Author: Dave Burchett

If you missed yesterday’s edition of the humble ramblings allow me to bring you up to date. We invited Job’s buddies in to give us a seminar on how not to treat a friend going through a difficult season. Today the first guest is Zophar from Naamath. And, waiting backstage to confront his friends is the star of the book, Job himself. Another lesson in friendship coming up next on Good Morning, Uz.

Let’s welcome Zophar from Naamath to our discussion:

Job, do you think you can carry on like this and we’ll say nothing?

(Pretty sure Job was thinking that ain’t likely to happen). 

That we’ll let you rail and mock and not step in? You claim, “My doctrine is sound and my conduct impeccable.’  How I wish God would give you a piece of his mind, tell you what’s what! I wish he’d show you how wisdom looks from the inside,  for true wisdom is mostly “inside.’  But you can be sure of this,  you haven’t gotten half of what you deserve. Job 11:3-6 (MsgB) 

Application: Can you imagine what Job must have thought with this line of thought? He had lost everything including his health. What more could possibly go wrong? Death, as Job repeatedly noted, would be blessed relief from his plight. Leave the judgment robes at home when you speak to those who are going through trials. What was Zophar thinking? The goal of the a good friend  is to engage, listen, comfort, and restore. It is worth noting that the first round of “help” from his friends generated this cynical response from Job.
 
“I’m sure you speak for all the experts, and when you die there’ll be no one left to tell us how to live. 

Haven’t you been there? Listening in disbelief and even anger to the person who has it all figured out. Observation from a Bad Christian: About 90 % of the time these armchair experts have not experienced anything resembling what you are going through. I must make a note to thank Job someday for preceding me in the ministry of sarcasm. But I digress. Back to his comments.

But don’t forget that I also have a brain-I don’t intend to play second fiddle to you. It doesn’t take an expert to know these things. “I’m ridiculed by my friends: ‘So that’s the man who had conversations with God!’  Ridiculed without mercy: ‘Look at the man who never did wrong!’  It’s easy for the well-to-do to point their fingers in blame,  for the well-fixed to pour scorn on the strugglers. Job 12:2-5 (MsgB) 

Application from Job. There is much to learn about approaching those who are hurting from the words of Job. His friend’s judgments and neatly wrapped solutions only added to his hurt. It is indeed easy to offer reasons when someone else is going through hurt and difficulties. I pray that we will show grace to the wounded. First, because they need it but more selfishly because we soon may need that very grace returned.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. (Galations 6  MsgB)

 Job has more to offer about the ineffectiveness of his friends.

“I’ve had all I can take of your talk. What a bunch of miserable comforters! Job 16:2 (MsgB) 

Application: It would seem rather obvious that Job was looking for comfort and not theological insight and debate from his friends. He had already decided to hold steadfast  to God. He just needed his friends to be actual friends. It is an interesting twist because Scripture records that the original mission for his friends was to do exactly what Job needed from them.

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  Job 2 NIV

How could such a noble mission veer so far off target? The Church Lady would say, “Could it be?”  (echo) “Satan?” This is an important lesson for those of us who are hurt or offended by friends. Job’s friends sacrificially left their homes and traveled to be helpful and comforting. They just blew it. And sometimes you and I do as well.

In addition to the less than helpful input from his pals, Job had  a memorable and uncomfortable exchange with the lovely Mrs. Job.

His wife said, “Still holding on to your precious integrity, are you? Curse God and be done with it!” He told her, “You’re talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God-why not also the bad days?” Not once through all this did Job sin. He said nothing against God. Job 2:9-10 (MsgB) 

I am pretty sure that I would have addressed Joni a bit differently. Uhhh…make that I am positive I would have addressed that differently.  Job’s insights to his wife are valuable. His technique of communication might have later led to counseling or an appearance on the Rabbi Phil Show. Nonetheless, through all of his trials he did not turn on God although (and this is important) he was extremely candid with God in his conversations. I think that we fear being honest with Him as if God doesn’t already know our feelings. Jesus Himself questioned what He was about to endure in His gut wrenching prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. But He finished by saying, “Not my will but yours be done.”
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Another role of a good friend is to encourage that honest, gut-level communication with God. That can be a key to beginning the healing process. One of the things that I have found out through my writing is how valuable it is to write and see your feelings and frustrations on paper. If you thought When Bad Christians Happen to Good People was a bit edgy you should have seen the first draft! Some of the feelings that poured out as I wrote were anything but edifying and exposed emotions and issues that I needed to address with God and not some innocent person accidentally buying my book. It was quite helpful (and a bit unsettling) to see those things on paper. It was instrumental in allowing me to deal with them.

Tomorrow on Good Morning, Uz  Job talks to God. And a little surprise is ahead for Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. God confronts them for being bad friends. Stay tuned.

Yesterday I passed along some tips on how to be a good buddy when a friend is going through a deep trial. Steve is a committed reader of these ramblings (and for that perhaps he should be committed). He complimented me on being a quick study on this issue. While I appreciate the kind words I have to admit that I learned much of what not to do from Eliphaz from Teman, Bildad from Shuhah, and of course; Zophar from Naamath. If you don’t recognize the list above these are the buddies of Job who taught the original seminar of how not to deal with a friend going through adversity. I must disclaim that Joni and I have not encountered friends like Job’s in our current trial. But there are so many lessons to be learned in this remarkable story about suffering, trials, our response, and about how to be a friend. As all of you literate readers of this blog know already, it was Euripedes who said that “real friendship is shown in times of trouble; prosperity is full of friends.”  That is the hard lesson that Job learned. Everyone knows the story of Job. He was a godly man with toxic friends. But perhaps we have a lot to learn from those friends. Today’s seminar is courtesy of Eliphaz from Teman who smugly said….
 
Think! Has a truly innocent person ever ended up on the scrap heap? Do genuinely upright people ever lose out in the end? It’s my observation that those who plow evil and sow trouble reap evil and trouble. Job 4:7-8 (MsgB) 

Application : Do not assume that someone going through trials is at fault for their difficulties. And do not assume that they are not at fault. Allow God to handle both of those duties. Eliphaz arrogantly proclaimed that it was his “observation” that you reap what you sow. That is a principle that is often true but we know from God’s Word that Job’s trials were unrelated to sin or evil in his life. Eliphaz jumped to an incorrect and hurtful conclusion before knowing the facts. Listen first. Allow wounded and hurting friends to express their frustration and pain. This goes against every natural instinct that most of us possess. I am prone to want to jump in and fix the problem. God is teaching me to listen, pray and allow the Holy Spirit to direct my words and actions.

When you are with a brother or sister going through deep trials  I would suggest using any one of the following three strategies.

1. Be empathetic and listen.
2. Be empathetic and listen.
3. Be empathetic and listen.

I devised this strategy specifically for me because my previous program consisted of only one step.

1. Loosely hear a few sentences and then impatiently solve their problem with some vaguely appropriate verses while dramatically sharing my own personal horror story that far exceeds their puny little problem.

I can assure you that the results of that strategy were not stellar. In my defense, the three step plan above takes a lot more caring and work. 

 The next lesson also comes from Eliphaz

“So, what a blessing when God steps in and corrects you! Job 5:17 (MsgB) 

Application: I am pretty sure that Job was not quite at the “I’m thinkin’ what a blessing this is” phase of his ordeal. While he remained stubbornly faithful to the Lord and did not sin against Him, Job was angry, frustrated, bitter, bewildered and downcast about all the anguish he was going through. In other words, Job was human. His trust in God was supernatural, his roller coaster ride of emotions was normal.

 The truth that God can use every circumstance for ultimate good is a foundational promise of our faith. However, it is often difficult if not impossible to understand that truth during the turbulence of the trial. When I fly I know intellectually that those big bumps and shudders are caused by disturbances in the air and I will surely survive it. But realistically I just want to get through the turbulence and back to smooth air. Then I can intellectually consider the aerodynamics of clear air turbulence. So it is with the turbulence of life.

Focus on being empathetic. You don’t need to offer answers and try to explain things that are often without explanation.

If this was daytime television we would now cut to a shot of Job in a backstage dressing room listening to Eliphaz’s “wisdom”. Next the announcer breathlessly proclaims…

Coming up next, Job confronts his toxic friend! Stay tuned on Good Morning, Uz.

 It is not easy to know what to do when a brother or sister is going through adversity. So here are some early lessons we have learned from our cancer journey.

A primer for being a good adversity buddy…

1) It is okay to say the “C” word. Joni and I know that she has cancer so it will not be a surprise to us. We believe that we have a “C” word in our lives that trumps the fear of cancer. That “C” word is Christ.

2) You don’t have to “say” anything profound, theologically brilliant, or comforting. Simple phrases like “I am praying” and “I am here if you need me” pack more punch than a theological dissertation on suffering. Some don’t know what to say and then proceed to say it in great detail. Joni and I don’t need to “figure” this all out right now. We just need to walk with the Lord one step at a time. We know He has a plan. We are not necessarily convinced that He has told you what it is.

3) Do not try to “prepare” your friends with stories of other cancer patients. Recounting stories of terrible side effects and problems are really not helpful. The doctor will give us a good rundown of those possibilities based on our case. We have a medical team for that. Our friendship team can best help by being positive and prayerful.

4) Do not use mournful tones when talking to a cancer patient.  Just use your normal voice…really. We won’t suspect you don’t care.

5) Do not predict the outcome with phrases like “you are going to be fine.“ No one is completely sure of the outcome. What you can say is that God will be faithful and you want to walk with them throught the journey as well.

6) It is okay to cry and it is okay to laugh. Crying doesn’t mean you are not dealing with the cancer well and laughter does not mean you are in denial. Both are part of the journey.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Matt 11:28 NLT

Cast your cares on the LORD
       and he will sustain you;
       he will never let the righteous fall.  Psalm 55:28

8) Embrace your role as a part of the body of Christ. We are all in this together. Do practical things like bring a meal or clean the house.

Share each other’s troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

9) Don’t say that you could not deal with adversity as well as your friend is handling it. You could. Part of being a follower of Christ is knowing He is with you in times like this. You are given strength and comfort that is supernatural. It is there when you need it. You can’t store it for future trouble or put it in a to go box for later. God apportions that strength and comfort out as needed. The peace that surpasses all understanding is real.

10) Learn from those who have shown how it looks to trust Jesus in adversity. Joni and I have had two amazing couples as mentors in our lives. I wrote about them in an earlier blog called  My Nominations for Persons of the Year. Our friends showed us by walking the walk how God is real in far worse situations than ours. Jesus is real. He is real in the good times. And especially in the bad.

American Christians should think twice before we ever use the word persecution when we describe our trials. Please hear me out…I know that many of the things we endure are difficult. Betrayal, slander, loneliness, hurt, illness, divorce, abandonment, and separation are painful. But persecution? I don’t know if the average American Christian really knows what that word means. Dictionary.net defines persecution as “the act or practice of persecuting; especially, the infliction of loss, pain, or death for adherence to a particular creed or mode of worship.”

I have been so moved by the story of Adbul Rahman. He is my brother in Christ in Afghanistan. Abdul  has earned the right to use the word persecution. He has stood courageously in the face of threats, ridicule, and even the prospect of death. I am not worthy to lace his sandals. When Rahman had the oportunity to “compromise” to save his life he refused. Authorities offered him the defense of mental incompetance to avoid the punishment. He announced that he was completely sane.

If he had been sentenced, Rahman would have been the first person punished for leaving Islam since the Taliban was ousted by American-led forces in late 2001.

An Afghan Christian in the U.S. who has regular contact with Christians in his home country through his ministry, posted a video clip of Rahman on his website. Rahman says in the clip, according to Andaryas: “The punishment by hanging? I will accept it gladly, but I am not an infidel. I am not a traitor. I am a follower of Jesus.”

 I am humbled. I am ashamed that I have been intimidated that someone might make fun of me if I make my faith known. Joni and I have a running gag that whenever I hear myself starting down Woe is Me Lane I stop and say this to her.

“Nobody suffers as much as I do, do they?”
“No,” she laughs. “Nobody.”

It is my way of self-depracating acknowledgement that my trials are small and my God is big. I just need to remember that. Today the trial is a little bigger as we sit at the hospital awaiting Joni’s surgery for breast cancer. And we know that the same God who gave Abdul the courage to look death in the eye and never flinch is the same God who comforts us in Room number 8. To paraphrase a promise from God’s Word…

“Greater is He who is in Joni and than the cancer that is in her body.”

We do not doubt that for one second. Thank you to my brother Abdul who has blessed and encouraged a member of his new family half a world away. Our God is an awesome God.

P.S. Surgery went perfectly. We will find out by Friday if the cancer is contained. Chemotherapy starts in 3 to 4 weeks. We are trusting, completely, in Him.

So many friends have expressed caring, love, and prayers since the word went out about Joni’s cancer. We are touched and blessed by your prayers and encouragement. James told us to “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

That is a pretty tall order isn’t it? But as I look over my life I realize that every time of real growth was watered by adversity. Job endured a more severe test that most of us can even fathom. Not once through all of his overwhelming trials did Job sin. He said nothing against God. At one point Job’s wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” I am convinced that Job had decided in advance that his God was trustworthy so he was able to choose to trust Him. He most assuredly did not operate from feelings. He chose to honor God and accept the adversity. We choose to do the same.

I have decided two things. First of all, that I am grateful that my bride is not like Job’s bride. And second, that Joni and I will make this song from Casting Crowns our theme song for the next few months.

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Thank you for your prayers and support. We are humbled by your response.

Writing this humble blog has been, to say the least, an interesting experience. I am still getting used to having people call you less than kind things. One person who appears not to be a fan of mine wrote that I am a vulture and declared “what a bunch of hypocrites you people are.” You people?  This grace filled response was in reply to my suggestion that a Christian celebrity should be accountable for their actions. But the more common and much happier side of the blog experience is meeting new friends through this unique medium. I have developed a great friendship through one of those random contacts.

My new friend Randy wrote to me about a tradition he and his wife have with their sons. Each young man has a right of passage celebration when they reach the age of thirteen. Randy explained the format in his message.
 
“When my eldest, David, turned 13, Carol and I were moved to have a group of men over for his favorite dinner and share “Words of Wisdom” with him.  All we asked was that they share something with him that they wished someone had shared with them when they were 13.  It was an amazing night, which we have never and never will forget.  A dozen or so godly men investing in a great kid. We ate David’s favorite  meal (Swiss steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, Snickers cake…), then spent time sharing around the table, one at a time. 
Now comes time for our middle son, Joel.  Tomorrow is the night.”

What a wonderful idea! How I wish I had known about this when my sons began that transition from boy to man. To have men of wisdom and character share their thoughts and experience with each son would be priceless. Randy asked me if I would share something with Joel. It was an interesting challenge to write about what I wish I had known at thirteen because that age sucked for me. But God had used what I perceived to be an awful period to help make me who I am today. That is what I shared via letter with Joel.

Hi Joel,

I have not had the privilege of meeting you but I look forward to correcting that soon. However, I have had three sons who have made the passage you are making from young man into manhood. Your Dad asked me to share a few thoughts about this season of your life. I went back to my experience at age thirteen. To be honest, it was not the best time of my life. To be really honest, it was awful. I was overweight, not popular, and uncomfortable around girls.

Now I realize that what I once considered some of the worst moments of my life I am grateful for experiencing. In many of those spiritual valleys you could not have begun to convince me that God was molding me or that those experiences could ever be of value. I knew the scripture just as you likely do…that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. I now realize that mere knowledge of that promise is not enough. It comes down to our foundational belief of who God is. Do we believe His Word? I mean really believe His Word? That He will actually cause even the worst event to something work for ours or someone else’s good? That requires faith in a God that is trustworthy.

Do we know His attributes? Do we believe (really believe) His promises? If we do, then we must accept the troubles and “we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good”. Romans 8:28 (MsgB) 

I have developed a heart of compassion for those of you who are wounded. Why? God gave me the privilege of being wounded early in my life. That sounds crazy as I read back over that last sentence. It is not a sentence that I would have written twenty, ten or perhaps even five years ago. But I can see that my struggles as an overweight, geeky and generally outcast adolescent molded my heart to empathize with those who are hurt and ostracized by their peers.

Had I been the coolest guy or the best athlete or the most handsome I most likely would not have developed a sensitive spirit to others. So God gave me the opportunity on all of those fronts to develop sensitivity.  I did not enjoy that period of my life. I would have given anything at that time to be one of the popular kids. I would have told you that I would gladly trade nearly anything on the spot to be the starting quarterback or the big man on campus. I was desperate to be part of the cool group. With the benefit of hindsight I can promise you that I am grateful for every refining difficulty and problem.  Such a dramatic change in attitude is a matter of time, growth in my relationship with Jesus and my trust in the truth of His promises. As G.K.Chesterton wryly noted, “Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel.” Had I been freed the burden of my “hump” (that tough teenage passage), I would not be who I am today.

So I hope your experience right now is better than mine. But if it is not or if it changes in the future, always remember that God is in control, He loves you even more than your wonderful earthly father, and He will work it for good even if you cannot see it at the time.

Congratulations. Happy Birthday!

Just a couple of days later I received an actual letter of thanks from Joel. I didn’t know that any teenagers knew about stamps and envelopes. His thoughts were mature and articulate. Joel finished with this phrase, “thanks a million for helping me as I take a step into manhood!”

You are welcome. And remember to pass that on to other young men some day. This whole experience was a blessing for me. There are a lot of bad kids out there but they are outnumbered by kids like Joel. You just have to look a little harder to find out about them. It is worth the effort.

Most of life’s sentences are blissfully mundane. I can’t find my keys. Take out the garbage. Please feed the dog. I can’t find my keys. ADD readers will relate to that string of comments. But sometimes a single sentence will change your life. My bride of nearly thirty years dropped one of those sentences on me earlier this week.

“My spot was cancerous.”

After an optimistic initial briefing from the surgeon days earlier we were not prepared for the harsh reality of the pathology report. The  breast cancer is still small but aggressive. The prognosis still optimistic but the journey will be hard. Yesterday I quoted that noted scholar and philosopher Mike Tyson who said, “Everyone has a game plan until they get hit in the mouth.”  That was how I felt after talking and crying with my wife. We are looking at a year of treatment and trials. But God is good and His grace is truly sufficient. How can you explain how forty eight hours later we can have such confidence and peace?

Many of you read these ramblings at Crosswalk and I have become a regular peruser of that site. Just last week pastor and author John Piper wrote an amazing article at Crosswalk called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer.” Piper wrote the article on the eve of his own prostate surgery so he has a little “street cred” on the topic. I was blown away at his godly response to this fearsome foe. I never dreamed that I would be sharing that article with my wife just days later.  Joni and I have adopted John’s spiritual battle plan right alongside our doctor’s medical strategy as we proceed to fight this giant. Here is just some of John Piper’s wisdom from that article.

You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
 
It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees: “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the LORD had brought upon him” (Job 42:11). If you don’t believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it.

You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13). “There is no enchantment against Jacob, no divination against Israel” (Numbers 23:23). “The LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

The design of God in your cancer is not to train you in the rationalistic, human calculation of odds. The world gets comfort from their odds. Not Christians. Some count their chariots (percentages of survival) and some count their horses (side effects of treatment), but we trust in the name of the LORD our God (Psalm 20:7). God’s design is clear from 2 Corinthians 1:9, “We felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” The aim of God in your cancer (among a thousand other good things) is to knock props out from under our hearts so that we rely utterly on him.

You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

When Epaphroditus brought the gifts to Paul sent by the Philippian church he became ill and almost died. Paul tells the Philippians, “He has been longing for you all and has been distressed because you heard that he was ill” (Philippians 2:26-27). What an amazing response! It does not say they were distressed that he was ill, but that he was distressed because they heard he was ill. That is the kind of heart God is aiming to create with cancer: a deeply affectionate, caring heart for people. Don’t waste your cancer by retreating into yourself.

You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Christians are never anywhere by divine accident. There are reasons for why we wind up where we do. Consider what Jesus said about painful, unplanned circumstances: “They will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name’s sake. This will be your opportunity to bear witness” (Luke 21:12 -13). So it is with cancer. This will be an opportunity to bear witness. Christ is infinitely worthy. Here is a golden opportunity to show that he is worth more than life. Don’t waste it.

Joni and I do not intend to waste this experience. When we prayed about her upcoming surgery my amazing wife dropped another sentence on me that was a life changer.

“Dear God…I am not and I will not question you.”

How can you not want to go into battle with a woman like that? Yesterday I told her that I wished I was going through this and not her. She said that she was glad it was her and not me. The miracle of the two becoming one is that we both meant what we said. Just about thirty years ago I proclaimed another life changing statement without really realizing the magnitude of the vow that I was making.

I take you Joni to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…

So it is my turn to step up to the plate and back up that vow. What a privilege to be there for her as she would be there for me. We value your prayers. For anyone who might stumble on this blog I would suggest one more life changing statement. This is a statement that I have experienced and can highly recommend for both the mountains and valleys of this journey.

Jesus…I want to know you personally.