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I am taking a week off to spend with my bride. I am posting “gently read” articles from the very early days of this blog. Some of these posts are like new…only read by little old ladies on Sunday afternoons. Seriously, many of you missed these offerings. I hope you find something to enjoy.

Blessings,

Dave

 

If you read When Bad Christians Happen to Good People you know that I am not a fan of “Jesus Junk”. That is a term for the often tacky, sometimes offensive, and generally puzzling ways that we try to merge Christianity and our culture. The products range from the Jesus bobble head dolls to Christian breath mints. I had never considered bad breath to be a spiritual issue but I am still learning in my journey.

 

People now send me links to this stuff just to annoy me. Today I found out about  the new Talking Jesus action figure and it arrived just in time for gift giving on His upcoming birthday.  Herobuilders.com of Connecticut, USA, have announced the addition of a new hero to their ranks of action dolls – “the ONLY real hero,” in fact. Standing fully 12″ tall, the Jesus Christ Action Figure comes with an optional microchip.  When Jesus speaks he sounds like the late John Facinda of NFL Films narrating the 10 Commandments. You almost expect  Jesus to follow “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house” with some stirring music and “across the frozen tundra the mighty warriors rumbled.”  

                                                                                         

For only $34.95 you can have your very own Talking Jesus Action Figure. If you want to have your own “Come to Jesus Summit” with world leaders you can order the George Bush, Jacques Chirac, and Tony Blair action figures as well.

Another kind reader sent me news of the glow in the dark Passion of the Christ T-shirt. In the interest of fairness I will give the website description for you.                                                                                  .

 

You will never have a better opportunity to share your faith than a time like now. Let your light shine into the darkness with our ‘Passion of Christ’ glo t-shirt.

 

The instructions tell you that just by placing your t-shirt by a light source for 2 hours will allow your light to shine all night!

I am trying to understand how this works evangelistically. You charge up your t-shirt and go in search of sinners and dark places. So far so good.

 

Then you stride in boldly and all aglow and then you…uhh….

 

It breaks down for me there.

 

The list of Jesus Junk is astounding and embarrassing. Now the new trend is selling Jesus images on Ebay. Here is an actually item and description from a recent Ebay auction. I have inserted my own observations in italics.

 

On Sunday January 14th, 2001, my life changed forever.  I had been a heavy drinker for many years and on that day, I discovered what appeared to be the image of Jesus Christ on my grilled ham and cheese. (Just like Jesus to rock the Pharisees by appearing on a non-Kosher sandwich). After that day, I quit drinking (that would have done it for me too) and began to make much needed changes in my life.  I have kept this sandwich a secret from everyone, but it has served as a daily reminder of this magnificent miracle.  Now however, I feel that this sandwich should be shared with the hope that its image will inspire others to make changes in their lives.  I hope that the new owner will proudly display it for all to see. This sandwich is permanently sealed in a 1/2″ thick Lexan Plexiglas display case and is not intended for consumption (really good advice).  Item is not edible.  Item is intended to be displayed and visually experienced by self and others much as art would be appreciated.                 

                                                                          

And while the seller was gracious in wanting to “share” his sandwich with the world…there was a $350 minimum bid. There is a price on inspiring the world to change.

 

While this whole thing is embarrassing to me as a Christian there is also a strange comfort in all of this. Perhaps our strongest apologetic argument is that Christianity is flourishing around the world despite Christians. Clearly there is something far more powerful than our often sorry attempts to represent Jesus to the world. I wrote a chapter called “Godly or Gaudy?” in When Bad Christians Happen to Good People. Here is an excerpt from that chapter. 

 

Last night I had a dream.  I went shopping with Jesus.  We were browsing through a Christian book superstore.  He stopped at the What Would Jesus Do? bracelet display.  I found out what He would do.  He moved on.  Jesus picked up the Testamints breath mints and examined them.  Next He saw the Jesus and His dog statue portraying a young Jesus with a German shepherd.  Did I see Him chuckle?  The Jesus Saves air freshener for cars caught His attention.  He looked around at the rows of products and aisles of books, row after row of books about Jesus and how to know Him and be like Him and so on and so on.  “Why do you make faith so complicated?”  He asked quietly.  “I didn’t say figure Me out.  I said follow Me.”  That woke me up.

 

Two summers ago Joni and I did not have to turn on the morning news shows for visual entertainment. Every morning as we got ready for the day we would hear a familiar THUMP! That was the sound of crazy bird returning for his morning concussion. Our bathroom has a large half-moon shaped window near the ceiling. Every morning this bird would fly to the window sill, sit there for awhile, plan his attack, fly back a ways and hit the window full on. THUMP! He would do this over and over. Day after day.

(This is a stunt double bird…not the actual bird)

     Photo Courtesy Janesville Gazette

Because I like to think I am smarter than that bird I would laugh and make fun of him…mindlessly hitting the same window day after day after day. Stupid bird.

Then I would go out and imitate this poor creature with my own daily behaviors as a Christian.

Day after day I would go out and slam up against the same spiritual windows. Einstein was once quoted as saying that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I am not quite willing to concede that I was insane. But the truth is that I did approach my spiritual life the same way everyday while somehow expecting different results. If I am hitting the same window over and over maybe it is time to change my approach. Scripture tells me that I should be producing fruit in my walk with Jesus.

If I am truly grafted to the true vine I will be producing fruit. But I too often decide to THUMP against the window of my own desires and selfishness. Jesus said this in the Gospel of John.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.  John 15 NIV

Sometimes I make this so hard. I am asked to trust in Jesus daily. When I do that Jesus says I will produce fruit. Then the Father will give me whatever I ask in His name. Then He commanded me to love one another. That is not a “helpful suggestion“. That is a command. But that doesn’t fit my plan.

My strategy is to ask for the Father to give me whatever I ask first and then I will get around to producing fruit. THUMP.

And then I decide that some people I simply cannot love. THUMP.

I rationalize that I just can’t produce fruit right now because of  (insert difficult life circumstance here). THUMP.

Yep. I am a lot smarter than that bird. It only took me two years to figure out I needed to change my approach. Stupid bird.

 

 

I never missed the Lone Ranger television show when I was growing up. I suppose the portrayal of Tonto would not be politically correct today but what a young boy in Ohio saw was not stereotypes or politically incorrect images.  What I saw were men who cared about each other and had each other’s backs. I saw men who valued law and justice above personal vengeance. I saw two loyal friends.

I was remembering those “thrilling days of yesteryear” recently as my bride was going through another round of chemotherapy. I began to consider my role as Joni’s sidekick in this brutal journey. I was thinking how I could be her Tonto to ride alongside her. Remember Tonto’s greeting to the Lone Ranger? Tonto always greeted the Lone Ranger with the expression “kemosabe”. Wikipedia reports that the origin of this expression is somewhat unclear, but James Jewell, an early director of the radio series, said the name comes from a boy’s camp located on Mullett Lake, Michigan that his father-in-law had run from 1911 to 1941. The translation was said to mean “trusty scout.” Fran Striker, the writer of the Lone Ranger scripts, said the actual expression was Ta-i ke-mo sah-bee, which he said meant “greetings trusty scout”. In the pilot of the Clayton Moore TV series, “Enter the Lone Ranger”, Tonto explicitly states that “Kemosabe” means “trusty scout”. However, the phrase “faithful friend” has also been associated with the term Kemo Sabe. One such instance was in the 20th anniversary broadcast of the radio show, which recapped the Ranger’s origin. In the scene where the wounded Ranger awakens and recognizes Tonto, he says, “years ago, you called me Kemo Sabe.” Tonto replies, “That right, and you still Kemo Sabe. It mean, ‘faithful friend.’”

So I began to think about my role as Joni’s “Chemo Sabe” during these less than thrilling days of present year. I thought about the better or worse clause in our wedding vows. Cancer was not in the brochure I had pictured for our lives. But the amazing thing about the journey with Jesus is that He works good out of bad. Joni and I are drawing closer. I am realizing the strength and depth of her faith. I am amazed by her courage, spirit, and resilience. I am humbled by her lack of self pity. I appreciate the good days a lot more and trust Him more during the bad ones. For me it has been a privilege to serve a woman who has given and given to our family for so many years.

This morning I opened up Joni’s blog, I was blessed and deeply touched to read these words.

I am spending  my short summer vacation recuperating from my last “bad“ chemo treatment but I am so thankful that my husband Dave has been my rock. He has been my constant help during these difficult days.  He makes sure I take my medication for nausea and pain, he makes sure I eat even though I have cravings similar to when I was pregnant with the boys, he allows me to sit in the recliner all day and keeps reminding me that these difficult days will soon be behind us.  He has been keeping the house picked up, doing the dishes, the cooking and the laundry.  I don’t have the  energy or the ability to do any of these normal every day activities.  He does all of this while encouraging me and maintaining his regular job with the Rangers.   It is not easy for me to rely on someone else and not carry my fair load of the housekeeping responsibilities. 

I don’t like being sick but God keeps  reminding me that He is in charge of my body, the cancer, the treatments and the timing even though  I feel so out  of control.  When I am able to relinquish control of my situation is when He can work.  Lord, I thank you for Dave, my earthly rock, and I thank you that you are my true Rock.  Psalms 31:3  For thou art my rock and my fortress;  for thy name’s sake Thou wilt lead me and guide me. 

What an honor to be your “Chemo Sabe” my love. Hi Ho Silver! Let’s round up the bad cells, put them away for good, and ride into the sunset together. And we can sing the words of the Psalmist.

I will exalt you, O LORD,
       for you lifted me out of the depths
       and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 
 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
       and you healed me.

 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
       you spared me from going down into the pit.

 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
       praise his holy name.

 For his anger lasts only a moment,
       but his favor lasts a lifetime;
       weeping may remain for a night,
       but rejoicing comes in the morning.

 When I felt secure, I said,
       “I will never be shaken.”    Psalm 30  NIV

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to a  bonus Holiday edition of “Ask a Bad Christian”. The question came from a long time friend in the television business who asked “Bad Christian” the following question.

• Hello Dave,  I was wondering if you could do a story on grace and what it means to you. Thanks, Pat

I decided this was a good time to write about grace. Why? Because I needed it desperately this weekend. I wrote a lovely little piece last week about the happiest day of the year. I wrote that I thought picking a day based on circumstances and formulas is silly. I noted smugly that we should choose to focus on the Lord and our joy should come from Him. I wrote that I was going to choose joy that day. What was I thinking? Those who are honest about this journey know that when we determine to be more obedient we are often given pop quizzes. I hate the spiritual pop quizzes as much as I did the academic ones. But they are just as revealing about how I am doing. My pop quiz consisted of work situations that frustrated me and other people conspiring (I thought) to divert my focus and steal my joy. How did I do? I failed the test miserably. I was grumpy. I was discouraged. My joy meter barely moved. Then I remembered my little blog.

Later I regrouped and talked to the Teacher. That is when I remembered again what grace means to me. Yes, I failed miserably. Yes, I was disappointed in myself. Yes, I was a little embarrassed that I had written so boldly and flopped so easily. But here is what poured over my soul from the Holy Spirit.

You are my child.
I love you.

Grace always takes me by surprise. I am not conditioned by this world to expect love and acceptance when I have failed. I am conditioned to expect condemnation, shame, and rejection. But there was the Father God patiently and lovingly dealing with me. Mark McMinn, a professor at Wheaton College,  wrote these words in an article in Christianity Today.

“Seeing our sin occurs over a lifetime of pursuing God. Our vision is seldom restored in a single burst of light but with countless rays streaming into our darkened eyes over many years—and always in the midst of amazing grace.”

That is the power of grace in my life. In His infinite mercy God does not reveal the ugliness of my heart in one gigantic and loveless revelation that would destroy me. He chooses instead to gently chip away at the rough edges of pride, selfishness, and disobedience. The famous artist Michelangelo would often select a block of marble that others thought unsalvageable and then go to work on that ugly hunk of rock.  He once remarked, “I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.” That is what God’s grace means to me. He sees the beauty in the piece of rock that is me. And He sees the beauty that no one else sees. He lovingly and gently carves away the ugliness until a little beauty begins to come through. But He never gets angry and gives up if another strata of ugly crops up.

That is what grace means to me. Even on the days that I fail miserably I know that I am loved. I am accepted. There  is nothing that I can do to make God love me more and nothing I can do to make Him love me less. This is one place where the spiritual hall monitors are apt to jump in and complain about “cheap grace” in the church. Cheap grace means you don’t understand grace. Because grace understood would never translate to making such an amazing act of unmerited mercy trivial or unappreciated.

Paul and Barnabas proclaimed to the assembly that,  “We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved.” A common acronym for grace is God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. This weekend I experienced a new acronym for grace.

God’s
Radical
And
Complete
Embrace

Most of us know the story of slave trader John Newton who repented of his sin and wrote a popular little tune called Amazing Grace. When he said wretch he knew what he was talking about. At the end of his life Newton said to his friends, “My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things: That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Savior.”

He is indeed.

Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound. That saves and patiently perfects a wretch like me.

 

I was rummaging through various news sites and I found that I missed the happiest day of the year. Totally missed it! Last Friday was the happy day and I was clueless. Here is the too late (for me) story from USA Today.

• According to a scholar in seasonal disorders at a British university you should have felt happier than you have all year last friday. Cliff Arnall has analysed such factors as outdoor activities, nature, social interaction, childhood memories, temperature and holidays — data gathered over a period of 15 years in interviews with 3,000 people around the world. His conclusion: June 23 is the happiest day of the year.  “People across borders experience happiness when they meet with friends and family and establish close social relationships,” the University of Cardiff academic reported. “We need some close emotional ties.” He used what he considers a “simple equation” to reach his conclusion — O + (N x S) + Cpm/T + He. O stands for outdoor activities, N for nature, S for social interaction, Cpm for childhood summers and positive memories, T for temperature and He for holidays and looking forward to time off.

Because I have written a lot about civility I am trying to be kind about this formula. Would it be in indelicate and impolite to suggest that I also have a formula about trying to determine the happiest days of the year? Mine would be something like this. P (H) = BE.  P for predicting, H for happiness, BE for Bovine Excrement. I guess the grumpy old man factor came out there. I can understand how summer time, family, memories, and so on would lead to potential happiness. I also realize this is not hard science and a fun argument so please hold your cards and letters.

• Arnall has already figured out the saddest day of the year. It was January 23 — a Monday. “Surprise, surprise”, he quipped.

So at least grumpy old man has this day to not look forward to next year. Why I am a bit skeptical of circumstance based formulas for happiness? Because I am beginning to figure out that you can have joy even when circumstances wouldn’t necessarily reflect that emotion. We are going through a difficult journey with Joni’s breast cancer treatment. Circumstances might dictate that every day is January 23rd on the “simple equation”. But we have found daily joy in this formula. J + P + (F x L) + T = Joy.  J is for Jesus, P is for Prayer, F is for friends, L is for laughter, and T is for trust. The formula works for us.

The Psalmist wrote these words.

This is the day the LORD has made;
       let us rejoice and be glad in it.

He has made both June 23 and January 23. He also has made today, June 29th. So this is the happiest day of the year for me. Because I am choosing to follow the instruction of Nehemiah to Ezra. You might remember these words from a Sunday School song.

For the joy of the LORD is your strength

It is an odd day to proclaim that truth as Joni undergoes a chemotherapy treatment this morning. But we have found it to be true. Circumstance will too often rob you of joy. Choose joy in the Lord. As my dear friend Mike T. often proclaims, “That’ll work!”. And he has proved that it does when he had every reason to choose otherwise.

 

 

I know that when you signed up for these humble ramblings I told you there would be no homework. Well, you do have an assignment before you read today’s efforts. America’s Funniest Home Videos featured a hilarious clip of a toddler throwing a tantrum. Dear friend Sue sent me the link this week and I realized it fit perfectly into my Grumpy Old Man series.

Click here to watch the Toddler Tantrum.

If you didn’t detour to watch the video I will give you a brief description of the clip. If you have finished your homework skip to the next paragraph. The clip is called “The Crying Game” and it features a toddler who is intent on getting attention. He throws himself dramatically on the ground and wails loudly. When the Mom walks calmly by and ignores him, the child picks himself up and goes looking for Mom. As soon as he rounds the corner and spots her he throws himself dramatically on the ground and wails. Mom moves away again. Kid picks himself up and wanders off in search of her. When he spots he…yeah…you got it.

The video is hilarious. The child’s rage is so phony. His actions are so transparent. He is not fooling anyone. How childish and silly. And then I realize how many of us do the same thing nearly every Sunday. The difference is that we do the reverse. When we are spotting we quit throwing tantrums and start behaving. We are angry during the week or even on the way to church. When our church friends are not watching we are wailing about others, gossiping, and mean. As soon as we walk in the church door we are smiling like the homecoming queen during the parade. Just like that toddler, our spirituality is so phony. We are not fooling anyone. But in this case it is tragic, not hilarious.

We go to a place where honesty should be encouraged. Where shortcomings ought to be accepted. Church should be the place where you can say without fear, “I am struggling, I hurt, I need help”. But for some reason the opposite happens far too often. Two people who are really in pain could have this conversation every week in church.

“How are you doing?” (Insincere query…too busy to really care)
“Great, how are you?” (Dishonest reply…perfunctory courtesy question)
“Fantastic…great to see you.” (Really dishonest reply…safe dismissal salutation)

Am I advocating dumping our woes on everyone we meet? Of course not. But my fear is that we have created a culture where we feel there is something wrong with us if we are hurting. If I am struggling I must be doing something wrong spiritually. Shouldn’t God meet this need? What is wrong with me? The fact that God created us with a desire to be in community tells me that part of His plan to for us is being helped by other members of the body of Christ. I have quoted the lyrics of Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns in a previous post. They fit here again. Allow me to interject between the brilliant lyrics of Casting Crowns.

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

 How many times I have felt like that. If my walk right now was exposed I would be excommunicated from the faith. I am so dry that any spark sets my anger and emotions aflame. But do I confess that? Dare I confess that?

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

And there you have it. Most of us, at one time or another, have played this stupid game. Maybe I will believe it too if just tuck it all away.

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Satan would have us believe that we would be rejected if we dared to let other see the truth behind the person. Perhaps some would reject that. But I want to be willing to take a chance to be real. I want to be authentic and see where that takes me. I can’t find that authenticity with a painted grin and phony reply.

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

That is the giant that we face, isn’t it? That if we let people know what we really are that they will turn and walk away.

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Can we trust Jesus enough to close the curtain on the Sunday Morning Masquerade? Can we trust him enough to be authentic? Not needy and demanding. Just honest and real. There is so much more available to us in the body of Christ if we can let down the charades. Want some more homework?

Look up the “one another” verses in the Bible. Here is an example from Hebrews (10:24–35).

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  NIV

Implementing these “one anothers” into daily practice would go a long way toward eliminating Sunday Morning Masquerades.

 

I am embracing my new found role of grumpy old man. I suspect others have viewed me as a grumpy old man for some time but I am just getting around to embracing it. I am on the record as a huge fan of the Muppets. Two very underrated characters were Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys who sat in the balcony and criticized the show every week. I loved those guys. Here is a sampling of the sarcastic stylings of Statler and Waldorf.

Statler:  What would you do if you were a rich man?
Waldorf:  I’d buy the network and cancel this show!

Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show.
Waldorf: Who’s a fool? You watched it.

Statler: I wonder if there really is life on another planet?
Waldorf: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one!

Okay, I will concede that the Muppet faces and voices made the lines funnier.

I am thinking of auditioning for a grumpy partner to sit in the blogosphere balcony with me and critique the culture. Any takers?

Today’s topic for the still solo grumpy old man? Hypocrites. There is no more damaging name to lay on a church goer than the dreaded title of hypocrite. Sometimes it is used unfairly. Often it is a smokescreen used by folks who want an excuse not to examine faith in their own lives. You have heard the line I’m sure.

“I used to go to church but it is full of hypocrites.”

The temptation is always to remind them there is room for one more hypocrite in the building. The more mature response as followers of Christ is to examine that charge seriously in our own lives. The word hypocrite comes from a Greek word that means actor. How appropriate. People are watching. And we too often give Oscar caliber performances on Sunday morning. They see that on Sunday you’re a saint and on Monday you ain’t. And that does damage. It is time to look in the spiritual mirror and drop the masquerades. If we are following Jesus it will make a difference in our lives. I am not talking perfection or even close to it. But there should be ongoing changes and growth in your journey with Christ. Look up synonyms for hypocrite and you will find words like fraud, phony, deceiver, fake, impostor, pretender, and sham. Not pretty words. But if you think those are rough how about the words of Jesus on this topic?

I found sixteen times that Jesus used the word hypocrite in the New International Version of the Bible. Jesus did not pull any punches in his disgust for the “religious” types who were Sabbath saints only. We tend to read the words of Jesus that are directed at the Pharisees almost like we watch the boss chew out a co-worker. “Whew,” we exclaim, “I’m sure glad that is them and not me.” But the warnings of Jesus to the phony Pharisees are also directed at me…and you.

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 
 “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” 
 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”  

I am learning that God is not impressed by my showy words or worship. He is glorified when I take care of the widows and children without calling attention to myself. He blesses me when I give without expecting return. God does not want my eloquence in prayer, He wants my heart in prayer. He honors me when I serve without expectation. 

But there is more. This passage knocks me to my knees.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.  “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”

That is what scares me so much about my Sunday morning masquerade. I can clean up the outside real purty. But God knows what lies beneath. It is scary and painful and ugly to allow the Holy Spirit to start cleaning out the dirt, the dead bones, and everything unclean. But we will never experience God the way He desires to relate to us unless we are willing to do just that. Frankly I don’t see the point of being a Sunday Christian. If this is real we need to pursue it seven days a week. The hardest truth I have had to admit as a husband, father, follower of Jesus is that I make time for those things that are a priority to me. There can be short time diversions for work or circumstance. But over the weeks and months where I invest my time reveals my heart. That is a hard truth.