Charisa Stories

Tag: Kindness

  • Can Followers of Jesus Disagree with Grace?

    Can Followers of Jesus Disagree with Grace?

    Recently I wrote that the lack of unity is the single biggest problem in the universal church and, of course, in our individual fellowships.

    After posting that article I received a note from high school friend Lona Jo Pierson Bowman. “I agree. Can you go on to describe what unity looks like when we sincerely disagree with each other?”

    Uhhhh….thanks a lot Lona! I have been wrestling with that homework assignment for a couple of weeks. I made a conscious decision a few years ago to focus on communicating the message of grace and identity in Christ. With that I decided to avoid the polarizing path of politics. Some have told me that is cowardly but I can honestly say there is no message more important to me than the liberating freedom of grace. I want to share the joy of living out of what Jesus has already accomplished and God says true about me. That I am a saint. A new creation. A beloved child of God. I relate to the mission statement of Paul when he wrote these words.

    But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. (Acts 20:24, NLT)

    I feel called to be a messenger of hope and grace. Plus I feel like the negative team has a pretty full roster of contributors.

    I still believe that is my calling with these humble ramblings. But my friend’s question is a fair one. What does it look like to have sincere disagreements over cultural and political issues?

    It is fascinating how two people can look at the same information and reach completely opposite conclusions. So I am going to offer the “Grace Rules of Engagement” as a roadmap for civil discussion.

    • Sincere followers of Jesus can look at cultural or political issues and have very different opinions. Jesus loves His children on both sides of the argument.

    I know I have changed my views on some cultural issues over my years of walking with Jesus. I was a child in the era when divorce was a mortal sin. I absolutely am committed to the idea of a husband and wife taking their vows seriously. But I learned that the cultural shame of divorce caused many Christian women to feel trapped in relationships of abuse. Clearly that was not the desire of a loving Heavenly Father who ordained marriage. In those sad situations it is necessary to divorce an abusive spouse. In the pulpits of my youth the message was no divorce outside of adultery was ever justified. I had a blind spot about how a declaration that appeared Biblical could foster abuse. So many issues we discuss have similar and complex nuances. We need to discuss, not demonize.

    • The goal of a discussion should not be to win.

    Thoughtful discourse is impossible when one of the participants only cares about winning the debate. The goal of any conversation should be graceful exchange of ideas without rude interruptions, condescending gestures, or angry exchanges. I would rather have a goal of being winsome instead of winning. That attitude fosters conversation.

    • People of different viewpoints should commit to listen. Nothing shows respect more than carefully listening to the arguments of those with whom you disagree and then gently offering thoughtful responses.

    Listen to talking heads on television news shows as they “discuss” different points of view. As soon as one side starts talking the other shakes their head, smirks, and then interrupts and talks over the other person. How is that going to persuade anyone? Yet we tend to do the same thing when we have significant disagreements with people of faith. Listen. Really listen. Let them finish their point. Then respond in grace.

    • Ask questions.

    You will not influence another person by arguing. The way to connect is to ask questions and try to understand why they feel the way they do. I have found that many times people I talk with don’t have a solid reason for their feelings. That can be a opening to honestly discuss difficult topics.

    • Climb out of your bubble

    Find out what the other person is reading and watching. Expose yourself to different points of view and encourage those you have disagreements with to do the same. If you are confident in your beliefs there should be no fear in being exposed to differing viewpoints.

    • All of us are a work in process.

    Every child of God is in process. I am a very different Christian than I was 20, 10, or even 5 years ago. I am growing (hopefully) in grace and truth. I strongly believed and said things years ago that I am grieved about today. Thankfully God was patiently working with my heart and gently shining the light of the Holy Spirit on my blind spots. I need to give that grace to others.

    • Pray for wisdom and grace then leave the results to God.

    So what is the goal when you have sincere disagreements with another believer over cultural issues? Use the “Grace Guidelines” and relax. God may be using you to plant seeds in the heart of the other person. Maybe you have a blind spot that needs the refining work of the Holy Spirit. Share your heart with love and kindness and be open to the possibility that you may be the one who needs to change your heart.

    • Grace never cancels

    Grace does not “cancel”. Grace does not shame. Grace does not answer anger with anger. The person you totally disagree with may be crying out of pain and deep wounding. Perhaps a gentle answer will give hope. Grace does not lash out when challenged. Grace is kind and gentle.

    Being graceful can be a pain in the hind regions but it is what we are called to offer to others. Paul addresses this to the church at Colossae.

    Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

    Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

    Colossians 3:12-17, NLT

    Perhaps the most important thing all of us can do to further the unity in the body of Christ is to memorize that passage and try to implement those words for 30 days. By the grace of God it could become a habit.

    Be kind to those who disagree and remember the words of author Alexander MacLaren. “Kindness makes a person attractive. If you would win the world, melt it, do not hammer it.”

  • Time for a Family Conference!

    Time for a Family Conference!

    While our three sons were living under our roof there were five words that struck fear in their hearts.

    “Time for a family conference”.

    They knew that I was about to have a conversation with them and I was going to do most of the talking. I suspect they felt I was being punitive when I called for a conference. The truth is I was pursuing protective love and not punishment. Protective love sees a family dynamic that is hurting someone in the family and when one in the family is hurting all of us are hurting.

    When I see the current dynamics of my Christian family I wish I could call a family conference with a heart of protective love. I see social media posts from friends who identify with Jesus that are downright mean and ungraceful. Some repost things that are supposed to be funny but are disrespectful. Others repost sensational stories without verifying them. All of those actions dim the light of our witness.

    I totally understand that there are cultural trends that dismay followers of Jesus. I support standing up for the truth. But I am convicted more than ever that the only way to have an impact is to communicate that truth in love.

    I already know the push back from some readers. They remind me that Jesus got angry and even destructive when he overturned the tables in the Temple. Fair point. So I have compiled a brief survey to complete. Please check each statement that is true about you.

    _____ I have never sinned.

    _____ I know with 100 per cent accuracy the heart and motives of those I disagree with.

    If you can check both of those statements then I will happily grant you the “Jesus Exemption”. For the rest of us I would suggest that we concentrate more on following the words of Jesus.

    “Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that?” Luke 6:31

    Or maybe we should follow the example of Paul. He found himself in Athens surrounded by people that had to upset him. His strategy was brilliant and instructive for social media today. I wrote about it in When Bad Christians Happen to Good People.

    What if we decided to be a kinder and gentler culture warrior, fearlessly and boldly confronting the culture with a great and incomprehensible love? I can tell you in advance that the results would be mixed. Acts 17 documents the apostle Paul’s visit to the city of Athens, a city that caused him great distress (the Greek word, roughly translated, means “ticked off”) because the city was full of idols. Yet, instead of arguing with or maligning the Jews and God-fearing Greeks, he reasoned with them and others who came to listen. Paul was introducing them to some strange ideas, and they wanted to know more. Verse 21 notes that residents of Athens spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas. Their pastime could be considered an ancient version of our talk-radio format. I love what happens next. Paul met his audience where they were. He stood up and said, “Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship [notice no condemnation of the idols that Paul obviously found distasteful], I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you” (verses 22-23).

    Brilliant! In broadcasting this is known as packaging your idea. You set up a common interest and then tease the audience with the coming payoff to keep them tuned in. But what if Paul and the early believers had approached Athens with some of the strategies we use today? Several believers would march throughout the marketplace defiantly holding up placards:

    “If you think you are stoic now, wait till the Lord returns!”

    “Hey, Epicureans…the party’s over!”

    What if Paul had stepped up and announced, “Repent, you pagan, godless sons of the devil, before you burn in a fiery hell. Take your idols and put them where the goddess of sunlight doesn’t shine.”

    I don’t think Paul would have had much of an audience, let alone success. When he finished speaking to the crowd in Athens, the Bible records the box score. It’s pretty much what you and I can expect when we sincerely and lovingly explain our faith. Some of them sneered. Some of them said, “We want to hear you again on this subject.” And a few “believed.” Paul endured all that he did for those who believed and those who wanted to hear more. He could not have enjoyed the sneers. While that response is not unexpected, it is never fun.

    The early church had no chance to “win” the culture war. Instead they built a community of believers that infiltrated the culture.

    Winning hearts almost always works by communicating the truth with grace and love. Truth communicated as law will harden hearts. Truth communicated with grace and love has a chance to soften and change them. To wit, I have never seen one single example of a person persuaded by a Facebook rant. I have seen hundreds hardened in their beliefs (right or wrong) by those tactics.

    Change happens when the God’s love breaks through the hurt and confusion of the past and shows the future hope of grace and forgiveness. I will buy you coffee if you can show when a change of heart happened by being harangued and called names. Change happens when the gentle and quiet voice of the Spirit touches a wounded heart. So my plea to my fellow followers of Jesus is to realize you represent Him when you proclaim your truths in the name of Jesus. If you can’t be graceful you might prayerfully consider removing the Jesus tags from your bio. I don’t say that to be mean. I am simply saying if you are representing Jesus you have this standard to follow.

    God blesses those who work for peace,
        for they will be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9

    And I might call in Paul for backup at my family conference.

    Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29

    Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone. Colossians 4:6

    I know how easy it is to get riled up with internet threads. Remember who you represent and respond accordingly. Jesus makes it clear.

    A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. Luke 6:45

    All followers of Jesus need to prayerfully examine our hearts before we hit send.

  • 21 Connect: Day 12 – Kindness is Contagious

    21 Connect: Day 12 – Kindness is Contagious

    The apostle Paul laid out the challenge for followers of Jesus in his letter to the church in Ephesus:

    Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

    I used to be impressed by talent and prestige. Now I find that I am more impressed by kindness. Billy Graham observed how we all—especially children—benefit from a little kindness:

    “Often the only thing a child can remember about an adult in later years, when he or she is grown, is whether or not that person was kind.”

    Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the sadness and problems around me. Sometimes I think it is a hopeless world we live in. But I can do something. I can be kind. Edward Everett Hale once said, “I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do.”

    I am not trying to shovel guilt on you or myself. Maybe we should be more intentional about being the body of Christ, rather than relying on government programs to do our job for us. I want the grace that God has given me to make my heart sensitive toward the poor as well as toward hurting and spiritually seeking people. It is hard to spend much time in the New Testament and not realize our challenge to be the body of Christ. Here is a very small sample:

    If anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? 1 John 3:17 , ESV

    What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
    James 2:14-17, ESV

    Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 , ESV


    The charge of hypocrisy leveled at the church has a lot to do with our obsession with sin management over living a life of kindness, grace, and service. If I am not living out of grace, then Jesus’ arms aren’t reaching as far as they could through me. Kindness is clearly step one.

    Kindness doesn’t require great skill or advanced degrees. I can be kind with a PhD or a GED. I do not have to like someone to be kind. I have to remember that kindness means disconnecting from devices, so I can actually see and react to those around me. Kindness is powerful. Kindness tears down walls. Kindness builds trust.

    Kindness shows the love of Christ through my imperfect efforts. As a Christian, kindness gives those I encounter a reason to listen to my message of redemption and grace. In return, I will be changed, receiving the greater gift.

    I think writer Alexander MacLaren summarized it beautifully:
    “Kindness makes a person attractive. If you would win the world, melt it, do not hammer it.”

    Kindness is contagious and that is something we should run toward and not distance from. Especially now.

    Taken from Waking Up Slowly

  • Can We All Move to Mr Roger’s Neighborhood?

    Can We All Move to Mr Roger’s Neighborhood?

    The day after a wonderful Thanksgiving Eve family gathering we checked out the new movie about the iconic children’s star Fred Rogers. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood is based on the real life relationship between Rogers and Esquire magazine writer Tom Junod.

    In the movie the cynical journalist has been renamed Lloyd Vogel. Known for his unflinching exposes of people and events, Vogel chafes when receiving an assignment to do a “puff-piece” on television’s Mr. Rogers. Vogel approaches this story determined to find out if this gentle man is a fake. His skepticism prompts one of the best exchanges in the movie with his long suffering wife.

    Lloyd Vogel: I’m profiling Mr. Rogers.
    Andrea Vogel: Lloyd, please don’t ruin my childhood.

    I will not offer any spoilers. I will say the movie was not what I expected. It was much, much more.

    I have a confession to make and an apology to offer. I was “too cool” for Mr. Rogers. I mocked his sweater, slippers, and unique delivery. As a fellow Christian I am sorry I did not see what the one time aspiring Presbyterian minister was creating in his special neighborhood.

    Fred Rogers took the truths of grace and quietly created a place of acceptance and safety.

    His principles are straight out of the Gospel. And like the Jesus he studied in seminary Rogers also chose to focus his patient words toward children and those who could be tough to love.

    Fred Roger’s offered this wisdom to Vogel. “I think the best thing we can do is to let people know that each one of them is precious.” That is the overriding theme of the Gospel. That Jesus was willing to give up His life for every person because they are precious.

    There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13, NLT

    In this neighborhood Fred Roger’s addressed the difficult topic of forgiveness. “Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life’s important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives.”

    It is hard to imagine what a cultural bombshell this teaching was from Jesus. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

    And Jesus told the mind boggling parable of the Prodigal Son who did every single thing wrong and slithered home to find his father running to embrace and welcome him back to the family. Why? Because he was precious in his father’s eyes.

    Roger’s smile radiated as he repeated this line over and over. “I like you just the way you are.” You didn’t have to try and be someone different to be in his neighborhood. And you don’t have to do anything special to be welcomed in the into the family of Jesus. Simply bring your need and trust. Just the way you are.

    Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29, NLT

    Fred Rogers never shied away from tough topics like divorce, death, and pain. “There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.”

    Contrary to the heretical prosperity teaching of some, Jesus never once said this journey would be without pain. He did give a priceless promise that gives me hope.

    33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33, NLT

    None of us gets out of this life unscathed. Followers of Jesus have the hope that those trials will be redeemed as we grow more like Him. Perhaps one of the greatest truths of grace is summed up by Rogers

    “Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.”

    That is what grace does in the journey of a believer. Because of Jesus we are a new creation, loved exactly as we are on our best or worst days, forgiven and loved as His precious child.

    Jesus also had something to say about neighbors.

    “…an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

    37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[e] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

    I can’t believe I didn’t recognize the principles of grace that Fred Rogers instilled through characters and stories into his gentle neighborhood. As I left the movie I voiced a minor complaint to Joni.

    “That was really powerful but I wish they would have made a bigger deal out of his faith.”

    Her reply was spot on. “He didn’t make a big deal out of his faith. He just lived it.”

    And maybe that is the biggest message Fred Rogers left with his fellow believers in Christ. Maybe we should quit worrying about how others view our faith or if we are getting a cultural fair shake. Maybe we just need to live it.