Blog

Occasionally people will observe our three wonderful sons and ask something like this. “What did you do to parent such great kids?” My response is simple. “I married Joni. The rest is a blur.” There is a little too much truth in that answer. She was and is remarkable. But we did partner in this grand adventure called parenting. Along the way I learned some things mostly by error and stumbling trial. Over the next two days I will share what I have figured out with the disclaimer that I do not claim to be an expert. It is with humility and grateful appreciation to God that He has given me the gift of this family.

One thing I have learned in my journey is that every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is whether that legacy will be good, bad, or indifferent. Being a father is tough because we generally learn how to parent while on the job. From the “I can’t make this stuff up” department I found this article a few years ago about an attempt by a celebrity couple to “prep” for parenthood. They didn’t quite make it to parenthood status but the story is still amusing. Hilary Swank and her then husband Chad Lowe believed they were getting plenty of parental practice before having a child of their own – by looking after a pair of parrots.

The couple, who live in New York City, have faced constant questions throughout their eight-year marriage about when they’ll be ready to start a family. He says, “(Hilary and I) are very eager to have kids, and having parrots is great baby training.

“They need to be fed twice a day, they need love and support, and we teach them their ABCs.”

But I would suggest that the parrots are not a real complete course in parenting. For example…

• Until you have had to walk the floor with a screaming parrot all night long…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until the principal calls you in because your parrot is fighting with the parakeets during recess… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot spits up on your outfit as you are trying to leave the house… you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrots start picking on each other in the back seat of the SUV 30 miles into your 300-mile drive…you still have a lot to learn.
• Until your parrot throws himself on the floor at the supermarket and turns red because you won’t buy Count Chocula cereal…you still have a lot to learn.

Swank and Lowe go on about their parrot training. They repeat everything you say. They love to pick up four-letter words, so you really have to watch it. Luckily, we don’t curse a lot.”

ADD detour…perhaps every church should invest in a parrot for each family. And then they should rotate the parrots every six months. That might kill the gossip virus in the church.

Just took the medication and back on track…Ken Druck and James Simmons in The Secrets Men Keep discuss six major secrets men have. At the top of the list is that “men secretly yearn for their fathers love and approval.” This is often without their conscious knowledge that this yearning manifests itself in the drive that many males have to prove themselves. The authors say:

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers …. Of the hundreds of men I have surveyed over the years, perhaps 90 percent admitted they still had strings leading back to their fathers. In other words, they are still looking to their fathers, even though their fathers may have been dead for years, for approval, acceptance, affection, and understanding.

This series is not about being a perfect dad. If it were, I would be completely unqualified to write it. This series is not about piling guilt on you for mistakes made. I am not looking for the result like the boy who said to his preacher on the way out, “Boy, that was a good sermon. My dad slumped way down today.” This series is seeing what God’s plan is for leaving a positive legacy as an earthly father.

The first way to leave a good legacy is found in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV, Ephesians 5:25) The translation in The Message says this.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

The number one way to leave a great legacy for your children is very simple:

Love your wife.

If you are already 0 for 1…or 0 for 2…hang with me. God is a God of grace and compassion. We will see how He can work even when the ideal is no longer possible in upcoming posts.

The idea of marriage as an absolute commitment is an endangered species. Actor Brad Pitt has confessed he knew his marriage to Jennifer Aniston would never last. He said in a recent interview that he never expected to be wed forever. He described his high-profile breakup as “beautiful.” Pitt seemed frustrated about the public perception… “It’s talked about like it failed. I guess because it wasn’t flawless.” Now comes Pitt’s wisdom about marriage: “Me, I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually. The idea that marriage has to be for all time – that I don’t understand.”

Our culture has devalued marriage to the point where far too many people enter relationships on a trial basis with no expectation that it can last. I will guarantee you one thing…that mindset will make it very likely that it will not last. Had Joni and I shared that value we would be a stat and our children would be from a divided home. Why should followers of Jesus believe that marriage is for all time? A report by Warren Mueller revealed that where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55 percent, but where only the mother attends, just 15 percent of the children remain involved in the church.

Theodore M. Hesburgh wrote that the “most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

Your children watch how you treat their mother. They WATCH … and they are LEARNING and FORMING their concept of marriage from YOU. You are creating a PATTERN, a BLUEPRINT for marriage with your children. I struggled as a husband because I had not seen that blueprint in my parents’ marriage. My Dad was a good dad but my parents did not have a good marriage. Joni and I had to break the cycle because she also came from a difficult family situation. Because we broke the cycle our kids have seen a marriage that survived, and not only survived but is very happy. But we had to do a lot of learning on the job.

Part of my preparation for this series was a survey of my three sons…I know…it makes you want to hum the music and do that thing with the hands and knees they did at the beginning of the show. I asked my sons three questions and not one of them was “What is your quest”.

What were their favorite memories with me?
What did they learn from me as a dad?
And what do they wish I had done differently?

Yeah…that last question scared me for one major reason. My sons are truthful. But I figured if I had done something really wrong in their eyes I wanted to seek forgiveness now. Plus I would have a written document so if they turned up on Dr. Phil someday I can say I gave them a chance and they didn’t say anything. Seriously, I thought the exercise would make them consider how they could be better father someday…how they could break more cycles.

Our oldest son Matt wrote a little extra in his letter:

And thank you for being committed to Mom.  It is a rarity to have a family that is not broken.  But you gave up bigger things to make sure we stayed together and that has made all the difference.

If you are still able to control this one move it to the top of your list. The first step to leaving a good legacy as a dad is to love your wife!

(The latest iPod Devotional)

I have probably been to New York City close to a hundred times. But I still act like a tourist when I walk the streets of Manhattan. I look at people and make eye contact with those I encounter. That makes me weird in a place where weird is the norm

Today on a morning walk in search of Dunkin Donuts coffee I passed a woman who was weeping as she walked down the street. My heart went out to her and I wondered what her pain might be. Did she lose a loved one? A relationship? Did she lose her job? Perhaps she or someone she loves had received a devastating diagnosis. Or maybe she felt hopeless and alone. A mystery women in pain amongst ten million people all with their own problems. I will never know the cause of her tears. But God does.

Just minutes later I noticed a bedraggled old man wedged into the corner of an office building. He held a crudely written sign begging for money as vacant eyes scanned the throngs stepping over him.  I wondered what had gotten him to this place.  I have to tell you that the morning walk was a bit sobering today. Maybe that is why New Yorkers mind their own business. There is so much pain and so many hurting people in this city. You feel helpless in many ways.

I thought about how self-centered and self-absorbed I can become. How I can judge others who are downtrodden or difficult. A song called “The Face of Christ” by Chris Rice came to mind for this week’s iPod Devotional.

How did I find myself in a better place
I can’t look down on the frown on the other guy’s face

‘Cause when I stoop down low, look him square in the eye
I get a funny feeling, I just might be dealing
With the face of Christ

Chris Rice talks about how much of our lot in life is completely out of our control.

See you had no choice which day you would be born
Or the color of your skin, or what planet you’d be on
Would your mind be strong, would your eyes be blue or brown
Whether daddy would be rich, or if momma stuck around at all

If I get a little too full of myself I have a surefire cure. I look in the mirror. What I see there is a man who is capable of nearly everything I get angry about with others. I see a man who has made mistakes that could have led me to a very bad place. Somehow God’s grace has preserved me and I am humbled again that God is patient as I work this out. Regular readers know of my admiration for the group Casting Crowns. The song “Who Am I” comes to mind in this context.

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Take a moment to meditate on that. Then take a moment to meditate on a later verse.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

That God sees my sin and looks on me with love is mind boggling. How can I accept that love and not at least attempt to offer it to others? Because there is not a (Christian cussing warning) dang thing that I have done to deserve mercy like that. Too often I fear that I judge and have judged people who acted poorly because of incredible pain and difficulty in their daily life. The thought that I might add to the song is who am I that I should not extend the grace to others that I have received in spite of who I am? Here is my favorite bridge of the lyric.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

That is the message I hope to spend my remaining days proclaiming. I have hope and freedom and joy. Not because of who I am or what I have done. My hope, freedom and joy are because of Christ. Because of what He did for me. Christ has given me a new identity. I am given His righteousness and I am freed from condemnation, guilt and shame. I wish I would have had the courage to share that with those two hurting souls today.

John wrote about how God’s love should compel us to action.

If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? (1 John 3, NLT)

I used to get a good batch of self-condemnation worked up over verses like that. But I am realizing the power source for that challenge and John writes about it in the next chapter.

We love each other because He loved us first. (1 John 4, NLT)

That is it. We need to accept and trust that love. Living out of that truth gives us the power to love others.

I pray that I will not look down on struggling people and dismiss them for making bad decisions. I pray that I will believe the old saying that “there but for the grace of God go I”. I pray that I will love because I have first been loved. And I pray that I will see the face of Christ.

(From theFish.com)

When the day started I had a completely different direction for this edition of the iPod Devotional. I had discovered a new artist and I was excited to share the artist and the inspiration. The random iPod feature changed that direction entirely this morning. An old hymn that I remembered from my moralistic past cued up. I have a tendency to move past those old songs because they remind me of a graceless congregation that nearly crushed me with rules and hypocritical judgment. I glanced at the screen. Casting Crowns. Hmm…I had a conundrum. I love Casting Crowns. So I decided to listen to the music of my painful past and a song called “Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus”.

I was amazed to discover that I used to sing about the same truths that I am now discovering. The difference is that I did not understand how those truths played out in grace and faith. One of my normal tasks is to research the story behind the song. This is a hymn that came out of heartbreak.

During the summer of 1875 Louisa Stead and her husband decided to enjoy the Long Island beach with their four-year-old daughter. Their family joy was interrupted by the desperate cry of a young boy drowning. Louisa’s husband tried to rescue him but both he and the boy were tragically lost in front of the frantic wife and daughter.

The shocked widow struggled to feed her child as she cried out to the Lord to help. At the end of her rope and resources she opened her door one morning to find that someone had left food and money on her doorstep. That night she sat down and wrote this poem which would become the classic hymn.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

What a powerful message and the words are even more powerful in the context of her loss. Her lyrics echo what I missed during years of frustrating self-effort. Look at the words she chooses to describe her walk with Jesus.

·       Trust

·       Rest

·       Know

·       Take Him at His Word

None of those would have fit into my agenda of spiritual maturity and manly dedication. My words were more along the lines of try harder, study more, work harder and memorize more. None of those were bad things. The problem was my source of power. Me. There is only source of power that works. Jesus. And that power comes out of trust.

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I am finally trusting that Jesus is my only source of strength to cease from sin and self. And I am learning that trusting Him leads to joy, peace, life and rest. The truth has been under my nose since that song hit my ears as a young believer decades ago. But a works theology and wounded heart short circuited that joy and peace. Now I can sing joyfully along with this verse.

I’m so glad I learned to trust him,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Will be with me to the end.

The truth is I would have to sing “I’m so glad I’m learning to trust Him” if I am to be honest with you. I have heard it said that Jesus is unlike any other teacher. At school we always learned the lessons (hopefully) and then we took the test. In faith we generally have the test first and then the Holy Spirit gently teaches us the lesson. That is the story of this amazing hymn. That is my story. It is likely yours as well. Jesus said this to his Apostles before He left them.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” John 14, NLT

There is that trust word again. Paul prayed for the blessed result of trusting Jesus as he wrapped up his letter to the Roman church.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15, NLT)

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. Paul wrote about that grace in Romans.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. (Romans 5, NIV)

We are justified by faith. We stand on His grace. Put your full weight on that grace and remember how sweet it is to trust fully in Jesus.

As Easter approaches I remembered an article in USA Today titled We are Easter People. I think it is worth a second look and here is a portion of the piece written by Diane Cameron.

One of the lowest points in my life occurred years ago when I was living in Washington, D.C., at Easter time. My older sister had recently died and both of my brothers were seriously ill; my best friend was leaving town, and on top of that I was questioning my work. In my journal that April I wrote, “Am I depressed?” When I read those pages now I laugh and shake my head. “Depressed?” That I even had to ask. In that long year I thought I’d never laugh again, just as I thought I’d never again feel love, the joy of easy friendship, or the satisfaction of good work.

I went to church that Easter out of both habit and desperation. I had grown up in a church-going family. It was what we did. And so to honor the family that I was losing I went. Easter after all, is the centerpiece for Christians, honoring and recalling Christ’s triumph over death.

I chose a big downtown church for Easter services — one with hundreds in the congregation — not daring to visit a smaller church where I might have to speak to people or be embarrassed by my own tears. I wanted the paradoxical safety and anonymity of being in a crowd.

The minister that Easter Sunday said many things that I don’t remember, but one sentence has stayed with me all these years. He said, “We live in a Good Friday world.”

That I understood. A Good Friday world is a world full of suffering, questioning, unfairness, trouble, mistakes, hurts, losses and grief. Good Friday in the Christian faith is the day Christians commemorate Christ’s suffering and death on the cross. So that certainly made sense to me at that difficult time in my life.

“But,” he continued, “We are Easter people.” Those words stopped me cold. I was stunned to be reminded that painful morning that there was something other than what I was feeling.

Wow. What an amazing message as we head toward Easter. We do live in a Good Friday world. How easy it is to stop right there,  just short of healing,  not realizing the hope of resurrection. The story of Easter week did not stop on Friday. The hope of this season is all about Sunday. Tony Campolo writes about a life changing sermon he heard in his book It’s Friday but Sunday’s Comin’. (Note to spiritual cyber hall monitors…I know Mr.Campolo is controversial. Just enjoy this illustration, take a deep breath, and move away from the keyboard). Campolo writes about hearing a wise African-American pastor preach about the events of Easter week.

For an hour and a half he preached one line over and over again…”It’s Friday, but Sunday’s comin’!” He started his sermon real softly by saying, “It was Friday; it was Friday and my Jesus was dead on the tree. But that was Friday, and Sunday’s comin’!” One of the Deacons yelled, “Preach, brother, Preach!” It was all the encouragement he needed.

He came on louder as he said, “It was Friday and Mary was cryin’ her eyes out. The disciples were runnin’ in every direction, like sheep without a shepherd, but that was Friday, and Sunday’s comin!”

The preacher kept going. He picked up the volume still more and shouted, “It was Friday. The cynics were lookin’ at the world and sayin’ `As things have been so shall they be. You can’t change anything in this world; you can’t change anything. But those cynics don’t know that it was only Friday. Sunday’s comin’! It was Friday, and on Friday those forces that oppress the poor and make the poor to suffer were in control. But that was Friday! Sunday’s comin’!

It was Friday, and on Friday Pilate thought he had washed his hands of a lot of trouble. The Pharisees were struttin’ around, laughin’ and pokin’ each other in the ribs. They thought they were back in charge of things. But they didn’t know it was only Friday! Sunday’s comin’!

Campolo continues, “He kept on working that one phrase for a half hour, then an hour, then an hour and a quarter, then an hour and a half. Over and over he came at us, “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s comin!” By the time he had come to the end of the message…He had me and everybody else so worked up that I don’t think any of us could have stood it much longer. At the end of his message he just yelled at the top of his lungs, `It’s FRIDAY!’ and all 500 of us in that church yelled back with one accord, `SUNDAY’S COMIN’!”

A lot of people who stumble across this site might be in the middle of what seems to be an interminable Friday. It is hard to accept suffering and illness. Relationships that hurt us make Friday seem like it will never end. The trials of living on a fallen planet will make this seem like a Friday world at times during the journey. Five years ago Joni’s diagnosis of cancer put us into a Friday state of mind. But we trusted that Sunday’s comin’! As we told our wonderful sons, if your faith doesn’t work at times like this it is of little value for the rest of the time. And it does work. We have been blessed with healing for now but we have the greater hope of the resurrection of Jesus as we continue. We trust in a God that has been faithful to strengthen us for the battle, work through us for His glory and teach us to be dependent on Him.

I believe the message of this week. Sunday’s comin’. And I believe that with all of my heart and soul. Paul wrote in Romans…

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”   (Romans 1,  NIV)

I am not ashamed of the Gospel. I fact I am excited about the Gospel. Even though I may be living in a Good Friday world today I am convinced that Sunday’s comin’!

April 15^th is generally not my favorite day of the year. Tax day is never fun for a guy who is organizationally challenged. My idea of being prepared is having everything in one gigantic box. (Bonus points if the lid will close on it) This year I caught a break because of some local holiday in the Nation’s Capital. The day of reckoning is now April 18th. But April 15^th has been redeemed for me because it is a wonderful day for baseball fans.

Jackie Robinson made his major league debut at first base for the Brooklyn Dodgers on this date in 1947. It was a historic and significant day for baseball but maybe more so for our country. You can argue that the American civil rights movement was truly ignited when Robinson came to bat in Dodger Blue. The journey for Robinson was difficult at best and nearly impossible at worst.

Many Dodgers players, mostly Southerners led by Dixie Walker, threatened to walk if forced to play with a black player. That ended when Dodger management let them know in no uncertain terms that they could keep walking all the way to the unemployment line. I often write about the pain that is caused by “bad” or thoughtless Christians. Can you imagine the pain that Robinson felt to have his teammates reject him for only one reason and for a reason over which he had no control?

But one teammate reacted in a way that I wish all serious and thoughtful Christians would emulate. Team captain Pee Wee Reese was an unlikely ally for Robinson. He was born in segregated Louisville, Kentucky, and the odds were that Reese would participate or even lead the boycott against a black player. But the diminutive Pee Wee Reese proved to be a giant of a man one day in Cincinnati. During infield practice the Redleg players were screaming at Jackie with all of the usual hateful epithets. And then the venom was distributed to Reese. They were yelling things at him like “How can you play with this (epithet)?”, as Jackie stood uncomfortably at first base.

“Pee Wee kind of sensed the sort of hopeless, dead feeling in me and came over and stood beside me for a while,” Robinson recalled, as quoted in his biography “Jackie Robinson,” by Arnold Rampersad (Alfred A. Knopf). “He didn’t say a word but he looked over at the chaps who were yelling at me through him and just stared. He was standing by me, I could tell you that.” The hecklers ceased their attack. “I will never forget it,” Robinson said. A silence fell over the Reds dugout and the fans witnessing this amazing act of grace.

At Reese’s funeral, Joe Black, another Major League Baseball black pioneer, said: “Pee Wee helped make my boyhood dream come true to play in the Majors, the World Series. When Pee Wee reached out to Jackie, all of us in the Negro League smiled and said it was the first time that a White guy had accepted us. When I finally got up to Brooklyn, I went to Pee Wee and said, ‘Black people love you. When you touched Jackie, you touched all of us.’ With Pee Wee, it was No. 1 on his uniform and No. 1 in our hearts.”

Robinson later wrote this sentiment to Reese in a book inscription.

“Pee Wee whether you are willing to admit what you being just a great guy meant (a great deal) to my career, I want you to know how much I feel it meant. May I take this opportunity to say a great big thanks and I sincerely hope all things you want in life be yours.”

We need a lot more Pee Wee Reese’s in the body of Christ. We need men and women who are willing to step up for others when it may not be the best action for personal gain. We need men who are brave enough to look hatred and bigotry in the eye and call it by its name. April 15^th was a day that demonstrated the greatness and courage of Jackie Robinson. It also reminds us of how one man did the right thing for his teammate. We need men who have the courage to emulate both Jackie Robinson and Pee Wee Reese in our walk with Jesus. If Pee Wee Reese was willing to risk his reputation for the cause of team and winning a World Series how much more should we be willing to risk for one another to further the cause of Christ? The Apostle Paul had some good advice to accomplish that dream.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. (Gal 6, Msg)

I want to be willing to stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. As I meditate on the gift of grace and redemption I received through Jesus I wonder…how can I do anything else?