Charisa Stories

Tag: community

  • “Trash Talking” in Community.

    “Trash Talking” in Community.

    Last week we moved out of the house that our family had called home for thirty years. We experienced a lot of love, laughter, and memories in that house. There was also a lot stuff. Tons and tons of stuff. My amazing wife Joni organized a multi-week campaign leading up to the move to decide what needed to be sold, donated, re-homed, or trashed. It was a daunting task.

    Last Wednesday marked the final day of Operation Downsize as we finished cleanup at the old house and moved a few things to temporary housing. Several people from our church small group came to help us finish up. At our home church, Waterbrook Bible Fellowship, we call these groups “Home Teams”. We wrapped up some final packing and loaded a few fragile items into friend’s vehicles to be transported.

    But one embarrassing problem remained. The trash overflowed the capacity of our trash container. The solution was surprising. Several of our friends volunteered to take a bag of trash home with them to dispose of.

    Later Joni commented about the day. “Our Home Team is amazing. They even took our trash.”

    My first thought was this was a very practical metaphor for what community should be. We all wish that we had people who would be willing to take on the “trash” in our lives willingly and without judgment. My friend John Lynch has a saying I have quoted so much I should pay him residuals.

    ““What if there was a place so safe that the worst of me could be known, and I would discover that I would not be loved less, but more In the telling of it?”

    Or to use our moving metaphor “what if there were a few people who knew I had more trash in my life than I could handle, but they were not disgusted or repelled but moved to take on that trash and help me get rid of it.”

    That is a room of grace where there is no condemnation. Joni and I have been a part of three different small groups that were transformational. They all had the following characteristics.

    1. Leave your politics on the porch. Most of us have strong convictions about political issues but these gatherings are about Jesus and how He relates to our journey together. Jesus spent zero time on politics except to tell the Pharisees to give Caesar his tax money.
    2. Make your gathering a safe place. Nothing shuts down trust more that sharing private things without permission. We make a rule that nothing is shared outside of our meeting without permission. That includes the sneaky Christian way of gossiping by sharing “prayer requests” out of “concern” for others. Get permission. Building that trust will help amazing things to happen.
    3. Learn each other’s stories. We make it a point to find out the life and spiritual journey each member of our group has taken. Hearing what a person has gone through in life will often change your heart attitude from judgment to deep admiration for their courage and resilience.

    God knows that we need others to make it through this often difficult journey. Scripture is full of exhortations about caring for and loving one another. Here are a couple of my favorites.

    Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25, NLT

    Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Colossians 3:13-15, NLT

    This passage in 1st John summarizes the why for living in community and loving others. We do it because Jesus first loved, served, and sacrificed for us.

    God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

    Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. 1 John 4:9-11, NLT

    All of us have excess trash in our lives. A lot of us are not quiet sure what to do with it. If we trust Jesus and others to help us with that trash you will find joy and liberty that you cannot imagine.

  • Lean On Me

    Lean On Me

    Life happens, John Lennon famously said, when you are making other plans. Boy has life been happening to us in recent weeks!


    Waterbrook Bible Fellowship chose the Monday musing topic today. Sunday’s streaming service ended with the song “Lean On Me”. The lyrics might not be found in a dusty old hymnal but the words sung by Bill Withers are spot on for this season.

    Sometimes in our lives
    We all have pain
    We all have sorrow

    Lean on me, when you’re not strong
    And I’ll be your friend
    I’ll help you carry on

    I write a lot about grace in community. Some say too much. To be honest, I have had moments when I wondered if living in community with messy people is worth it. I have come to understand why legalism is so much easier than grace. Legalism allows me to assess the situation and then apply a verse, assign a task and move away in self-righteous expectation. If that person rejects that Biblical admonition or task then legalism allows me to withdraw because they are disobedient. Grace does not give me that option. Grace demands that I move toward the struggle of my brother or sister and not away in judgment. No wonder grace is a tough sell.

    That is the glorious dichotomy of grace. Grace wears me out and lifts me up. Grace frustrates and exhilarates.  My old nature screams that people who make bad decisions over and over get what they “deserve”. They don’t “deserve” to be pursued and loved and restored. They made their bed now let them lay in it. But there is a small quiet voice in my heart that tells me that they have value. That they are loved by their Creator. And that voice asks who am I to decide who “deserves” anything?

    A quote by Pastor Paul Donnan says it far better than I ever could.

    Grace doesn’t treat us better than we deserve. It treats us without the slightest reference to what we deserve. Grace ceases to be grace if God withdraws it upon any human failure. If Grace is in any way tied to something you do, then it is no longer a gift but a wage, and that’s not grace.

    And, to be selfish, the lyrics of Bill Withers tells me why it is in my own best interest to give grace willingly.

    I’ll help you carry on
    For it won’t be long
    Till I’m gonna need
    Somebody to lean on

    Yep. It is just a matter of time until I will be begging for grace for some stupid action or word. Paul knew that was true and reminded the Galatian Church.

    Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. (Galatians 6, The Message)

    Why are we so willing to receive grace and not extend it? Maybe the next lyric has a clue.

    Please swallow your pride
    If I have things you need to borrow
    For no one can fill those of your needs
    That you won’t let show

    Pride. Pride causes us to cover our needs because that would show weakness. Pride tells us to wear a mask of false joy so that others won’t know our shame and sin and need. Our Father in Heaven designed this journey to be lived in community. God knows that we need Him and we need one another. So drop the mask of false joy for the approved mask of virus prevention and sing along in muffled harmony.

    We all need somebody to lean on
    I just might have a problem
    That you’ll understand

    We all need somebody to lean on

    Yes it is hard to walk with the wounded. Yes it is frustrating to watch messy people make the same mistakes over and over. Yes it is tiring to give grace to the needy. But my heart’s desire remains the same. These words in Hebrews wrap it up nicely.

    And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God. (Hebrews 13:16)

    Do the right thing. Help those in need. Pleasing God.

    We all need one another and especially now. Love God this week by being kind to some of His children.

    Want to be more connected to God and one another. Click here.

  • The Redwood Forest Holds a Key to Community

    The Redwood Forest Holds a Key to Community

    My home church challenged me (and I suppose the rest of the congregation) with a thought provoking theme for 2020.

    Life On Purpose

    Pastor Jeff Denton and the staff at Waterbrook Bible Fellowship will be emphasizing being intentional about the important things in our lives. Real growth in relationships, faith, and maturity usually doesn’t just happen. My default is to go with the flow and the rationalizations for that are frighteningly easy.

    “Officer, I didn’t mean to speed and break the law. I was just going with the flow of traffic.” Think about that. My defense is that everybody else is breaking the law. Therefore, I am innocent.

    Since the Garden if Eden the automatic answer to sin and shortcomings is that it is someone else’s fault. That may be true at times. But that thinking will never result in becoming like Jesus. So I have to be intentional about confronting my own heart. Change is hard. Sharing my need to change with others is even harder.

    Several years ago I took the risk to trust three men with everything about me. We call ourselves the Redwood Brothers based on a unique characteristic of California’s redwood trees. A redwood alone in a forest might look magnificent but the first strong wind could destroy it. You see, the coastal redwoods have shallow root systems and cannot survive a storm alone. Their roots extend over one hundred feet from the base but just broadening the root base is not what makes these beautiful trees capable of surviving the worst storms. They stand strong by intertwining their roots with the roots of other redwoods. The winds are now taking on an entire stand of trees and not a single redwood. No matter how majestic those trees might appear God designed them to need other trees to survive the storms.

    That is exactly how we are designed. That describes the relationship I have forged with the three other men who gather every year to share weaknesses, fears, and frustrations. We are men who desire to follow Christ faithfully and love our wives and families well. Yet we, too, can have shallow root systems, and we need the strength of one another as we go through strong winds and floods together. Sharing our imperfect journeys in a safe space has resulted in remarkable breakthroughs. We have experienced what my friend John Lynch wrote about in The Cure.

    “What if there was a place so safe that the worst of me could be known, and I would discover that I would not be loved less, but more In the telling of it?”

    Dropping the pretense and engaging in real conversation about the difficulties of this journey with other honest wayfarers is a real way to become more like Jesus.

    The need for church community is clear. But it’s even more important to look at what Jesus modeled. Jesus knew hundreds of people. He traveled with dozens. He sent out seventy. He discipled twelve. And He invested deeply in three. Jesus’ inner circle consisted of Peter, James, and John. He confided in these three men on a deeper and more profound level than any of the other disciples. I’ve found the same results in my own life. My greatest growth has taken place since I risked trusting a small group of men.

    Legendary professor Howard Hendricks of Dallas Theological Seminary says that every man needs three different types of individuals in his life: a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy. Paul is the older man who will mentor you and offer you his experience. It has been hard for me to find older men these days, but I have been blessed with several over the years. Timothy is the young man whom you build into. But it’s Barnabas whom I track with the most, aptly described by Hendricks.

    A Barnabas is a soul brother, somebody who loves you but is not impressed by you. Somebody to whom you can be accountable. Somebody who’s willing to keep you honest, who’s willing to say, “Hey, man, you’re neglecting your wife, and don’t give me any guff!”

    What a great description of a true friend. Someone who loves you but is not impressed with you. Believe me these men are not impressed with me. But they love me. They want the best for me. They tell me the truth because I trust them with me and I have given them permission to speak truth with grace. I keep emphasizing the grace part. That is how God desires our community to look. I can only receive real love from you to the extent that you know the truth about who I really am.

    We all have blind spots in our hearts. I need a person who loves me enough to gently point them out.

    I hope you will find the courage to carefully trust someone with everything that is true about you. Maybe it starts with you being that person for someone else, to begin to see how it looks in practice. Finding a friend can be daunting and even paralyzing. Being a friend is something that all of us can do. We need each other. I hope you take the risk to be known. I give the last word(s) to Paul and his message to the church on Colossae. Marinate in these thoughts today.

    Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives.

    Colosssians 3:10-16, NLT

    Portions of this article from my book Stay: Lessons My Dogs Taught Me about Life, Loss, and Grace.

  • Could the Local Church Learn from Toby Keith’s Bar?

    Could the Local Church Learn from Toby Keith’s Bar?

    I write a lot about the importance of Christian community. I too often hear from wounded churchgoers that have not found a room of grace where there is freedom to be honest. At the risk of riling the ever present spiritual hall monitors I want to suggest a reason so many people leave the institutional church in frustration and pain. My thoughts were triggered by a song titled  “I Love This Bar” by Toby Keith. If you will hang with me to the end before launching the email barrage I think you will at least see my point. I understand that bars can be a dark place to anesthetize pain. But there is another dynamic of these gathering spots that we can learn from. In my oddly constructed brain I listened to this song and dreamed of what a community of seekers and followers of Jesus should look like.

    We got winners, we got losers
    Chain smokers and boozers
    And we got yuppies, we got bikers
    We got thirsty hitchhikers
    And the girls next door dress up like movie stars

    Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar.

    Toby Keith loves that bar because any type of person can show up and be welcomed without judgement. Philip Yancey had this provocative observation in his book “What’s So Amazing about Grace”.

    “Having spent time around “sinners” and also around purported saints, I have a hunch why Jesus spent so much time with the former group: I think he preferred their company. Because the sinners were honest about themselves and had no pretense, Jesus could deal with them. In contrast, the saints put on airs, judged him, and sought to catch him in a moral trap. In the end it was the saints, not the sinners, who arrested Jesus.”

    The early church was a mix of all types of people. The reason the faith spread against all odds is found in this description in Acts.

    And all the believers met together constantly and shared everything they had. They sold their possessions and shared the proceeds with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity– all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their group those who were being saved.  (Acts 2 , NLT)

    I suspect that body of believers resembled the motley crew that Keith outlines in his lyrics. We were created to be in this community. A safe place that accepts and embraces those different from us because of our bond in Christ. That is what makes church dynamic to a person who experiences grace and acceptance for the first time. And that is why church can be devastating when the congregation becomes selective, judgemental and legalistic.

    A lot of churches have grace in their name. I am praying for thousands of communities that have grace in their DNA. A safe place where everyone and I mean everyone feels welcomed and loved. In this sacred place we would pledge not to gossip because we would realize that it is only by the grace of God that we are not the current targets. A community of grace that would make it a practice to reach out, touch, and care for one another sacrificially because we know that we all fall down in life and in our Christian journey. In this place we would have executives holding hands in prayer with laborers and not thinking twice about it. Blacks and whites and Hispanics and others would break bread together because we are all sinners in the eyes of a color-indifferent God and all deeply needed in the body of Christ.

    This community of grace would give freely out of profound gratitude to a God who somehow saw fit to give us an undeserved chance. All of us would practice the prodigal son ministry, running to welcome those returning from mistakes and bad decisions. We would take the risk to get involved in the messiness of one another’s lives.

    In this room of grace we would welcome any spiritual travelers and make it a priority that no one ever feels alone. We would make each other feel valuable but, on occasion, a little uncomfortable. Being comfortable in church is not the primary goal. A community of grace would not back off the truth but would share with arms wrapped around our fellow sojourners.

    In this sacred room we would worship with reverence because we have received the most amazing gift ever offered.

    The sad reality is that most of us are afraid to commit to this radical type of fellowship because we aren’t sure what it would require of us. We want to maintain control and Jesus is asking us to do something radical. Grace is a white knuckle roller coaster ride of trust.

    That is my dream of what church should look like. And that is why Toby Keith’s song resonates with me.

    [Chorus:]
    I love this bar
    It’s my kind of place
    Just walkin’ through the front door
    Puts a big smile on my face
    It ain’t too far, come as you are
    Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

    Does walking through the front door of your church community put a big smile on your face? If not, what is wrong? Is your church come as you are or only come cleaned up and acceptable? We are made for community. The church needs to realize that it is not only a place of teaching and reproach but also a place of refuge and grace. A walk-in clinic for messy believers and messy seekers. We haven’t been honest that everyone is messy. Some just clean up better for show and tell. I agree with another quote from Yancey.

    “I rejected the church for a time because I found so little grace there. I returned because I found grace nowhere else.”

    Jesus is always ready to franchise a new room of grace. Here is the promise to hang on the door.

    Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

    That is not a message of law. That is a message of grace.

    No cover charge, come as you are
    Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

    That is another thing we have communicated poorly. There is no cover charge to join the body of Christ. Admission has been paid by the Lord Jesus. Come as you are. Really.