charge they were following God’s direction.

When I got angry I had a terrible attitude…
When they got ticked off they were “filled with righteous indignation”. I had no doubt they were filled with something. 

I think I have made the point. Anyone can justify sin and fake holiness with all sorts of clever nuance. But the way to deal with sin is to understand that my sin has already been justified. By grace. And because of that I am holy. Can’t work my way to righteousness. Righteousness is imputed to me by Jesus Christ.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. (Romans 3, NIV)

Adam set the tone way back in the garden when he sinned and then hid when God sought him. When I try to work my way to righteousness I will invariably hide because I can’t do it and I am filled with guilt. My response to guilt is to hide in shame. There is no need to hide when you believe that your sin is forgiven and justified because of Christ alone. When you stop being hidden and let the light shine on your sin you suddenly and even surprisingly find that you can begin to mature in your faith. And the works that seemed so burdensome become joyful service of gratitude and love.

There is a little saying that I have heard all of my life.

If you can’t say something nice about them…then don’t say anything.

Had I practiced that very wise advice I would have had many more “quiet times” in my life. I have not always practiced that simple principle even though I have read and nodded solemnly in agreement as I read James and Paul warn of the dangers of gossip and an uncontrolled tongue.  Whether you call it venting or sharing it is always perilously close to gossiping. That is one of those “fine line” challenges. Like Dave Barry’s quote that “there’s a fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’.” I would submit that there is a fine line between venting/sharing and gossip. Gossip is one of the favorite tools that Satan has in his toolbox.

Brooklyn Tabernacle takes gossip very seriously. New members hear this charge as they become members of the church. 

“And now, I charge you, as pastor of this church, that if you ever hear another member speak an unkind word of criticism or slander against anyone—myself, another pastor, an usher, a choir member, or anyone else—you have authority to stop that person in mid sentence and say, ?Excuse me—who hurt you? Who ignored you? Who slighted you? Was it Pastor Cymbala? Let’s go to his office right now. He will get on his knees and apologize to you, and then we will pray together, so God can restore peace and unity to this body. But we will not let you talk critically about people who are not present to defend themselves. New members, please understand that I am entirely serious about this. I want to help resolve this kind of thing immediately. And meanwhile, know this: If YOU are ever the one doing the loose talking, we will confront you.”

If every church practiced this I suspect we have far less division in the church. An interesting thought about gossip comes from Frank A. Clark. “Gossip needn’t be false to be evil – there’s a lot of truth that shouldn’t be passed around.”

Ouch. That convicted me. I have vented and shared things that were true. Somehow that made me feel better that I was venting truth. But I later realized that my venting was not edifying to the body of Christ. I was not giving the grace that I had received from God. I may have been right but I was not righteous. King Solomon wrote that “a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” How tragic. But that is happening every single day in the church. Later the wise King notes that “without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

So my challenge to you and to me (as I look uncomfortably into the mirror) is to not add any fuel to the gossip fire. I have too often added kerosene instead of kindness. I want to be tender and not tinder. I cannot use the lyric from the old Billy Joel song as an excuse that “I didn’t start the fire”. Jesus is asking us to not spread the fire and He especially is asking us to extinguish it with grace.

A recent trip to New York included the usual trips to the Bronx and the new Yankee Stadium. Across the street the once proud “House that Ruth Built” was being slowly demolished. About one-third of the stadium was still upright. It was a sad sight. I recalled the recent and very different demise of Texas Stadium in Irving, Texas. In about a minute that once grand structure came crashing down in a spectacular implosion. The demise of something important in your life is sad whether it comes by agonizing demolition or dramatic implosion.

I thought of fellow sojourners of faith whose once solid foundation of belief has been destroyed. For some it seemed like their spiritual demise came out of nowhere. A spiritual implosion if you will. But the truth is that there is rarely a quick implosion of faith. It almost always occurs slowly over time. Bringing down Texas Stadium took months of targeting the foundation and key structural supports. After thousands of hours of planning and work the building came down in about a minute. But that dramatic minute was just the final result. So it is with our faith foundation. The Enemy plants a explosive device of doubt on one part of the foundation. Self-effort to fix sin issues weakens another part of the structure. Hiding who you are from God and others fatally weakens more support structures. Forgetting to nourish the soul with God’s Word rusts the steel of perseverance. Failing to pray causes cracks to become fissures. And then a wound, a broken relationship, an illness, a betrayal or a loss causes the button to be pushed and the detonation occurs. Faith implodes. But it was not that one issue or event that caused faith to blow up. It was the slow destruction of faith’s foundation over time. Jesus described the process in the Gospel of Luke.

“So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.” (Luke 6, NLT)

Check your foundation. Build only on the Solid Rock of Jesus. Then you can stand against whatever the world throws at you.

 

Regular readers of these humble ramblings (all tens of you) know what an over the top dog lover I am. So this little nugget in the cybermailbox from my friend Clint caught my attention.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”

Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing… I know my Master is there and that is enough.”  (Source unknown)

I love that. That email reminded me of a story I told in my extremely modest selling book “Bring’em Back Alive” about our Golden Retriever Charlie. My spiritual epiphany from Charlie came after he developed a large tumor under his front leg that made walking difficult. We took him in for what would be a rather serious surgery at his ripe old canine age of twelve. The vet did a masterful job in removing the growth and taking care of Charlie. We were called to the animal hospital to pick him up. We waited as they brought Charlie out. He shuffled slowly out and I was taken aback by his appearance. Charlie was trembling, frightened and appeared to be in some pain. His head was down and his perpetual motion tail was strangely still. He seemed confused and disoriented. Then I walked over to Charlie and simply touched him. Almost immediately he quit trembling and he made a valiant attempt to wag his tail. We carefully got him into the car and took Charlie home to heal.

As I reflected on that scene it struck me that Charlie’s reaction to my touch and mere presence was a wonderful illustration of how Jesus comforts (or desires to comfort) me. When I (his master) touched Charlie he was comforted. His pain was not gone. He was still frightened. He was still a bit disoriented and unsure. Charlie’s circumstances hadn’t really changed at all. But he knew that his master was there and that made it better. What a picture that is of how the touch of Jesus enables us to respond when we are frightened, in pain, disoriented and confused. We need to remind ourselves that Jesus never promised that all trouble would vanish when we believe in Him. Jesus did promise that He would be there and that would be enough. But the tough question arises…do we truly believe that? My prayer for myself and for you today is that we will seek, realize, and be comforted by the touch of the Master in times of difficulty. Paul realized that contentment is not found in good circumstances. He wrote these words from prison while chained to a Roman soldier.

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (Philippians, The Message)

I am so grateful that Paul did not write I “am” content and I “know” the secret even though those words could have been true. He was divinely inspired to honestly write that he had “learned” to be content and he had “learned” the secret of being content. It did come naturally or easily to Paul either. Don’t be discouraged. If you are following Jesus and seeking the touch of the Master then you are learning as well. Contentment is learning how to be present in the present with Jesus. Our nature is to not enjoy the moment at hand and the blessings that usually surround us. Satan would have us living in regret of the past and fear of the future. Jesus said to follow Him. He told us our past is forgiven and our future is in His Hands. Enjoy the moment. Seek the touch of the Master. And continue “learning” to be content. It will change your life.

(This is an annual revisit of one of the great stories in sports. Something to take your mind off of tax day)

April 15^th is not my favorite day of the year. Traditional tax day is never fun for a guy who is organizationally challenged. My idea of being prepared is having everything in one box. But I was heartened to find that April 15^th is a great day for baseball fans. 

Jackie Robinson made his major league debut at first base for the Brooklyn Dodgers on that date in 1947. It was a historic and significant day for baseball but maybe more so for our country. You can argue that the American civil rights movement was ignited when Robinson came to bat in Dodger Blue. The journey for Robinson was difficult at best and nearly impossible at worst. 

Many Dodgers players, mostly Southerners led by Dixie Walker, threatened to walk if forced to play with a black player. That ended when Dodger management let them know in no uncertain terms that they could keep walking to the unemployment line. I often write about the pain that is caused by “bad” or thoughtless Christians. Can you imagine the pain that Robinson felt to have his teammates reject him for only one reason?  

But one teammate reacted in a way that I wish all serious and thoughtful Christians would emulate. Team captain Pee Wee Reese was an unlikely ally for Robinson. He was born in segregated Louisville, Kentucky, and the odds were that Reese would be a part of the boycott against a black player. But the diminutive Pee Wee Reese proved to be a giant of a man one day in Cincinnati. During infield practice the Redleg players were screaming at Jackie with all of the usual hateful epithets. And then the venom was distributed to Reese. They were yelling things at him like “How can you play with this (epithet)?”, as Jackie stood uncomfortably at first base. Pee Wee went over to him and put his arm around him and smiled. A silence fell over the Reds dugout and the fans witnessing this amazing act of grace, Jackie smiled back. 

At Reese’s funeral, Joe Black, another Major League Baseball black pioneer, said: “Pee Wee helped make my boyhood dream come true to play in the Majors, the World Series. When Pee Wee reached out to Jackie, all of us in the Negro League smiled and said it was the first time that a White guy had accepted us. When I finally got up to Brooklyn, I went to Pee Wee and said, ‘Black people love you. When you touched Jackie, you touched all of us.’ With Pee Wee, it was No. 1 on his uniform and No. 1 in our hearts.”  

Robinson later wrote this sentiment to Reese in a book inscription. 

“Pee Wee whether you are willing to admit what you being just a great guy meant (a great deal) to my career, I want you to know how much I feel it meant. May I take this opportunity to say a great big thanks and I sincerely hope all things you want in life be yours.”  

We need a lot more Pee Wee Reese’s in the body of Christ. We need men and women who are willing to step up for others when it may not be the best action for personal gain. We need men who are brave enough to look hatred and bigotry in the eye and call it by its name. April 15^th was a day that demonstrated the greatness of two men. We need men who have the courage to emulate both Jackie Robinson and Pee Wee Reese in our walk with Jesus. The Apostle Paul had some good advice to accomplish that goal. 

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

    Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. Gal 6  Msg 

I want to be willing to stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. As I meditate on the gift of grace and redemption I received through the Cross I wonder how I can do anything else?