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This is also posted today at Joni’s site called Sharing the Journey.

Joni and I met with the Oncologist yesterday to discuss our strategy for today and the weeks ahead. Our doctor decided to dial back the strength of the chemotherapy a bit to help prevent the kind of blood count problem we encountered last time. After today we have only one more encounter with the chemo drug the nurses call the “red devil”. I have met a new friend through this trial who is also sharing the cancer journey with his wife. His name is Rick Green. Rick is a pastor in Oregon and happens to be a talented artist. He did some sketches to help him deal with the emotional roller coaster of cancer. Here is his take on the “red devil” drug.

I had written a post called “Poison for Healing” after the first round of chemo. I am going to repost that for those who are new arrivers to this site. Thanks for your prayers today and during the weekend.

Poison For Healing?

Therapy has always been a word that generates a good response. Massage therapy and aromatherapy have a nice, relaxing connotation. But I am retiring therapy from my lexicon of positive words after experiencing a round of chemotherapy this past weekend with my wife. Joni and I embarked on the first mile of our marathon stagger to survival. It is hardly a race.

Cancer, we are learning,  is a lot of hanging around hospitals, doctors, and nurses. The old cliche of “hurry up and wait” is the motto for anyone going through the monotony of long term treatment. When Joni was diagnosed with breast cancer in March the reality of that ugly word hit hard. But the reality of the reality settled over us Friday as I watched toxic chemicals drip, drip, drip into my beloved’s bloodstream. An Oklahoma newspaper recently ran a story on the weird logic of using poison for good.

“You’re putting poison into the system to kill those bad cells,” said Andrea Mosteller, a registered nurse who works in the Muskogee Regional Cancer Center. “It takes something that strong to do it.” Chemotherapy, Dr. Ravikumar Vasireddy explains, is a chemical that kills “fast-growing things,” terming it “cytotoxic,” or poisonous to cells. Cancer cells grow rapidly, making chemotherapy an ideal treatment for some types of cancer.

Some people claim to have no faith but you have to have a lot of faith in your doctors to allow them to hook up chemicals that are intended to kill cells, and those drugs can’t discriminate between good and bad cells. If the cell is fast growing it is their mission to hunt down and kill it. So the cells of the hair follicles are casualties alongside, prayerfully, the cancer cells. One of the first chemotherapy drugs was actually a derivative of the fearsome mustard gas used during World War I. Another drug Joni is taking is also used in rat poison. The drug is a both a rodenticide and a medical treatment. Not exactly a Certs commercial…”its a breath mint and a candy mint.” 

I sat at the side of my bride of almost thirty years and watched toxins drip into her bloodstream. These drugs can kill you or cure you. Joni would likely tell you after round one that the cure feels like it is killing you at times. I watched the drip of these toxins that we have chosen to allow with the belief that they will kill any dangerous, fast growing cancer cells before they can wreak havoc elsewhere in her body.

I couldn’t help but think how we Christians too often allow the toxins of sin to drip into our spirit and poison our joy, our relationships, and our influence for the Lord. The late author Lewis Smedes wrote powerfully about forgiveness. He often spoke of how only forgiveness can “release us from the grip of our history.” We cannot change an abusive upbringing. We cannot alter dysfunctional theological training that denied grace. We cannot simply deny the hurts that have been visited upon us and be spiritually free. Only forgiveness can release us from the grip of these real and historical events.”

So everytime you choose not to forgive just picture that drip, drip, drip of spiritual poison coarsing through your spiritual veins. Everytime you choose bitterness over joy listen for the quiet drip, drip, drip of toxicity racing to your heart.

We did not choose cancer. But we have chosen to accept that God is in control and He will somehow use our journey through this valley for His glory. We have chosen to trust the doctors who drip toxins into the body of my wife. I hope that you will not choose to let the toxins of bitterness, lack of forgiveness, pride, jealousy, and lust drip into your soul. Paul recognized the effect that these toxins have on our walk with Jesus.

And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he is the one who has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.  Eph 4  NLT

 The poison of  bitterness, rage, harsh words, and slander target the growing cells of the fruit of the Spirit. You can choose to cut off those toxins before they do their ugly work. And I pray that you will.

 

 

One of my favorite quotes is from humorist/writer PJ O’Rourke who noted this sad truth.

“Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.”

It really can be that easy. Before I proceed I must issue a disclaimer. I am a born-again Christian. So it is with considerable interest and predictable angst that I note daily how Christians are portrayed in the news. Second disclaimer. I realize that media coverage of evangelical Christians is not always on a level playing field. It is quite okay to criticize Christians while tip-toeing around other faiths. But having disclaimed all of that I still get frustrated when we (Christians) shoot ourselves in the foot and blame the gun.

A recent story from my adopted home state is a good example. A ministry in Denton has been distributing million-dollar bills with a gospel message printed on the back. Recently the Feds decided to “raid“ the headquarters to seize the cache of million-dollar tracts. According to the U.S.Secret Service the bills too closely resemble real money.

This is from the story reported by Donna Fielder of the Dallas Morning News. My comments are italicized.

Three agents visited The Great News Network Friday and seized 83 100-count packets of what appear to be $1 million bills totaling $8.3 billion. There is no real $1 million bill, and Great News Net­work founder Darrel Rundus said he doesn’t understand how he could be accused of counterfeiting something that doesn’t exist.

“We’re a group that equips Christians with materials on how to share their faith,” Rundus said Monday from his Great News Network’s world headquarters in Denton. “One way we do it is gospel tracts. That’s what these are — gospel tracts. You’d think the Secret Service would have more to do than raid a Christian ministry.”

I must confess that I have issues with how Mr. Rundus responded to this situation. I am sure he was frustrated. Perhaps the Secret Service overreacted in this case. But his response does not demonstrate a biblical respect for authority. Scripture makes it pretty clear that we are to honor and respect governmental authority . It is not his place to question or mock the priorities of the Secret Service publicly. That comment would be better made privately and to the proper authorities. Paul wrote about the authority that God granted to government in Romans.

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you.  Romans 13  NIV

In a written “official statement,” Mr. Run­dus said the Secret Service was overzealous.

“They violated our constitutional rights by depriving us of property without due process. Without a court order, warrant or any legal precedent, they barged into our office, disrupted our daily activities and illegally seized our property. Is it possible that there is more to this than meets the eye? Is it possible that GNN has been targeted by them and are the object of their harassment not because the bills look real but in fact because of the gospel message on the back?”

Is it also possible that GNN was “targeted“ because these guys were just trying to do their job? To publicly question the motives of civil servants is unfair. We make a big deal about not judging others within our faith. Can we not extend the same grace to these men until the facts are known? How does this insinuation make these agents who are merely following orders feel about the church, and by extension, about Jesus?

The statement solicits prayers and funds from the public to help fight a legal battle over the bills.

The statement is complete with bank card logo icons to click on to donate for the cause.

The fake bills are the same size as U.S. currency. They have the distinctive peach and green coloring of new $20 bills and appear to carry both the Department of Treasury and U.S. Federal Reserve seals. A close look at the Treasury seal, however, reveals the words “Thou shalt not steal.” The back of the bill is similarly authentic. But around the edges of the bill are written admonitions against looking at a woman with lust and other sins and urging repentance.

Rundus said he will continue getting supplies of the tract from Living Waters and keep distributing them.

Why is a representative of the gospel so combative in this situation? Evangelicals are always trumpeting that we must be a nation of laws. Rundel’s organization may well be inadvertently violating federal statutes. A little research found this statement of policy from the Treasury Department.

The Department will henceforth permit the use of photographic or other likenesses of United States and foreign currencies for any purposes, provided the items are reproduced in black and white and are less than three-quarters or greater than one-and-one-half times the size, in linear dimension, of each part of the original item. Furthermore, negatives and plates used in making the likenesses must be destroyed after their use.

The ministry argues that since the million-dollar bill does not exist they are not in violation. But there are enough similarities to real currency for these bills to be in potential violation. Were these bills intended to fool people into thinking it was real money? Of course not. Common sense indicates that no one would try to cash a million-dollar bill. But the rules are clear. You must make the bills look different from real currency either by size or colorization.

To use another line of reasoning. I happen to think that the 30 mile per hour speed limit on an open road near my house is ridiculous. But that is the law. I can choose to go 50 miles per hour as often as I want but I will be ticketed every time a police man spots me. Would that be harassment if I had a fish sticker on the bumper? Nope. That would just be getting caught for breaking the law and a DWS (driving while stupid). No matter how much I believe the limit should be higher I will still be guilty.

At the Good News Network Website Mr.Rundel gave this defense.

Since there is no such thing as a Million Dollar bill in circulation, it is obviously not illegal to create, print and or distribute one. In other words, how do you counterfeit something that doesn’t exist? In fact, you can purchase all the million dollar bills you want from various novelty retailers throughout the US and most of them look far more authentic than the ones, the USSS seized from our Christian ministry. In fact, if you Google the term, “Million Dollar Bill” you we get over 43-million results!

Defending a wrong action because others are doing it more “wrong“ is an embarrassing argument for an organization that is trying to do a good work. I have no doubt that this group is sincere in trying to communicate the gospel message. Back to the speed limit example, if 5,000 people a day speed and don’t get caught on that road it doesn’t make me any less culpable for speeding. The law is clear.

Mark Lowery, special agent in charge of the Dallas district of the U.S. Secret Service, said the Secret Service doesn’t want the public to think that it harasses anyone unnecessarily. “We didn’t seek out this case; it came to us,” Lowery said. “We can’t determine which laws we enforce and which ones we don’t enforce. We’re a very busy agency with a lot of responsibility, and we take what we do very seriously.”

I would like to ask Mr. Lowery’s  and the other agent’s forgiveness for getting thrown under the bus of questionable righteous indignation. I believe you were doing your job. I am sure you don’t like every rule and regulation that you have to enforce but you have no choice but to be obedient. As Christians we have to be obedient as well. And I would suggest this is a clear case of honoring authority and demonstrating the grace and gentleness of our Saviour. If the government says you can’t proclaim the gospel I will join you in the fight. If the government says to just make the tract a little bigger or smaller then you are on your own. That is not persecution. That is merely enforcement of a law that may or may not make much sense. But it is still the law.

Peter reinforced the need for Christians to be respectful of all authority.

Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. I Peter 2 NIV

May I humbly submit to my brothers and sisters at the Good News Network that this is not a chance to glorify God through a victory in court. This is a chance to glorify God by demonstrating His grace and love.

 

 

I am going to post updates about Joni here for awhile as well as at her site. Here is the latest post from Sharing the Journey.

Chemotherapy reminds me of the original Rocky movie. You take a beating, get back up, take a beating, get back up. Rocky had one goal in mind and that was to go the distance. As you got caught up in the drama you wondered how he could keep getting back on his feet and continuing. For Rocky there was no choice.

Adrian: Why do you wanna fight?
Rocky: Because I can’t sing or dance.

As Rocky surmised, sometimes you don’t have many good options. In that movie Rocky fought the invincible Apollo Creed. No fighter had ever gone the distance against him.

Joni is fighting a foe that is also intimidating but not invincible. Many of her sisters have fought and vanquished this foe. It is hard for me to watch her get back up and head to the next round. But we know that each round brings us closer to the finish.

One memorable scene in Rocky occurs before the big fight. After all the fear and preparation were over Adrian and Rocky shared this moment.

Adrian: [just before the big fight] I’ll be here waiting for you.
Rocky: How ’bout I stay here and you fight?

Our roles are reversed. I have to wait and Joni has to fight. I wish we could switch. But for now my role is to be Joni’s corner man in this fight. Round 3 of chemotherapy is this Thursday.

Here are the prayer requests for this round.

• Pray that her blood counts will not drop to dangerous levels
  
• Pray that the side effects will be manageable
  
• Pray for Joni’s encouragement
  
• Pray that I will be a good “corner man“
  
• Pray that we will continue to put our trust in the Great Physician
  
• Pray that we will not “waste this cancer” and that God will be glorified through it

We know that we have a constant source of strength. Paul wrote to Timothy these words. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

Joni is remarkable. She will get back up and re-enter the chemotherapy ring. This is scheduled to be an eight round chemo fight. We look forward to the day when Joni has defeated this fearsome foe. I also look forward to our version of the exchange between Rocky and Apollo Creed. As you recall, Rocky won the fight and inflicted some damage himself. A battered Creed and Rocky have this memorable exchange.

Apollo Creed: Ain’t gonna be no rematch.
Rocky: Don’t want one.

That is the reason for this chemo battle. We are praying that there “ain’t gonna be no rematch.“ Your prayers and love make a difference.  

 

Dictionary.com defines masquerade as one who goes about as if in disguise; to have or put on a deceptive appearance. It is funny that Joni and I never realized we were putting on a bit of a masquerade as we adjusted to her breast cancer. We had no idea that we were donning masks at times. We had no intention of being deceptive. But we have both come to realize that we were sometimes putting on masks as we addressed the trial ahead.

I was trying to be John Wayne and Joni was running around disquised as Wonder Woman. I dig John Wayne. But I am not John Wayne, Pilgrim. It is funny how you think that you have to always be strong and in control as a man. I first was “unmasked” by a friend at work.

“How are you doing?“, my friend Mike asked.
“Fine,“ I replied automatically. (Didn’t he know that John Wayne once said in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence that “Out here a man settles his own problems.” Partner, I don’t need your help!)
“And what is behind the mask?“, he inquired.
“Really, we are doing well,“ I protested. But his question haunted me and later I reflected on his question. Because I knew behind the mask I was not John Wayne. I was more like Don Knotts. Trembling while blustering that I was in control. Behind the mask I related to the lyrics of my oft quoted musical heroes Casting Crowns in their song Voice of Truth.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

My trust in God never wavered but I was too stubborn to admit that I needed the encouragement of the body of Christ in this journey. I need the strength of my brothers and sisters in the faith. I was not and am not John Wayne. When I hid behind the mask I was doomed to bottom out for awhile. And I did.

My wife’s masquerade was different. Joni is much closer to Wonder Woman than I would ever be to John Wayne. But she is still not Wonder Woman. Joni had to remove the mask of independence and self-sufficiency. Joni is a giver and most givers have a hard time receiving. Her responses from behind the mask went something like this.

“What can I do for you, Joni.“
“Nothing. Just pray. We are fine.“
“Can I bring dinner?“
“No, we are fine.“
“Is there anything I can do?“
“Thanks. We are doing okay.“

But chemotherapy slows down even Wonder Woman and Joni has had to learn the lesson that givers sometimes have to receive in the body of Christ. We realized this weekend that we really are doing well as long as we simply play ourselves. God is moving in our lives, encouraging, loving, and teaching us in this valley. When we step out of our comfort zone we are learning to listen to His voice only. Here is the chorus to the song Voice of Truth.

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

And that is our strategy in a nutshell…unmasked. We have chosen to listen to the voice of truth. There is one John Wayne quote that really resonates with me. The Duke once observed that “Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway.” Amen, John. That is true grit and true faith. King David understood the concept of being scared and saddling up anyway.

But when I am afraid,
       I put my trust in you.     
    O God, I praise your word.
       I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?  Psalm 56

Our trust in a God who is worthy gives us the courage to saddle up anyway. We have decided to put away the masks. And that feels really good. Give it a try sometime.
 

 

There are abundant blessings to be found in every trial. One of the surprising blessings for me in our breast cancer journey has been meeting the sisterhood of breast cancer. That is when I first realized that bald is beautiful. These women are everywhere. And they are awesome. They are courageous. They have dignity and strength. One of my favorite t-shirts simply says…

I am a REAL survivor!

Not some weirdo who eats bugs and runs around scheming against one another to win big money. These survivors have looked death in the face and they have not blinked. Part of my early adapting to Joni losing her hair was watching these beautiful women come into the infusion suite at the cancer center. For those of you who have been blessed with never having to learn the terminology the infusion center is a room full of reclining chairs where you come for your chemo cocktail drip. Not exactly my idea of happy hour. But I came to the realization that, amazingly, this was not a depressing place. They arrive wearing scarves, headwraps, turbans, hats, and wigs. But what struck me in the early processing of this disease is that most of these women had discarded the shallow worldly perception of beauty. They had embraced a new beauty. The beauty of dignity and authenticity. Some were sassy with big earrings and bold makeup. Some were elegant. Most were casual.

The veterans quickly realized that Joni and I were chemo rookies. With genuine friendliness and concern they showed us the unfortunate ropes of chemo. You don’t get the horror stories in this room. No examples of people who had “what you have” and suffered terrible side effects. This is a room full of hope and comaraderie. These “princess warriors” are remarkable. They lead by example and by encouragement.

You can do it. I have.
You will make it. I did.
You will want to quit. I wanted to. 
Don’t give in. I didn’t.

I reflected on this sorority of cancer sisters. We felt love. We felt acceptance. Financial status did not matter. Clothing was irrelevant. Careers did not matter. What are you driving? Who gives a rodent’s derriere? Size of house? Could not care less. Advanced degrees? Only mattered if you were above 98.7. Everyone was equally committed to one task. The focus of this room was giving support and comfort to those trying to slay a giant named cancer.

I started to think about how we do church in America. If I asked a large number of people to answer the questions above about their experience at church I would likely be dismayed. Based on the hundreds of emails and responses I get to my books I would suggest that many do not feel loved and accepted. I have personally observed that financial status sometimes does matter. I have been saddened to watch how clothing matters to some as well. Career? I’m afraid so. Advanced degrees? Oh, yeah. Why do these trivial things matter in the church and not in the cancer center? Maybe we have not as clearly identified the enemy in church. In the cancer center we named the place after the enemy. We hate cancer. The sisterhood and their not always so valiant knights are committed to slaying that beast. In the church we seem to forget we have an enemy just as deadly. That enemy is sin. We don’t really hate sin as much as we should, do we? If we hated sin as much as we hate cancer we concentrate on stopping it. And I must remind you that we would attack sin…not the sinner. No one at the cancer center hates the person who has cancer in their body. We hate the cancer. So the concentration is removing the cancer and encouraging the patient to heal. But at church we too often attack the sin and the sinner. I wonder what the recovery rate would be if we reviled patients for getting cancer? I am sure it would be much lower. It was not Joni’s “fault“ that she has cancer. It is just a fact and we are seeking a cure. It is not necessarily your brother and sister’s “fault“ that they are sinful. It is just a fact and they need a cure. Jesus used the medical metaphor beautifully.

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means:  ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice. ‘For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”   Matt 9  NIV

I have read that passage a hundred times. But now it makes so much sense. Maybe we need to rethink our mission in church. And narrow our focus. Because it seems to me that if we can emulate the sisterhood of breast cancer survivors we could start a revival. Because cancer makes you realize what matters. And realizing what Christ did on the Cross should makes us realize what mattered to Him. Hating sin. Not sinners. Jesus clearly loved them. But our mission should be passionately hating sin and helping others conquer it. Do we? If we do then we should all daily head to the spiritual version of the infusion room. Sit down and let the Holy Spirit infuse our heart and spirit. That infusion will kill the sin in you and me so we can encourage and help others to attack sin. The reason is simple. We hate the sin and we love them.

We have established a blog to keep you updated on Joni’s cancer journey. The site is Sharing the Journey. It will be updated whenever there is news to report.

Blessings,

Dave

One of my smart aleck remarks that I use periodically is that “I am not burdened by that whole maturity thing.” There are many times when I go about demonstrating that in real life. But the unwelcome intrusion of “life” into my happy little routine has caused me to evaluate a lot of things. God is teaching and revealing a lot of things to me during our cancer journey.

1. I am clearly a work in progress as a follower of Jesus.
2. He has done a lot of work over the years that I was not aware of until this cancer trial came along.

Last night I had the weird privilege of helping clip off the rest of my bride’s hair that was falling out from the chemotherapy. As I reflected on that moment later I realized that nearly everything I knew about beauty when I was 25 years old was wrong. Like most men I looked for appearance first and then tried to find some good qualities. Joni was a stunningly beautiful woman when I fell in love with her over thirty years ago.  I have often said that I married my trophy wife first and got it over with. I also joke that I married her to deepen my gene pool. And she has done that admirably. One of the ironies of this cancer journey is remembering how much I loved Joni’s long hair in the early years of our relationship. In fact I got upset when she cut it a few years into our marriage without discussing it first. Her hair was a real part of her beauty in my stunted male view of what beauty in a woman means.

To be completely honest I wondered how I would react when the chemo therapy had its inevitable effect and she would be bald. Oh, I knew I would say the right things. I am not that stupid. But how would I react inside? Would it matter more than I cared to admit? And that is when I realized how much God has been working over the years. He has been retooling my thinking and my heart. Patiently. Quietly. Lovingly.

Joni’s hair began to give up while I was on a recent trip. She decided to get the buzz cut while I was gone (again without my consent). So I walked in the door and she, in typical Joni fashion asked, “Want to see my head?” When I did I realized what God has been doing over the years to a shallow and selfish guy. He has been changing me and what I perceive to be beautiful. Because the truth is that Joni is as beautiful to me today as she was with that long, shining hair thirty years ago. That is because I am learning what beauty in a woman really looks like.

Some days are better than others. I am grateful for the days when the sparkle returns to her beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes are the windows to a soul that has more depth than I could ever achieve. She is remarkable. She is my hero. Her faith inspires me. Her smile still lights up the room. I treasure each moment that I can make her laugh. The sound of her laughing is like a symphony to me. I have learned that beauty is so much more than what the world and testosterone ridden young men (or older men) think it is. Beauty is a package. One part physical to be sure. But beauty in the covenant of marriage is also emotional and spiritual.  When I fell in love with Joni I just thought I was marrying a foxy lady. I was really too stupid to know I was marrying a gift from God. The classic description of a Godly woman from Proverbs 31 fits her pretty well.

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life…

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I married an amazing women. Right now she happens to be bald…and so very beautiful.