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My friend Don Jacobson has begun a new journey of encouragement and hope. His new site is called God Makes Lemonade. You will read stories that seem hopeless or even tragic and then see how God redeems those situations in some amazing way. Joni and I are humbled and touched that Don chose the story of our precious daughter Katie to be the first featured story. I would be honored if you took a moment to read her story.

Regular readers of the humble ramblings know that I started my journey in a legalistic church. We were the Monty Python version of church.

“We are the knights who say….NO!”

We had several volumes of things that were a big NO!

Here is a little legalism sampler.

NO movies.
NO drinking.
NO mixed swimming.
NO television.
NO rock and roll music.
NO smoking.
NO slacks for women.
NO long hair for men.

You get the idea. Not surprisingly it took me a while to figure out grace and freedom in Christ. The irony is that there are a few no’s in the New Testament that we somehow overlooked. For example, here is little “no” verse that would have come in handy.

So now there is NO condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8:1–2 NLT)

That would have been a refreshing mist of grace to our parched flock. Or how about these “no” verses.

This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4, NLT)

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is NO commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12, NLT)

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps NO record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. (1 Corinthians 13, NLT)

“I have been crucified with Christ and I NO longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” (Galatians 2, NLT)

That is a very different “no” list than the one above.

NO condemnation.
NO fear.
NO commandment greater than to love your God and your neighbor.
NO record of wrong doing when you love one another.
NO longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.

I have NO problem living out of that list of no’s. No kidding.

We have been outlining God’s Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan. With this plan you can begin to lose the weight of bitterness and anger caused from lack of forgiveness. If you are carrying around an unforgiving spirit it is weighing you down spiritually and emotionally. I know from sad personal experience. Part one and two set the stage and today we wrap up the list.

Fact 7: Forgiveness is not denial of the hurt.

Pride will often cause us to “not allow the person who hurt us the satisfaction” of knowing we are wounded. That is absurd. Acknowledge the reality of the injury, but make the choice to be healed.

Fact 8: Forgiveness eliminates revenge as an option.

The late author Lewis Smedes makes a brilliant point about revenge. No matter how much we try “we cannot get even; this is the inner fatality of revenge.” When we start trying to get even, we have lost. How many times must I gossip about you to get “even” for the hurt you caused me? When is the scale even? Or do I need to have the scale tip a bit toward me to be satisfied? What a self-defeating pursuit that becomes! And the truth proclaimed by author Josh Billings is “there is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.”

Fact 9: Forgiveness lets go of the need to know why.

Forgiving hurt without explanation is part of the faith-tour contract we signed when we decided to follow Jesus. Author David Stoop notes that, “People choose the Path of Bitterness when they get caught up in trying to understand the reasons for the offense. They think, if only they could understand why the other person did what he or she did, they could get over it and let it go.” I have three words for that approach: does not work.

Fact 10: Forgiveness lets go of the need to be right.

Forgiveness requires humility. We can be 100 percent right about an issue and lose every relationship around us in the process. Or we can be just as right but exercise grace and humility and not leave a trail of battered sheep in the dust.

Fact 11: Forgiveness requires praying blessings on those who have wounded us.

Begin to bless and wish good things for those who hurt us. This may be my least favorite requirement. But Jesus said:
“When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person.” (Luke 6:28, The Message)

I do not like to do this. The last thing I feel like doing is praying for the people who hurt me. But here’s a secret: Praying for our enemies changes our attitude about them. When I was a kid I was a voracious reader of comic books (certainly one factor that explains my intellectual prowess). One of the advertisements that captivated me while reading those volumes was the little ad in the back of the comic book for the Incredible X-Ray Glasses. With these amazing glasses I imagined that I could see through walls. I will confess that not all of my intentions for the glasses were pure. But I was sure that with the X-ray glasses I could see people in a way I never had seen them before. I would suggest that is how forgiveness works. We put on the glasses of gratitude and grace and we see people who hurt us not as the enemy but as weak, fallible, needy people just like us. We see through their outer garments of pride and confusion and see the naked truth of sin. They are people who needed forgiveness (just like me) and perhaps have not reached the point in God’s timing to be able to administer forgiveness (just like me a lot of the time). They are sinners saved by grace…just like me and you. A key component of forgiveness is to not make the other person evil. Most people who inflict hurt are not evil people. They are fallible and fearful people just like me, and to demonize them would have made forgiveness impossible.

Paul wrote in the Book of Romans that we should bless our enemies. The word “bless” can be translated to mean “to speak well of.” Now, Paul understands life in the trenches. He knows that we can smile that tight-lipped smile and say polite things about those who hurt us and be murmuring out the side of our mouth. So he throws the big punch right after the semi-colon.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. (Romans 12:14, The Message)

Blessing our adversaries messes with their minds, so at least we get that satisfaction. As Abe Lincoln sagely asked, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” The Christian paraphrase is: The best way to destroy your enemy is to bless him in prayer. One of my favorite quotes relating to this issue comes from Pastor R. G. Lee. “Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons; but they are helpless against our prayers.”

General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought about a fellow officer. The man in question had been most unkind in his remarks about Lee, yet the general rated him as being “very satisfactory.” The person confronting Lee was astounded. “General,” he chided, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.” “I know,” Lee responded, “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me.” That, my friend, is the grace of God in action.

Fact 12: Forgiveness allows you to be selfish.

Say what? I have heard bitterness described as drinking rat poison and hoping the other person dies. Who wants that? I also appreciate the insight of author Hannah More when she writes, “Forgiveness is the economy of the heart…. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” When we follow the directive of Jesus and forgive, we are free to concentrate on the blessings in your life.

Lewis Smedes wrote powerfully about forgiveness. He often said only forgiveness can “release us from the grip of our history.” We cannot change an abusive upbringing. We cannot alter dysfunctional theological training that denied grace. We cannot simply deny the hurts that have been visited upon us and be spiritually free. Only forgiveness can release us from the grip of these real and historical events. And that forgiveness will drop the weight of bitterness and anger. If you only keep one resolution make forgiveness the one you keep this year.

Yesterday I started discussing God’s Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan. With this plan you can lose the weight of bitterness and anger caused from lack of forgiveness. If you are carrying around an unforgiving spirit it is weighing you down spiritually and emotionally. Part one set the stage. For the next two days we will look at some things I have learned (usually the painful way) about forgiveness.

Fact 1: Our ability to forgive is rooted in the depth of our gratitude.

The foundation of forgiveness is our gratitude for the undeserved forgiveness we have received through Christ. Take some time to meditate about how much you have been forgiven. In the gospel of Luke we read about a sinful woman who washes Jesus feet with her tears and dries them with her hair.

Jesus said, “Impressive, isn’t it? She was forgiven many, many sins, and so she is very, very grateful. If the forgiveness is minimal, the gratitude is minimal.” (Luke 7:47)

Phillip Yancey wrote about how Jesus always demonstrated forgiveness to the hurting. “I can’t help noticing the tenderness with which Jesus treated people with wounds caused by moral failure. A Samaritan woman with five failed marriages, a dishonest tax collector, an adulteress, a prostitute, a disciple who denied Him-all these received from Jesus forgiveness and reinstatement, not the judgment they deserved. Jesus saw in people not what they had been but what they could be, not their past but their future.” Christ has extended the same forgiveness toward us. It is an awesome act of grace that should make us overflow with a gratitude that influences our willingness to forgive others.

Fact 2: Forgiveness is an act of trusting God for justice.

Forgiving is not the same condoning or diminishing an offense. Forgiving a person who has wronged you does not mean they are “off the hook” for any consequences or judgment that may result from their actions. Forgiveness is a personal act of your will that releases the other person from your condemnation. That is all Jesus asks of you; the offender is still responsible to God for the rest. By extending forgiveness you are not saying the offense was insignificant or unimportant. You are saying that you trust God to see that justice is dispensed according to His Holy judgment and timing rather than yours.

Fact 3: Forgiveness does not require amnesia.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. The old “forgive and forget” admonition was one of the biggest barriers I faced in my journey to learn how to forgive. You know the old mental challenge: Try not to picture an elephant in the room. You can’t do it. Instantly the image pops into your mind. The more I tried to be spiritually mature by forgiving and forgetting, the more my offender became an elephant in the room. That person or event was all I could think of. In time, if you entrust your need for justice for God, you will think less and less of the hurt the offense. C. S. Lewis wrote to a friend late in his life. “Dear Mary…Do you know, only a few weeks ago, I realized suddenly that I had at last forgiven the cruel schoolmaster who so darkened my childhood. I had been trying to do it for years.” To try to achieve a state of forgetfulness is to set yourself up for failure and frustration.

I must add, however, that while it is impossible to instantly forget we cannot to use past hurts as hammers against others. A man was complaining about his wife to his buddy. “Whenever we get in a fight she gets historical.” His friend corrected him, “You mean hysterical.” He said, “Nope, historical. She dredges up my past and reminds me of every thing I’ve done wrong in our marriage.” You may not forget the offense, but you can choose not to hold it against that person. Don’t get historical.

Fact 4: Forgiveness does not require reunion.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Certainly it is a worthy goal to have the gift of forgiveness lead to the restoration of a damaged relationship. But it takes two people to reconcile, and you have no control over anyone’s response except your own. Your offender may not respond graciously to your forgiveness. He or she may not be ready to acknowledge their part in the offence, accept forgiveness, or desire to be reconciled. Again, all that is required of you is to extend the grace of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is an overflow of gratitude for how much we have been forgiven. If I put on a mournful face and declare that I will forgive my brother “because someone has to be mature and take the bullet,” well, that is not quite what Jesus had in mind. Puffing myself up with the false humility of martyrdom (e.g., heavy sigh…I guess I have to be the “Christian” here) is not “forgiveness.” That cannot restore me to my brother or to my Lord.

Fact 5: Forgiveness is an act of the will.

It is not a response to feelings. Forgiveness requires choice and faith, just like every miracle. If we decide to wait until we “feel” like forgiving (or worse, wait until the other person makes the first move) we will remain spiritually stuck. We must choose to forgive, and to trust God to eventually change our feelings. The Holy Spirit will reshape our feelings over the course of time.

Fact 6: Forgiveness does not mean you do not acknowledge the offense.

Jesus is not asking us to ignore reality. After all, if we have not been wronged, there is nothing to forgive. He is asking us to acknowledge how much we have been forgiven and to extend the same courtesy to others. Forgiveness is acknowledging the offense without cover-up or excuse and still choosing to forgive.

The rest of the forgiveness thoughts are coming on Part 3 of God’s Weight Loss Plan.