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I got a very kind and challenging response to the recent article about Living the Abundant Marriage. This is the note that arrived on my guestbook page.

I loved your article “Living the Abundant Marriage”. -and I cried because as a couple we could relate to this so much. My husband read it and he liked it but his response was: How? Communication in this area seems blocked for us though we have tried hard to communicate, it appears. What would the answer be…

First of all I have to tell you I related to the husband’s monosyllabic response. How? That’s a typical guy response. Let’s cut to the chase here blog boy. Nice words but how does that work?

My second response was one of bemused amazement. Me giving marital advice feels a little bit like a mule explaining to a thoroughbred how to win the Kentucky Derby. So I have to be honest and tell you I have no pat answer with seven steps and a workbook. I can only tell you what God is teaching me.

One word in your note hit me where I lived for so many years. Tried. I tried so hard for so long. I tried this book and that study and this program. I tried early morning quiet times and forced Bible reading programs. I tried everything that came along. There is nothing wrong with any of the stuff I tried. The problem was it was all me trying to be more godly using the same approach I used at work. Work hard and be creative and God will be impressed. He wasn’t.

When I was tired of trying God brought the TrueFaced seminar into our life and we learned a workable, practical theology of grace and identity in Christ. I don’t mean to put these guys on a pedestal. They may be nearly as dysfunctional as your humble blogger. But God has given these men some insights into the kind of problem that you are describing that is simply astounding. They taught me how to stop trying and how to start allowing God to love me. Joni and I just finished going through the TrueFaced book with two other couples. God used the wisdom of this book to change everyone of us in significant ways.

One husband wrote this to me.

(This study) has drawn out of me a desire, no, an ability, to be myself.  Removing many masks, I now feel more whole…more and less vulnerable, but much stronger…thank you!

Good buddy Earl knows me and still took a chance that I might be right on this one. He started going through the study with his group. Here is what he wrote.

Youngest son Brett suggested that I read The Last Lecture. The book came from the notoriety gained when Professor Randy Pausch literally delivered his last lecture at Carnegie Mellon because he knew he was soon going to die. The lecture became one of the most viewed items on the internet. I finished the book on July 25^th and then found this item in the next day’s news.

Randy Pausch, a prominent computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University who became an instant sensation far beyond the classroom last year when he delivered his inspiring “Last Lecture,” knowing he had only months to live, died July 25 at his home in Chesapeake, Va. He was 47.

That was a little weird. The book and the lecture on YouTube is inspirational and thought provoking. Pausch’s response to a terrible disease was remarkable. Here is just one little tidbit from the book and lecture.

“We can’t change the cards we’re dealt, just how we play the hand. If I’m not as depressed as you think I should be, I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

Because of Joni’s recent battle with breast cancer this story was especially poignant. We have had to face our mortality in very real ways. I began to think about what my last message might be if I found myself in Randy Pausch’s situation. I read the obituaries everyday and it often makes me sad to see a life with nothing of value to report. Some obits are not much more than “Fred was a carbon based life form for 67 years”. I hope that most of the people who stumble to this site want to leave a little more behind than that.

I suspect I would plow much of the same ground as Randy. Have fun. Relax about the things that don’t really matter. Live fully in the moment. If I had to condense five decades and change down to a last message I think the outline might look something like this.

Love your wife.

Most of us repeated something like this on our wedding day.

I, (Guy in Hideous Tux), take you (What Were You Thinking Beautiful Bride), to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

One of my last messages to young men and women would be to take those vows seriously. The word cherish is a word that guys don’t use much but it is one we should look up and learn the meaning. Dictionary.com defines it simply. To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear. I wish I had cherished my wife more consistently over the years. I do plan to finish strong.

Love your children.

I would tell parents to love their children for who they are and not what you had hoped to produce. Affirm them with love for who they actually are and the gifts God gave them. I hate disingenuous praise. Every child is gifted in some areas and not so much in others. Tell them how they are special. Tell them when you are proud of them. Tell them you love them. Let them be kids now and then. Let them get dirty and break things once in a while. It’s okay. They are kids. It is no reflection on you that they are not perfect.

Love your friends.

I would want my last message to encourage people to make friends and not just acquaintances. When I see people who don’t have a good friend I feel really sad for them. A person with good friends is never poor. Solomon knew that a real friend loves you no matter what happens. He wrote these words in Proverbs. There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Love your life.

Sure life is hard. For some life is really hard. But we do have a choice in how we play the cards dealt to us. Read stories about those who play their difficult life cards well. And pray for the strength to choose that strategy.

Love to laugh.

Everyone who knows me at all knows that I love to laugh and enjoy my time on the planet. I have adopted the philosophy that if an embarrassing moment is going to be funny in a year you might as well start laughing today. Learn to laugh at yourself. Laugh with your spouse and your kids and your friends. Laugh often and long.

Love to serve and give.

The happiest people I know are those who give their lives away. It is so counter-intuitive to the messages we are bombarded with every day. I would probably work in a little bit from Philippians 2, Colossians 3 and Romans 12.

Love grace.

I probably wouldn’t go off and die without putting in a plug for my guys at TrueFaced. Their treatment of grace changed my understanding and God used them to change my life. Here is a sample.  In the room of grace,  we grow up and mature into something that is already true about us: (we are) godly. God is not interested in changing the Christian. He already has…God wants us to believe that He has already changed us so that He can get on with the process of maturing us.

Love today.

I think Satan’s strategy is devastating simple and effective. Cause us to live in regret of the past and fear of the future and that will rob us of the joy of today. Find something to love in each day. It could be the day before your life summary in the obituaries. Who knows?

Love learning.

I had some bad teaching in my early journey with Jesus but I have never stopped learning and pursuing the truth and what it means to be a disciple of Christ. I love to learn. About God, about life, about everything.

Love Jesus.

I talked to a friend of mine whose son just returned from a youth mission trip to Costa Rica. His main takeway was this observation.

“Dad, they aren’t like Christians in American. They really love Jesus.” I know that many people really love Jesus in this country. But what he saw was unashamed, authentic and complete devotion to Christ. It is often too easy not to live that life in this blessed land. Really love Jesus. Most of us are content with a Savior. Jesus wants to be Lord in our lives. The difference is profound in how we travel our Christian journey. Learn who you are in Christ. Forgiven. A saint with no comdemnation who is adored by God. Trust Jesus to be Lord. God is trustworthy. That is true and I have experienced it. I think that would be the last point of my last message. 

July 31^st is Mutt’s Day. I am a big fan of the phony baloney holiday. For example, your humble rambler has done the work of researching a special holiday for every day of the first week of August.

August 1^st –  Your choice. Homemade Pie Day or Respect for Parent’s Day.
August 2^nd – National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
August 3^rd – I know I should choose International Forgiveness Day but it is far easier to go with National Waffle Day.
August 4^th – National Mustard Day
August 5^th – I rejected Work Like a Dog Day because I am currently looking at my dog Hannah laying on her back with every leg going in a different direction.

If the holiday was live like my dog lives I would celebrate that instead. So I offer National Failures Day as a way to help you feel better about yourself.
August 6^th – Big day. You can choose Friendship Day. If you want to put a real damper on Friendship Day you can celebrate National Gossip Day instead. Or you can default to National Wiggle Your Toes Day. 
August 7^th – Beach Party Day

There you have it. Seven days of revelry to start your month. This all started when I got the email informing me that July 31^st is Mutt’s Day. We have one of those creatures so I thought a little update on our rescued mutt might be timely.

A little background is in order for those who are not regular readers of these humble ramblings. I have written a couple of blogs about dogs. I realized the amazing connections we have with our canine partners after a tongue in cheek piece about the Canine School of Evangelism became one of the most read articles in the brief history of this blog. A follow up dog story about the Touch of the Master was also well received by readers. It reaffirmed what I have been saying for years. I need to combine my dog stories with other Christian best sellers in order to get enough book sales to retire. So I have begun work today on “Your Best Life for Purpose Driven Dogs Who are Left Behind in Jabez.” Finally I will get some shelf space at the local Christian chain store! (Note to spiritual hall monitors: I am joking. I don’t write Christian books to generate income to retire. However, I wouldn’t mind getting enough to pay Baylor University tuition).

The story of our mutt started innocently enough with a phone call from youngest son, Baylor student and dog lover Brett. He had spotted three abandoned puppies along the side of the road and he stopped to try and help them. Two ran off but he managed to round up one of them. Brett called to let me know that he intended to bathe, feed, care for the dog and then take him to the Humane Society on Monday for adoption. I knew I was in trouble when Brett decided to let me know what his rescued puppy looked like. This arrived via cell phone messaging.

I called the lovely Mrs.Burchett. “He is working me,” I told her. “He is falling in love with this dog.” On Sunday I was driving through Waco and I stopped to see Brett and his alleged short term friend. The way this puppy followed Brett around and looked at him was astounding. He appeared to sense that Brett was, for him, the canine version of Amazing Grace. That dog seemed to understand that he once was lost and now was found. Maybe if we remembered our dramatic rescue along the side of the road to destruction we might gaze at our Rescuer more consistently with such a look of adoration.

But now we had a bigger problem. I also started falling in love with this improbable mutt. I laughed with Joni and we concluded that our family dog population had just increased. Brett was scheduled to take “Trigger” to the vet for shots and a checkup on Monday since the Humane Society was no longer on the radar. On Monday another phone call came. Trigger had become violently ill overnight. The scourge of all abandoned puppies seemed to have attacked this sweet little ragamuffin mutt. Trigger had contracted the parvovirus. Brett’s words were heartbreaking in their honesty and love.

“Dad, I don’t think he is going to make it. But at least he knew he was loved for a few days.”

Okay. I cried at Old Yeller. I am a soft touch. But that remark from my youngest touched my heart and made me think that this is a microcosm of ministry. Sometimes it is heartbreaking. The results don’t always match our desires. But if we can love the down and out like Jesus at least they know they have been loved and they will know the source of that love.

For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ 
“Then these righteous ones will reply, `Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?’ And the King will tell them, `I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ (Matt 25, NLT)

The results are not guaranteed when you minister to the least of these. But when we do minister to the least of these we show them the very face of Jesus.

This one had a happy ending. Trigger was in the hospital for 12 days of intravenous feeding and medication. I earned hundreds of miles on my credit card thanks to Trigger. Now Trigger is a rambunctious and deliriously happy young adult.

We are dog sitting him while Brett is off for a summer internship. Trig and I combined to send a little gift to his friend and rescuer.

Trigger is doing great. And he still knows that he is loved.

If you missed the last edition of the humble ramblings allow me to bring you up to date. One of Job’s buddies gave us a seminar on how not to treat a friend going through a difficult season. Today we have another lesson. Our first guest is Zophar from Naamath. And, waiting backstage to confront his friends is the star of the book, Job himself. 

Let’s welcome Zophar from Naamath:

Job, do you think you can carry on like this and we’ll say nothing?

(Pretty sure Job was thinking that ain’t likely to happen). 

That we’ll let you rail and mock and not step in? You claim, “My doctrine is sound and my conduct impeccable.’  How I wish God would give you a piece of his mind, tell you what’s what! I wish he’d show you how wisdom looks from the inside,  for true wisdom is mostly “inside.’  But you can be sure of this,  you haven’t gotten half of what you deserve. (Job 11:3-6, MsgB) 

Application: Can you imagine what Job must have thought with this line of thought? He had lost everything including his health. What more could possibly go wrong? Death, as Job repeatedly noted, would be blessed relief from his plight. Leave the judgment robes at home when you speak to those who are going through trials. The goal of a good friend  is to engage, listen, comfort and restore. It is worth noting that the first round of “help” from his friends generated this cynical response from Job.
 
“I’m sure you speak for all the experts, and when you die there’ll be no one left to tell us how to live. 

Haven’t you been there? Listening in disbelief and even anger to the person who has it all figured out. Observation from your resident Bad Christian: About 90 % of the time these armchair experts have not experienced anything resembling what you are going through. I must make a note to thank Job someday for bringing into scripture the ministry of sarcasm. But I digress. Back to his comments.

But don’t forget that I also have a brain-I don’t intend to play second fiddle to you. It doesn’t take an expert to know these things. “I’m ridiculed by my friends: ‘So that’s the man who had conversations with God!’  Ridiculed without mercy: ‘Look at the man who never did wrong!’  It’s easy for the well-to-do to point their fingers in blame,  for the well-fixed to pour scorn on the strugglers. (Job 12:2-5, The Message) 

Application from Job. There is much to learn about approaching those who are hurting from Job’s words. His friend’s judgments and neatly wrapped solutions only added to his hurt. It is indeed easy to offer reasons when someone else is going through hurt and difficulties. I pray that we will show grace to the wounded. First, because they need it but more selfishly because we soon may need that very grace returned.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. (Galations 6, The Message)

 Job has more to offer about the ineffectiveness of his friends.

“I’ve had all I can take of your talk. What a bunch of miserable comforters! (Job 16:2, The Message) 

Application: It would seem rather obvious that Job was looking for comfort and not theological insight and debate from his friends. He had already decided to hold steadfast to God. He just needed his friends to come along side and walk with him through difficult times. It is an interesting twist because Scripture records that the original mission for his friends was to do exactly what Job needed from them.

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  (Job 2, NIV)

How could such a noble mission veer so far off target? The Church Lady would say, “Could it be?”  (echo)  “Satan?”  I don’t mean to completely throw Job’s friends under the Ox Cart. I am sure their heart’s desire was to help Job. This story is in God’s Word for a reason. This is an important lesson for those of us who are hurt or offended by friends. Job’s friends sacrificially left their homes and traveled to be helpful and comforting. They just blew it. And sometimes you and I do as well.

In addition to the less than helpful input from his pals, Job had  a memorable and uncomfortable exchange with the lovely Mrs. Job.

His wife said, “Still holding on to your precious integrity, are you? Curse God and be done with it!” He told her, “You’re talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God-why not also the bad days?” Not once through all this did Job sin. He said nothing against God. (Job 2:9-10, The Message) 

I am pretty sure that I would have addressed Joni a bit differently. Uhhh…make that I am positive I would have addressed that differently.  Job’s insights to his wife are valuable. His technique of communication might have later led to counseling or an appearance on the Rabbi Phil Show. Nonetheless, through all of his trials he did not turn on God although (and this is important) he was extremely candid with God in his conversations. I think that we fear being honest with Him as if God doesn’t already know our feelings. Jesus Himself questioned what He was about to endure in His gut wrenching prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. But He finished by saying, “Not my will but yours be done.”
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Another role of a good friend is to encourage that honest, gut-level communication with God. That can be a key to beginning the healing process. One of the things that I have found out through my writing is how valuable it is to write and see your feelings and frustrations on paper. If you thought When Bad Christians Happen to Good People was a bit edgy you should have seen the first draft! Some of the feelings that poured out as I wrote were anything but edifying and exposed emotions and issues that I needed to address with God and not some innocent person accidentally buying my book. It was quite helpful (and a bit unsettling) to see those things on paper. It was instrumental in allowing me to deal with them.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit may direct you to speak hard truth. But make sure it is surrounded with grace and affirmation. And make sure you understand as much as you can about what your friend is going through. And don’t say you understand if have not been through something very similar. You don’t.

Often after you provide the ministry of listening a wounded friend will give you permission to offer insights. But Job’s friends did what is so easy for any of us to do. Offer solutions instead of protective love and support. All of us have done that at one time or another. I am grateful for the lessons from Job and from his friends. I just pray that I can learn them.

For the most part I have learned to roll with the responses to my blogs and books. But I have to admit that some responses bug me. Recently I wrote an article on the Five Stages of Church Woundedness. The post was in response to correspondences with a pastor friend but the gist of the article was intensely personal. I dialed up Crosswalk and read this response from a reader.

Do not assume that someone going through trials is at fault for their difficulties. And do not assume that they are not at fault. Allow God to handle both of those duties. Eliphaz proclaimed that it was his “observation” that you reap what you sow. That is a principle that is often true but we know from God’s Word that Job’s trials were unrelated to sin or evil in his life. Eliphaz jumped to an incorrect and hurtful conclusion before knowing the facts. Listen first. Allow wounded and hurting friends to express their frustration and pain. This goes against every natural instinct that most of us possess. I am prone to want to jump in and fix the problem. God is teaching me to listen, pray and allow the Holy Spirit to direct my words and actions.

When you are with a brother or sister going through deep trials  I would suggest using any one of the following three strategies.

1. Be empathetic and listen.
2. Be empathetic and listen.
3. Be empathetic and listen.

I devised this strategy specifically for me because my previous program consisted of only one step.

1. Loosely hear a few sentences and then impatiently solve their problem with some vaguely appropriate verses while dramatically sharing my own personal story that far exceeds their puny little problem.

I can assure you that the results of that strategy were not stellar. In my defense, the three step plan above takes a lot more caring and work. 

 The next lesson from Eliphaz…

“So, what a blessing when God steps in and corrects you! Job 5:17 (MsgB) 

I am pretty sure that Job was not quite at the “I’m thinkin’ what a blessing this is” phase of his ordeal. While he remained stubbornly faithful to the Lord and did not sin against Him, Job was angry, frustrated, bitter, bewildered and downcast about all the anguish he was going through. In other words, Job was human. His trust in God was supernatural, his roller coaster ride of emotions was normal.

The truth that God can use every circumstance for ultimate good is a foundational promise of our faith. However, it is often difficult if not impossible to understand that truth during the turbulence of the trial. When I fly I know intellectually that those big bumps and shudders are caused by disturbances in the air and I will surely survive it. But realistically I just want to get through the turbulence and back to smooth air. Then I can intellectually consider the aerodynamics of clear air turbulence. So it is with the turbulence of life.

Focus on being empathetic. You don’t need to offer answers and try to explain things that are often without explanation. Back to the question in the response to my article.

What’s the alternative to preaching grace anyway?

That is easy. Living it.

(No time to write today. Please enjoy a low mileage previously posted article)

Dear friends Nelson and Suzie deserted us to go live in the Texas Hill Country. We tried to lure them back with Biblical admonitions.

 “You have made your way around this hill country long enough; now turn north.”  Deuteronomy 2:3

But they have ignored our wisdom and have settled in the rolling hills between Austin and San Antonio. One of our friend’s challenges of country living was making sure that their dog Pepper would not wander away. Pepper is about 10 pounds of pure attitude. 

He needed to be safely restrained from animals that were not intimidated by blustering small packages. So Nelson installed an underground fence to keep Pepper at bay. For those who don’t know about this innovation, underground fencing is a wired perimeter with a radio antenna. When the dog approaches the wired boundary it sends out a signal that activates a battery in the dog’s collar. The battery causes a shock similar to static electricity, and the dog backs off. The field of radio waves can be adjusted so that the dog does not get too close to the edge of the property before hearing the warning tone.

The collars have settings from 1 to 6 with the highest being a pretty good little shock. Pepper sailed through the restraining area when his collar was set on 2. So Nelson decided to skip right by setting 3 and go directly to 4. He reported that the new dance that Pepper invented demonstrated that four might be a tad high and the optimal setting became 3. But there is an interesting aspect to the “invisible fence”. (Invisible Fence is a trademarked brand name developed by Richard Peck in the mid-70’s and they are still a leader manufacturer of the systems).

The dog remembers what happened the last time they went near the boundary so they don’t even try. Some owners report that they take off the collar and the dog remains unwilling to risk leaving the yard because of that “shocking” memory. It occurred to me that Satan operates a lot like that in the lives of Christians. Once we have been shocked by a bad experience with a bad Christian or jolted by a relationship gone bad we remember the pain. And we are restrained by that invisible fence of what might happen if we try again. We read God’s Word and we know (intellectually) that we need to cross that boundary to repair those relationships or to try again with other folks.

But here is what happens with me. I remember the pain. I am afraid that if I approach that person again I might get hurt all over again. Who knows…maybe they will turn their pain setting up a notch or two and it will only hurt more. I start believing that if I cross the boundary to to risk a new relationship I will just get shocked one more time. Why should I even try? 

But the reality is that God has given me the Holy Spirit and He can gently remove the collar of bondage we choose to wear. I have come to realize that it is a choice I make. That collar of fear has no power to hurt or restrain me. I only think it does. And I remain constrained and defeated by an invisible fence that Satan has constructed. Paul exhorted the church in Rome to dare to be different. Take chances. Love and serve one another. And if someone does hurt you the justice belongs, not to you or me, but to God.

Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy in your work, but serve the Lord enthusiastically. Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful. When God’s children are in need, be the one to help them out. And get into the habit of inviting guests home for dinner or, if they need lodging, for the night. If people persecute you because you are a Christian, don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t try to act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written,   

Don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.  (Romans 12, NLT)

Paul was a smart guy. He knew human nature. He knew this wasn’t an easy assignment. But he believed it was possible and so do I. Living in real community with this flawed assembly of fellow travelers is hard. It is messy. I have spent too many sad days restrained by the invisible fence of fear that I will be hurt again. I decided to take the risk and try again. If I get zapped again that is the risk I have chosen to take. But I suspect the barrier is in my mind and God will clear the way if I move in obedience and trust.

I would wager most of you have an invisible fence or two in your life. Can you trust Jesus enough to venture out in faith to conquer whatever is keeping you restrained in your spirit? Don’t allow it to hinder your joy or your influence for the Lord. What’s in for you and me?

 Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. (I Cor 3, NLT)

The Spirit of the Lord does not desire for us to be fenced in by the bondage of fear and by invisible fences that keep us from reaching the places God wants to go. To quote the late Ronald Reagan…”Tear down that fence!”

How did the stages play out for me? I will give the secular example followed by the spiritual parallel.

Spiritual – “How could a Christian do something like this? How can they read the Bible, hear teaching, go to Bible studies and then act like this? I don’t understand how this is happening!”