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I am going to post updates about Joni here for awhile as well as at her site. Here is the latest post from Sharing the Journey.

Chemotherapy reminds me of the original Rocky movie. You take a beating, get back up, take a beating, get back up. Rocky had one goal in mind and that was to go the distance. As you got caught up in the drama you wondered how he could keep getting back on his feet and continuing. For Rocky there was no choice.

Adrian: Why do you wanna fight?
Rocky: Because I can’t sing or dance.

As Rocky surmised, sometimes you don’t have many good options. In that movie Rocky fought the invincible Apollo Creed. No fighter had ever gone the distance against him.

Joni is fighting a foe that is also intimidating but not invincible. Many of her sisters have fought and vanquished this foe. It is hard for me to watch her get back up and head to the next round. But we know that each round brings us closer to the finish.

One memorable scene in Rocky occurs before the big fight. After all the fear and preparation were over Adrian and Rocky shared this moment.

Adrian: [just before the big fight] I’ll be here waiting for you.
Rocky: How ’bout I stay here and you fight?

Our roles are reversed. I have to wait and Joni has to fight. I wish we could switch. But for now my role is to be Joni’s corner man in this fight. Round 3 of chemotherapy is this Thursday.

Here are the prayer requests for this round.

Dictionary.com defines masquerade as one who goes about as if in disguise; to have or put on a deceptive appearance. It is funny that Joni and I never realized we were putting on a bit of a masquerade as we adjusted to her breast cancer. We had no idea that we were donning masks at times. We had no intention of being deceptive. But we have both come to realize that we were sometimes putting on masks as we addressed the trial ahead.

I was trying to be John Wayne and Joni was running around disquised as Wonder Woman. I dig John Wayne. But I am not John Wayne, Pilgrim. It is funny how you think that you have to always be strong and in control as a man. I first was “unmasked” by a friend at work.

“How are you doing?“, my friend Mike asked.
“Fine,“ I replied automatically. (Didn’t he know that John Wayne once said in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence that “Out here a man settles his own problems.” Partner, I don’t need your help!)
“And what is behind the mask?“, he inquired.
“Really, we are doing well,“ I protested. But his question haunted me and later I reflected on his question. Because I knew behind the mask I was not John Wayne. I was more like Don Knotts. Trembling while blustering that I was in control. Behind the mask I related to the lyrics of my oft quoted musical heroes Casting Crowns in their song Voice of Truth.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

My trust in God never wavered but I was too stubborn to admit that I needed the encouragement of the body of Christ in this journey. I need the strength of my brothers and sisters in the faith. I was not and am not John Wayne. When I hid behind the mask I was doomed to bottom out for awhile. And I did.

My wife’s masquerade was different. Joni is much closer to Wonder Woman than I would ever be to John Wayne. But she is still not Wonder Woman. Joni had to remove the mask of independence and self-sufficiency. Joni is a giver and most givers have a hard time receiving. Her responses from behind the mask went something like this.

“What can I do for you, Joni.“
“Nothing. Just pray. We are fine.“
“Can I bring dinner?“
“No, we are fine.“
“Is there anything I can do?“
“Thanks. We are doing okay.“

But chemotherapy slows down even Wonder Woman and Joni has had to learn the lesson that givers sometimes have to receive in the body of Christ. We realized this weekend that we really are doing well as long as we simply play ourselves. God is moving in our lives, encouraging, loving, and teaching us in this valley. When we step out of our comfort zone we are learning to listen to His voice only. Here is the chorus to the song Voice of Truth.

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

And that is our strategy in a nutshell…unmasked. We have chosen to listen to the voice of truth. There is one John Wayne quote that really resonates with me. The Duke once observed that “Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway.” Amen, John. That is true grit and true faith. King David understood the concept of being scared and saddling up anyway.

But when I am afraid,
       I put my trust in you.     
    O God, I praise your word.
       I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?  Psalm 56

Our trust in a God who is worthy gives us the courage to saddle up anyway. We have decided to put away the masks. And that feels really good. Give it a try sometime.
 

There are abundant blessings to be found in every trial. One of the surprising blessings for me in our breast cancer journey has been meeting the sisterhood of breast cancer. That is when I first realized that bald is beautiful. These women are everywhere. And they are awesome. They are courageous. They have dignity and strength. One of my favorite t-shirts simply says…

I am a REAL survivor!

Not some weirdo who eats bugs and runs around scheming against one another to win big money. These survivors have looked death in the face and they have not blinked. Part of my early adapting to Joni losing her hair was watching these beautiful women come into the infusion suite at the cancer center. For those of you who have been blessed with never having to learn the terminology the infusion center is a room full of reclining chairs where you come for your chemo cocktail drip. Not exactly my idea of happy hour. But I came to the realization that, amazingly, this was not a depressing place. They arrive wearing scarves, headwraps, turbans, hats, and wigs. But what struck me in the early processing of this disease is that most of these women had discarded the shallow worldly perception of beauty. They had embraced a new beauty. The beauty of dignity and authenticity. Some were sassy with big earrings and bold makeup. Some were elegant. Most were casual.

The veterans quickly realized that Joni and I were chemo rookies. With genuine friendliness and concern they showed us the unfortunate ropes of chemo. You don’t get the horror stories in this room. No examples of people who had “what you have” and suffered terrible side effects. This is a room full of hope and comaraderie. These “princess warriors” are remarkable. They lead by example and by encouragement.

You can do it. I have.
You will make it. I did.
You will want to quit. I wanted to. 
Don’t give in. I didn’t.

I reflected on this sorority of cancer sisters. We felt love. We felt acceptance. Financial status did not matter. Clothing was irrelevant. Careers did not matter. What are you driving? Who gives a rodent’s derriere? Size of house? Could not care less. Advanced degrees? Only mattered if you were above 98.7. Everyone was equally committed to one task. The focus of this room was giving support and comfort to those trying to slay a giant named cancer.

I started to think about how we do church in America. If I asked a large number of people to answer the questions above about their experience at church I would likely be dismayed. Based on the hundreds of emails and responses I get to my books I would suggest that many do not feel loved and accepted. I have personally observed that financial status sometimes does matter. I have been saddened to watch how clothing matters to some as well. Career? I’m afraid so. Advanced degrees? Oh, yeah. Why do these trivial things matter in the church and not in the cancer center? Maybe we have not as clearly identified the enemy in church. In the cancer center we named the place after the enemy. We hate cancer. The sisterhood and their not always so valiant knights are committed to slaying that beast. In the church we seem to forget we have an enemy just as deadly. That enemy is sin. We don’t really hate sin as much as we should, do we? If we hated sin as much as we hate cancer we concentrate on stopping it. And I must remind you that we would attack sin…not the sinner. No one at the cancer center hates the person who has cancer in their body. We hate the cancer. So the concentration is removing the cancer and encouraging the patient to heal. But at church we too often attack the sin and the sinner. I wonder what the recovery rate would be if we reviled patients for getting cancer? I am sure it would be much lower. It was not Joni’s “fault“ that she has cancer. It is just a fact and we are seeking a cure. It is not necessarily your brother and sister’s “fault“ that they are sinful. It is just a fact and they need a cure. Jesus used the medical metaphor beautifully.

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means:  ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice. ‘For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”   Matt 9  NIV

I have read that passage a hundred times. But now it makes so much sense. Maybe we need to rethink our mission in church. And narrow our focus. Because it seems to me that if we can emulate the sisterhood of breast cancer survivors we could start a revival. Because cancer makes you realize what matters. And realizing what Christ did on the Cross should makes us realize what mattered to Him. Hating sin. Not sinners. Jesus clearly loved them. But our mission should be passionately hating sin and helping others conquer it. Do we? If we do then we should all daily head to the spiritual version of the infusion room. Sit down and let the Holy Spirit infuse our heart and spirit. That infusion will kill the sin in you and me so we can encourage and help others to attack sin. The reason is simple. We hate the sin and we love them.

We have established a blog to keep you updated on Joni’s cancer journey. The site is Sharing the Journey. It will be updated whenever there is news to report.

Blessings,

Dave

One of my smart aleck remarks that I use periodically is that “I am not burdened by that whole maturity thing.” There are many times when I go about demonstrating that in real life. But the unwelcome intrusion of “life” into my happy little routine has caused me to evaluate a lot of things. God is teaching and revealing a lot of things to me during our cancer journey.

1. I am clearly a work in progress as a follower of Jesus.
2. He has done a lot of work over the years that I was not aware of until this cancer trial came along.

Last night I had the weird privilege of helping clip off the rest of my bride’s hair that was falling out from the chemotherapy. As I reflected on that moment later I realized that nearly everything I knew about beauty when I was 25 years old was wrong. Like most men I looked for appearance first and then tried to find some good qualities. Joni was a stunningly beautiful woman when I fell in love with her over thirty years ago.  I have often said that I married my trophy wife first and got it over with. I also joke that I married her to deepen my gene pool. And she has done that admirably. One of the ironies of this cancer journey is remembering how much I loved Joni’s long hair in the early years of our relationship. In fact I got upset when she cut it a few years into our marriage without discussing it first. Her hair was a real part of her beauty in my stunted male view of what beauty in a woman means.

To be completely honest I wondered how I would react when the chemo therapy had its inevitable effect and she would be bald. Oh, I knew I would say the right things. I am not that stupid. But how would I react inside? Would it matter more than I cared to admit? And that is when I realized how much God has been working over the years. He has been retooling my thinking and my heart. Patiently. Quietly. Lovingly.

Joni’s hair began to give up while I was on a recent trip. She decided to get the buzz cut while I was gone (again without my consent). So I walked in the door and she, in typical Joni fashion asked, “Want to see my head?” When I did I realized what God has been doing over the years to a shallow and selfish guy. He has been changing me and what I perceive to be beautiful. Because the truth is that Joni is as beautiful to me today as she was with that long, shining hair thirty years ago. That is because I am learning what beauty in a woman really looks like.

Some days are better than others. I am grateful for the days when the sparkle returns to her beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes are the windows to a soul that has more depth than I could ever achieve. She is remarkable. She is my hero. Her faith inspires me. Her smile still lights up the room. I treasure each moment that I can make her laugh. The sound of her laughing is like a symphony to me. I have learned that beauty is so much more than what the world and testosterone ridden young men (or older men) think it is. Beauty is a package. One part physical to be sure. But beauty in the covenant of marriage is also emotional and spiritual.  When I fell in love with Joni I just thought I was marrying a foxy lady. I was really too stupid to know I was marrying a gift from God. The classic description of a Godly woman from Proverbs 31 fits her pretty well.

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life…

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I married an amazing women. Right now she happens to be bald…and so very beautiful.

One thing I hope is true of these humble ramblings is that they are, at the very least, honest. So I will confess that I struggle mightily with “celebrity” books. I remember when my first book was released and I visited a local book emporium. One lonely copy of my brand new baby was buried on a bottom shelf in the back. Featured on a table at the front of the store were dozens of copies of the autobiography of fifteen year old singer Charlotte Church! The title was “Voice of an Angel” and the subtitle included the obvious disclaimer…My life: (So far). Here is some of what she had learned: (so far).

…what I’ve learned is that no experience goes to waste. Life is made up of building blocks. Each block makes way for the next block. Because of this there is something positive to be gained from everything you do. Just be true to yourself and be prepared to work hard.

Next I applied a valuable technique that I learned from radio talk show host Glen Beck. I duct taped my head to keep it from exploding. Is that how Jesus would respond? Probably not. But no matter how personable or talented a fifteen year old might be they have not accumulated enough life experience to write an autobiography. I remember hearing a noted pastor say that you should not write a word until you are forty. Since I was younger at that time I thought he was an out of touch old geezer. Now that I have celebrated thirteen anniversaries of that forty year milestone I can see exactly what he meant. I am just now starting to figure this journey out. Am I a slow learner? Maybe. But the Bible tells us to exalt the grumpy old men in your assembly. 

Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
it is attained by a righteous life.  Prov 16:31  NIV 

That’s what I’m talking about! Of course, gray hair can also be attained by stress, hard living, and bad genetics but I choose the wisdom of Solomon to explain my own graying mane. 

But seriously, what is it with the celebrity worship in this culture? Charlotte Church’s premature autobiography came to mind when I was again perusing the local book vendor. There, staring at me from a large display, was actor/comedian Jim Belushi flexing his bicep with his new book title tattooed across it.

                 Real Men Don’t Apologize 

In the interest of full disclosure I must also confess that I was a bit envious of Belushi’s biceps. If I tattooed a book title across my bicep it would have to be a one word title in small type. Chicago Sun-Times writer Mike Thomas wrote this about Belushi’s philosophy of life.

“Listen, anger is a good friend of mine,” he says by phone from his soon-to-be-vacated Brentwood home, a revamped bungalow bought with money earned from his 1986 big-screen hit (and career springboard) “About Last Night.” “I’ve had many friends,” he continues, candor couched in subtle shtick. “Cigarettes were a very fine friend. I had alcohol — niiiiiice buddy. Anger has always been a friend of mine, so I’m not gonna let him go. I let everything else go.  “[Anger] protects you,” he says. “It’s always protected me. And now my wife says, ‘You don’t need the protection anymore, honey. You can let it all go.’ And you know what I say to her? ‘Letting go’ is the most overused phrase in America ! I don’t want to let it go!’ ” 

And yet that is exactly what the Biblical strategy is concerning anger. Let it go. For example…

But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.  Colossians 3:8

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Eph 4:31 

So should I listen to Saint Paul or should I live my life  “According to Jim”?    Hmmmm….  Here are some other examples of manliness from Belushi’s book. My comments are italicized.  

– Real men don’t apologize for being who they are. Depends on who you are. Some men desperately need to apologize…and now!

– Sometimes you have to earn respect the old-fashioned way — with your fist. Real men understand what respect really is and that it is rarely, if ever, earned with fists.

 – Every man has to have a little bit of Gandhi, Clint Eastwood and Curly in him. I do like that. The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy. Marketing slogan…Meditating while comically smacking others up the side of the head makes my day!

 – Beer does not judge you. Drinking lots of it makes you more sociable and funny. Perhaps the most dangerous statement I have read in a while. I know that Belushi clarifies this a bit by saying he has, for the most part, stopped drinking.  And I know he is going for the joke here. But drinking lots of beer makes some men dangerously violent (not more sociable) and disgustingly vile (not funny). No substance judges you. But you may be judged by the effect those substances have on you. Real men remain in control. 

– Always remember that to a woman, the relationship is more important than you are. How about simply admitting that the relationship is different for women than for most men? I do think that he has demonstrated one truth here. Men would generally rather rationalize than take the time to  understand. Rationalization is sooo much easier. 

– Have a Fortress of Solitude. Find a spot that is yours and yours alone. In your Fortress of Solitude you can be the Knight of Brooding Silence! This is always a big hit with the damsel of the castle, the lovely Lady of the Chilly Response. 

– Don’t be a wuss. So what if you fail? Strength is in the attempt. I would agree with the essence of this one. So what if you do fail? But the strength of a man is in his character. And the source of that strength, for this man, comes from a real man named Jesus. 

My take on the thought that real men don’t apologize? Sorry Jim. I have to respectfully disagree with you. I am sure there are some chuckles in the book and maybe even a gem or two of wisdom. But this is my definition of a real man from a guy who is several light years away from celebrity. 

Real men do apologize. Real men are often wrong and they believe they lose none of their manhood to admit that fact. Real men cry. Real men forgive. Real men stand up for the less advantaged and the disenfranchised. Real men give of themselves. Real men are willing to sacrifice for their family, their country, and their faith. Real men model integrity and the courage to do the right thing even when it hurts them personally.

Real men are hard to find. I have been around a lot of men that the average person considers real men. I have watched rich and talented men in the NBA, MLB, and network television for nearly three decades. But out of all those talented, wealthy, and gifted men I have met the man I most admire is a guy you never heard of and likely never will. His name is Bob. He is a real man. An outstanding coach of young men. A great father. A loyal friend. He is a real man because of how he has loved his wife through a difficult cancer journey. When I used to hear Paul exhort us to love our wives as Christ loved the church I would push back. No way. That isn’t even possible. Then Bob came along and screwed it up for me by doing it and doing it well. Thanks Bob for showing me what a real man looks like. 

And now I have the chance to trust the real God-Man Jesus to help me do that same thing with my wife Joni during our cancer journey. Real men do a lot of things. I think a real man tries to follow the words and example of Jesus. Without apology.