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Thanks to everyone who so graciously expressed condolences and offered prayers during my Mom’s illness and recent death. God continues to gently teach me as I begin to absorb that both my Mom and Dad are gone from this world. Several weeks ago my niece told me about a song by the group Diamond Rio. The song is called “God only cries for the living” and I have been visiting that tune pretty regularly recently. Here are some of the lyrics from the song.

God only cries for the living,
‘Cause it’s the living that are left to carry on.

That is a hard truth. The living are left with the financial and legal affairs. Disposing of personal items that generate tearful memories. And the living are left in a place that Scripture tells us is only a temporary dwelling place. Paul writes about our “dual citizenship” in his letter to the Philippians.

For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven.

It was interesting to talk to the hospice nurses who cared for my Mom. One nurse said that it is nearly impossible to not believe in something beyond this world when you watch so many people die.

Everyone knows that we have a finite time on earth. I believe that there is more than just my 53 plus whatever years I will live here. So I must decide how to navigate how I live this life while being mindful of the next. There is a balance that is implied by the concept of dual citizenship. I remember a quote that some Christians are “so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good”. That is not what Paul is saying. Clearly we have a spiritual purpose in this life. Jesus gave us our purpose with these two items that He made clear are not just helpful guidelines…they are commandments.

“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

It reminds me of the line from the movie Bull Durham concerning the game of baseball. “”This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.” In many ways Christianity is a very simple faith that we have made incredibly legalistic and difficult. To paraphrase the line above. “You love the Lord your God. You love your neighbor. Sometimes it is easy. sometimes it is hard. Sometimes life rains on you.”  I wonder how the body of Christ would look differently if we concentrated on those two simple commands? Would we would worry so much about the worship music style and the vestibule carpet color? As we concentrated on those two commands we would look forward to making the move to our heavenly home.

 “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?  John 14 NLT|

The song from Diamond Rio echoes the belief that Jesus has gone ahead to prepare a better place.

An’ all the angels up in Heaven,
They’re not grieving because they’re gone.
There’s a smile on their faces,
‘Cause they’re in a better place…

I believe that my Mom is a better place. I love my life on this planet. I am not anxious to leave my family and friends. But I am not afraid. This lyric from the song by Diamond Rio portrays a powerful thought.

God only cries for the living,
‘Cause it’s the living that are so far from home.

That becomes more and more real to me as I get older. I have so many family and friends that have gone ahead to their eternal home. I miss them so much. But I rejoice for them because I am  realizing that I am the one who is so far from home.

 

 

 

The prevailing theme at my Mom’s funeral this week was how she finished strong. I have been thinking a lot about that topic. A recent conversation came to mind with a person who could not let go of past failures, bad decisions, and missed opportunities. My Mom’s life drove home a very important fact. God does not care about yesterday. His focus is on today and how we live and respond in this moment.  How I wish that we could wrap our minds and souls around that as well. We too often live in regret of the past and fear of the future. Neither place is God’s will for His child.

Christians believe that Jesus forgives us. It is a simple act of faith. Nothing that we can do to earn or work for this forgiveness. It is a gift of grace.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.”

Americans have a cultural value of working for and earning what we get. The salvation that Jesus taught is an enigma to our culture. Surely we must do something to earn it. We often struggle with other aspects of the gift of grace. We are, Jesus says, forgiven. But we cannot forgive ourselves. We cannot forgive others. God no longer sees our past sins. But we still live in the past. I have seen that real forgiveness releases the past and allows us to live today. I have made many mistakes in my past. But I am praying that I can continue to learn that God cares about what I do today. You plan for tomorrow but you live in this day. That is all we are guaranteed. And frankly, the rest of this day is not sure. So I join with Paul as he write this to the church at Philippi.

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,  I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.  NLT

I pray that I will finish strong. Allow me to take Paul’s athletic metaphor and put it into my world. For twenty three seasons I have directed Major League baseball games. I am the faceless guy (actually I have a face, it just isn’t on camera) that selects the camera shots that you see during a televised game. Over the years I have learned this valuable spiritual lesson from the National Pastime. I have learned how important it is to be a good closer. In baseball parlance the closer is the pitcher who comes into the game in the last inning to protect the lead and finish off the win. It all comes down to the closer. If he does well the collective efforts of nine position players and the pitchers that proceeded will have a happy ending. If the closer fails all of that effort is wasted. So what is the spiritual lesson learned from a baseball closer? 

Closing out well is critical as a follower of Christ. Sadly that is not a given. Many great men of the Bible did not finish well. They allowed the efforts of many around them to end in frustration and anguish because they did not close well. The honest portrayal of human success and failing is something I love about God’s Word. It is one important aspect that makes the Bible unique and real. The Bible does not spin the failures of godly men and women. Would you write a book attempting to persuade others to your beliefs and choose to have it detail many adherents who failed miserably? With all due respect to Mr.O’Reilly, the Bible is the original “no spin zone”. The successes and failures are equally displayed. Men with great stories still managed to not close well. Examples? How about the story of Saul? How sad to hear words like this at the end of your journey.

 

“How foolish!” Samuel exclaimed. “You have disobeyed the command of the LORD your God. Had you obeyed, the LORD would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. But now your dynasty must end, for the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart. The LORD has already chosen him to be king over his people, for you have not obeyed the LORD’s command.”  1 Sam 13  NLT

 

Imagine when the prophet came to Eli and proclaimed this dire message. What a kick in the spiritual gut this must have been.

 

“Therefore, the LORD, the God of Israel, says: The terrible things you are doing cannot continue! I had promised that your branch of the tribe of Levi  would always be my priests. But I will honor only those who honor me, and I will despise those who despise me.

I would be willing to wager (note to Spiritual Hall Monitors – a figure of speech – no actual wagering will occur) that Saul and Eli were planning on closing well. They had moments of great leadership and fellowship with God. But they couldn’t close. You know that Saul’s story ended in madness. The results for Levi’s sons were horrific. His family needed a man who could start well, stay strong, and close it out with integrity and faith.

I want to finish strong like my Mom. I want to close this journey with an effort that honors the One who was willing to finish for me. Paul understood athletics. Sports can be a good metaphor for life and he knew that well. At the end of my life race I have a couple of options that I could hear.

 

a)      You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.   Gal 5

b)      You have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith.  (Paraphrase of 2 Tim 4)

 

I choose b) for the words I want to hear. Author Kenneth Blanchard says, ‘There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.’

 

That is why I hold myself so accountable. I am committed to this journey with Jesus. And I accept no excuses in my own life. I will fall at times. But I intend to get right back up and follow Jesus faithfully. Regular readers of these ramblings (all six of you know who you are) know that I am a big fan of song lyrics to portray messages. Songwriter Mark Schultz is a brilliant writer/composer/storyteller. His song Time That is Left is rumbling through my mind as I sign off.

 

What will you do with the time that’s left?

Will you live it all with no regret?

Will they say that you loved till your final breath?

What will you do with the time that’s left?

 

And what will He say when your time has come?

And He takes you into His arms of love

With tears in His your eyes will He say “well done”?

What will you say when your time has come?

 

Pray that you will close well. Like my Mom.

 

 

 

My Mom died this weekend. There is the sadness of loss that is tempered with the joy of seeing her relationship with the Lord Jesus in her final months. The last year of my Mom’s life caused me to think of Al Michael’s famous question from the 1980 Olympics. “Do you believe in miracles?”

I do believe in miracles. I have seen one.

I loved my Mom but our relationship was challenging. She was raised in a family where love was not expressed. She could be very negative and her comments had stung me over the years. I knew that she loved me fiercely but I will admit that I grieved for a more gracious expression of her love. My Mom could be really difficult.

As her health declined I prayed that her relationship with God would be clear to her and to her family. Last summer I journeyed to Ohio to visit her. A group of Christian friends in Texas told me they would pray that I could discuss salvation with my Mom. I thanked them for their concern but in my heart I felt they were naive. They did not know my Mom.

Fast forward a few days as I am sitting with my Mom. The conversation is mundane. Out of nowhere she dropped this bombshell.

“How can you be sure that you are going to heaven?”

You could have knocked me over with a feather and I immediately thought of those saints in Texas praying for exactly this moment. And I felt a bit of shame because I was the naive one who doubted the power of prayer. I shared the gospel with my Mom. She assured me that she had trusted Christ as her Savior. The next question was nearly as surprising.

“What if you trusted Christ but haven’t lived it?”

Wow. What do you say to that? I chose to tell her the truth. That she was a child of God but she had forfeited a lot of joy by not walking more faithfully with Him. She had likely missed chances to serve and probably many blessings the Lord had desired her to experience. Still, there was a nagging question in my mind that I lacked the courage to address. I knew there were people who had hurt my Mom deeply and she showed no signs of forgiveness. I was fairly certain she would take that bitter anger to her grave.

But Mom took those comments about living for Jesus to heart. She chose to try to live for Him with the rest of her days. She told my niece that she had prayed more in the last year than she had in her whole life. She regularly asked me to pray for her and told me she was praying for me and especially for Joni as my bride battled breast cancer.

My Mom began to regularly tell me she loved me. That was something you didn’t say in her family. You were just supposed to know it. A few weeks ago she told me she was sorry if she had hurt me with her words or actions. That was the first time I had heard those words from my Mom in 53 years. It was a powerful moment of grace and reconciliation between us. When I saw her last week she kissed me and said, “you don’t know how much you mean to me.” But she was wrong. I finally did.

But the real miracle happened in her last days. My niece asked Mom about a woman she had felt so much bitterness and hatred toward. When I was told about her response the words sent chills through me.

“Oh honey. That was in the past. I have forgiven her.”

What irony that I have been writing about forgiveness and my Mom gave me a miracle of forgiveness as her final gift. Forgiveness can happen. It is never too late. For those who think they cannot forgive I will tell you that with God it is possible. I have witnessed a miracle to start the New Year. I am saddened that my Mom is gone but I am rejoicing in her victory. She was able to lay her burdens at the foot of the Cross and pass unencumbered into the presence of the Lord. I praise God that I have not lost my Mom. Nope. Now I know exactly where she is.

 

Mother Teresa was alleged to have said, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much”.  I think I understand how she felt. Regular readers of the humble ramblings know about Joni’s journey through breast cancer treatment. As she completed the bulk of her treatments I looked forward to the new year. Maybe 2007 would be better. But we never got to the ball dropping in Times Square before more troubles came our way. Joni noted that “bad news seems to come in waves”. I told her this was more like a tsunami. Just before Christmas we learned that one dear friend had entered hospice care. On December 27th the father of other close friends died unexpectedly. On New Year’s Eve I received a call that my Mom was not expected to make it through the night. Today I received a call that the 21 year old son of another friend had died.

As I hustled to Ohio on New Year’s Day I reflected on a difficult year past and a difficult start to the new one. For some reason a favorite old hymn came to mind. This is a song that has an amazing story. A song born out of tragedy and soul crushing grief. Horatio Spafford was a real estate investor in Chicago in the nineteenth century. His first tragedy was losing nearly all his wealth in the Great Chicago fire in 1871. Spafford was a friend of famed preacher D.L.Moody and the ministry of the great evangelist helped him to recover. Two years later, knowing that Moody was going to speak in England, Spafford decided to take the family there. At the last minute a business conflict delayed Horatio’s trip so he sent his wife and four daughters ahead.

On November 21, 1873, while crossing the Atlantic on the S.S. Ville Du Havre, the ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel and two hundred and twenty six people lost their lives, including all four of Spafford’s daughters. Somehow his wife, Anna, survived. On arriving in England, she sent a telegram to Horatio with the words “Saved alone”.

Can you imagine the devastation that Spafford felt? There was no internet or phones to comfort his wife. No direct plane flights to get there in hours. Horatio could only book his own ocean passage that would, ironically, pass the spot where his daughters had perished. It was in the Mid-Atlantic that Horatio Spafford penned the words to the song “It is Well with my Soul”. Imagine his anguish as you read these words.

When peace, like a river,
attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to know,
“It is well, it is well with my soul”

Chorus: It is well (it is well)
with my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

So as I face this tough patch of highway I remembered the words of Horatio Spafford.

“Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to know,
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”

And that has been a comfort through the sadness outlined above. It is well with the soul of our friend in hospice. It was well with the soul of the father who suddenly died. It is well with the soul of my Mom as she enters into hospice care. She rallied after that scary night and I was able to have good conversations with her. I am grateful for that chance. I am also grateful for Godly men and women who have shown us how to respond to sorrow. And unknown author once wrote that we have no right to ask when sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. The man of many sorrows, Job, once said a very similar thing in the midst of his inconceivable grief.

His wife said, “Still holding on to your precious integrity, are you? Curse God and be done with it!” He told her, “You’re talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God—why not also the bad days?”  Job 2 The Message

I am pretty sure that I would not phrase it quite that way to the lovely Mrs.Burchett. But his rationale was right on. We accept so many blessings and good days as our birth rite. Jesus never promised that there would be no bad days. And the next line in Job is the bottom line.

Not once through all this did Job sin. He said nothing against God.

It is important to note that Job was extremely honest with God. He clearly communicated his anger, frustration, and anguish. But he did not sin.

I hope that it is well with your soul. It helps peace to fill your heart when sorrows like sea billows roll.

 

 

 

Sometimes this humble little blog effort touches me deep in my soul. It is an odd phenomenon that you can feel the pain of strangers by reading their words and feedback. I have been writing about a topic that God has been working on in my life for many years.  Forgiveness. I still have a long way to go. But I have seen the debilitating effects on individuals, families, and churches when there is no forgiveness.

During my series on God’s Weight Loss Plan I received this heartbreaking message from a very honest reader who called herself “sinner”. Here is that post.

I doubt I will ever be able to forgive the pastor who hurt my family. We lost so much, so many opportunities were taken from my children, precious years are gone forever. I asked for help and got used instead and all these years later we are still dealing with the consequences of that pastor’s negligence and lies. Our own pastor made everything so confusing and difficult for so many years. My children, my children…they lost so much. I do not disagree with you or argue with anything you say. I am just trying now to help my children recover and I am doing it with no one helping me.

Here is the final line that really bothered me.

That pastor has all kinds of support but we have none.

How sad. But I know that is too often the case.  I immediately thought of a song by Casting Crowns (I should be on their PR payroll). Here are some lyrics from the song Does Anybody Hear Her?

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she’s going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

I was heartened when reader Sharon responded.

To “Sinner”
I don’t know anything about you, but I can tell you you have my support. Your response breaks my heart. I will pray for you and your family.

Sometimes the most simple expressions seem to help…

Sharon,  Thank you for your prayers, especially for my children who have lost the most. I am hoping that in time I will not even think about it anymore.

I am grateful that Sharon, your humble blogger, and I am sure many others did hear you and we are praying that God will heal this wound. You are accountable only for you. Forgiving will release you from the burden. That pastor will face the consequences of any wrong actions even if it appears he is not facing them now. So trust God for the ability to forgive and know that it can happen. I look forward to the day that we can celebrate that victory.

 

 

 

We have been outlining God’s Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan. With this plan you can lose the weight of bitterness and anger caused from lack of forgiveness. If you are carrying around an unforgiving spirit it is weighing you down spiritually and emotionally. Days one and two set the stage. Yesterday I outlined six facts about forgiveness. Today we wrap up the list.

Fact 7: Forgiveness is not denial of the hurt.

Pride will often cause us to “not allow the person who hurt us the satisfaction” of knowing we are wounded. That is absurd. Acknowledge the reality of the injury, but make the choice to be healed.

Fact 8: Forgiveness eliminates revenge as an option.

The late author Lewis Smedes makes a brilliant point about revenge. No matter how much we try “we cannot get even; this is the inner fatality of revenge.” When we start trying to get even, we have lost. How many times must I gossip about you to get “even” for the hurt you caused me? When is the scale even? Or do I need to have the scale tip a bit toward me to be satisfied? What a self-defeating pursuit that becomes! And the truth proclaimed by author Josh Billings is “there is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.”

Fact 9: Forgiveness lets go of the need to know why.

Forgiving hurt without explanation is part of the faith-tour contract we signed when we decided to follow Jesus. Author David Stoop notes that, “People choose the Path of Bitterness when they get caught up in trying to understand the reasons for the offense. They think, if only they could understand why the other person did what he or she did, they could get over it and let it go.”8 I have three words for that approach: does not work.

Fact 10: Forgiveness lets go of the need to be right.

Forgiveness requires humility. We can be 100 percent right about an issue and lose every relationship around us in the process. Or we can be just as right but exercise grace and humility and not leave a trail of battered sheep in the dust.

Fact 11: Forgiveness requires praying blessings on those who have wounded us.

Begin to bless and wish good things for those who hurt us. This may be my least favorite requirement. But Jesus said:
“When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person.” (Luke 6:28)

I do not like to do this. The last thing I feel like doing is praying for the people who hurt me. But here’s a secret: Praying for our enemies changes our attitude about them. When I was a kid I was a voracious reader of comic books (certainly one factor that explains my intellectual prowess). One of the advertisements that captivated me while reading those volumes was the little ad in the back of the comic book for the Incredible X-Ray Glasses. With these amazing glasses I imagined that I could see through walls. I will confess that not all of my intentions for the glasses were pure. But I was sure that with the X-ray glasses I could see people in a way I never had seen them before. I would suggest that is how forgiveness works. We put on the glasses of gratitude and grace and we see people who hurt us not as the enemy but as weak, fallible, needy people just like us. We see through their outer garments of pride and confusion and see the naked truth of sin. They are people who needed forgiveness (just like me) and perhaps have not reached the point in God’s timing to be able to administer forgiveness (just like me a lot of the time). They are sinners saved by grace…just like me and you. A key component of forgiveness is to not make the other person evil. The people who did not allow our terminally ill daughter Katie to stay in the nursery were not bad people. They were fallible and fearful people just like me, and to demonize them would have made forgiveness impossible.

Paul wrote in the Book of Romans that we should bless our enemies. The word “bless” can be translated to mean “to speak well of.” Now, Paul understands life in the trenches. He knows that we can smile that tight-lipped smile and say polite things about those who hurt us and be murmuring out the side of our mouth. So he throws the big punch right after the semi-colon.
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. (Romans 12:14)

Busted!

Did I say that out loud? Anyway, blessing our adversaries messes with their minds, so at least we get that satisfaction. As Abe Lincoln sagely asked, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” The Christian paraphrase is: The best way to destroy your enemy is to bless him in prayer. One of my favorite quotes relating to this issue comes from Pastor R. G. Lee. “Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons; but they are helpless against our prayers.”

General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought about a fellow officer. The man in question had been most unkind in his remarks about Lee, yet the general rated him as being “very satisfactory.” The person confronting Lee was astounded. “General,” he chided, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.” “I know,” Lee responded, “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me.” That, my friend, is the grace of God in action.

Fact 12: Forgiveness allows you to be selfish.

Say what? I have heard bitterness described as drinking rat poison and hoping the other person dies. Who wants that? I also appreciate the insight of author Hannah More when she writes, “Forgiveness is the economy of the heart…. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” When we follow the directive of Jesus and forgive, we are free to concentrate on the blessings in your life.

Lewis Smedes wrote powerfully about forgiveness. He often said only forgiveness can “release us from the grip of our history.” We cannot change an abusive upbringing. We cannot alter dysfunctional theological training that denied grace. We cannot simply deny the hurts that have been visited upon us and be spiritually free. Only forgiveness can release us from the grip of these real and historical events. And that forgiveness will drop the weight of bitterness and anger. If you only keep one resolution make forgiveness the one you keep this year.

We have been outlining God’s Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan. With this plan you can lose the weight of bitterness and anger caused from lack of forgiveness. If you are carrying around an unforgiving spirit it is weighing you down spiritually and emotionally. Days one and two set the stage. For the next two days we will look at some things I have learned (usually the painful way) about forgiveness.

Fact 1: Our ability to forgive is rooted in the depth of our gratitude.

The parable discussed in yesterday’s post is the basis for our first fact. The foundation of forgiveness is our gratitude for the undeserved forgiveness we have received through Christ. Take some time to meditate about how much you have been forgiven. In the gospel of Luke we read about a sinful woman who washes Jesus feet with her tears and dries them with her hair.
Jesus said, “Impressive, isn’t it? She was forgiven many, many sins, and so she is very, very grateful. If the forgiveness is minimal, the gratitude is minimal.” (Luke 7:47)
Phillip Yancey wrote about how Jesus always demonstrated forgiveness to the hurting. “I can’t help noticing the tenderness with which Jesus treated people with wounds caused by moral failure. A Samaritan woman with five failed marriages, a dishonest tax collector, an adulteress, a prostitute, a disciple who denied Him-all these received from Jesus forgiveness and reinstatement, not the judgment they deserved. Jesus saw in people not what they had been but what they could be, not their past but their future.” Christ has extended the same forgiveness toward us. It is an awesome act of grace that should make us overflow with a gratitude that influences our willingness to forgive others.

Fact 2: Forgiveness is an act of trusting God for justice.

Forgiving is not the same condoning or diminishing an offense. Forgiving a person who has wronged you does not mean they are “off the hook” for any consequences or judgment that may result from their actions. Forgiveness is a personal act of your will that releases the other person from your condemnation. That is all Jesus asks of you; the offender is still responsible to God for the rest. By extending forgiveness you are not saying the offense was insignificant or unimportant. You are saying that you trust God to see that justice is dispensed according to His Holy judgment and timing rather than yours.

Fact 3: Forgiveness does not require amnesia.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. The old “forgive and forget” admonition was one of the biggest barriers I faced in my journey to learn how to forgive. You know the old mental challenge: Try not to picture an elephant in the room. You can’t do it. Instantly the image pops into your mind. The more I tried to be spiritually mature by forgiving and forgetting, the more my offender became an elephant in the room. That person or event was all I could think of. In time, if you entrust your need for justice for God, you will think less and less of the hurt the offense. C. S. Lewis wrote to a friend late in his life. “Dear Mary…Do you know, only a few weeks ago, I realized suddenly that I had at last forgiven the cruel schoolmaster who so darkened my childhood. I had been trying to do it for years.” To try to achieve a state of forgetfulness is to set yourself up for failure and frustration.

I must add, however, that while it is impossible to instantly forget we cannot to use past hurts as hammers against others. A man was complaining about his wife to his buddy. “Whenever we get in a fight she gets historical.” His friend corrected him, “You mean hysterical.” He said, “Nope, historical. She dredges up my past and reminds me of every thing I’ve done wrong in our marriage.” You may not forget the offense, but you can choose not to hold it against that person. Don’t get historical.

Fact 4: Forgiveness does not require reunion.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. Certainly it is a worthy goal to have the gift of forgiveness lead to the restoration of a damaged relationship. But it takes two people to reconcile, and you have no control over anyone’s response except your own. Your offender may not respond graciously to your forgiveness. He or she may not be ready to acknowledge their part in the offence, accept forgiveness, or desire to be reconciled. Again, all that is required of you is to extend the grace of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is an overflow of gratitude for how much we have been forgiven. If I put on a mournful face and declare that I will forgive my brother “because someone has to be mature and take the bullet,” well, that is not quite what Jesus had in mind. Puffing myself up with the false humility of martyrdom (e.g., heavy sigh…I guess I have to be the “Christian” here) is not “forgiveness.” That cannot restore me to my brother or to my Lord.

Fact 5: Forgiveness is an act of the will.

It is not a response to feelings. Forgiveness requires choice and faith, just like every miracle. If we decide to wait until we “feel” like forgiving (or worse, wait until the other person makes the first move) we will remain spiritually stuck. We must choose to forgive, and to trust God to eventually change our feelings. The Holy Spirit will reshape our feelings over the course of time.

Fact 6: Forgiveness does not mean you do not acknowledge the offense.

Jesus is not asking us to ignore reality. After all, if we have not been wronged, there is nothing to forgive. He is asking us to acknowledge how much we have been forgiven and to extend the same courtesy to others. Forgiveness is acknowledging the offense without cover-up or excuse and still choosing to forgive.

The rest of the “forgiveness facts” are coming on Day 4 of God’s Weight Loss Plan.