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A very dear friend is going through a deep trial. This faithful follower prays for wisdom, guidance, assurance and peace. The result so far is confusing. When they pray to hear the voice of God they hear spiritual crickets. Nothing. The frustration is real. I want to do something to help and all I can offer is prayer and presence.

But when we study how God works in our lives should we be surprised with the process? A song by Laura Story resonates with my soul when I face this question. The song is called “Blessings” and the words are profound.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity

There is nothing inherently wrong with praying for those things. But my attempt to maneuver God to grant my wishes is wrong. Laying out my will and praying for God’s Divine notary seal is not how this works. Blessings are not just receiving good things from God and that truth is beautifully captured by Story’s lyrics.

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Her lyrics come out of learning to trust the object of her worship even through the trials. Her website bio describes her journey.

A brain tumor hospitalized her husband in 2006 and Story relates the decision she faced during the crisis.

“But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make: whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, or whether we’re going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances.”

Our faith is not based on feelings or circumstances or checking off items on the prayer list. Our faith is based on the object of our faith. God is faithful. He hears our cries. But sometimes the answer is not what we desire. Paul learned the same thing and he wrote about it to the church in Corinth. You likely know the passage. Paul was given “a thorn in the flesh” that he begged three different times to be removed. Paul had a pretty strong signal on the Faith-o-meter. Five bars. But God said no. I like the translation from The Message.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.  (2 Corinthians 12, The Message)

The gift of a handicap? Are you kidding me? But as I look back on the deep valleys and trials of my journey I see God’s hand and my growth through those events. Blessings from the pain? Without question. And I am learning the truth of Laura Story’s experience.

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

More and more I am realizing that they are.

(Note: Laura Story recently released another powerful song titled Open Hands) Check it out!

One of my favorite songs from Carly Simon touched an emotional chord recently. That’s the Way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be features raw and emotional lyrics detailing the dashed dreams of too many marriages. These couples have everything they were sure would make them happy. A beautiful house, manicured lawns, and an Instagram picture perfect family. Yet the truth of their lives is starkly different. Carly Simon’s lyrics are haunting.

Their children hate them for the things they’re not
They hate themselves for what they are
And yet they drink, they laugh
Close the wound, hide the scar

My heart hurts that I personally know a lot of people caught in that cycle. They wear a mask and smile bravely through the pain. My heart cries out that there is a better way. There is a different path that ends in a room of grace. But you have to be tired enough and sad enough to quit trying to fix yourself and especially trying to fix others.

The net result of desperate self-effort is shown in the sad imagery of Simon’s lyrics. The belief is if we just try harder we can keep our love alive. But she has seen the reality of relationships built only on that shaky foundation and she sings this melancholy but insightful verse.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love’s debris

How sad that so many couples are relationally clawing to keep from “drowning” in love’s debris? Culture sells that love should be a non-stop euphoric feeling but when the feeling is gone we are free to go. God says that love is a decision to love because we have been loved first by Him. We are not free to leave when feelings wane because we have been redeemed at great cost.

I see the same dynamic of false expectations in my Christian journey. I hear others talk about their spiritual “victories”. How they always receive financial blessings and how dynamic their prayer life is everyday. Satan suggests that is the way it should be for me and the enemy notes constantly that I am falling way short. I cling and claw and drown in sin’s debris that, ironically, have already been taken care of at the Cross.

There is a better way. The way you’ve always heard it should be may not be the way it should be. What if the real truth is that relational happiness is not about the other person at all? What if it is realizing that you are a new person? What if happiness is about recognizing your need to live out of the new identity you received when you became a follower of Jesus?

Author Tim Keller wisely notes this truth. “If you seek righteousness first, you get happiness. If you seek happiness first, you get neither.”

And where do we find this righteousness? The truth is that righteousness found us first.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) (Ephesians 2:4-5, NLT)

It is entirely because of Christ. Nothing I have done or will do will make me righteous. I spent four decades trying to be “righteous.” When I hit a dry spell I would try harder, read more books, buck up and beat myself up because I felt so distant from God. Lots of “helpful” Christian friends would faithfully remind me that God hadn’t moved so it had to be me. So I disliked myself more and tried harder and God seemed even more distant. I had reached the end of my spiritual rope and that is where God is always patiently waiting. I cried out to Jesus something deep and insightful along these lines.

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!”

God does not get insulted by all-caps. In fact, I picture Jesus smiling at that point because I was finally ready to trust Him and not my own feeble clawing. I reached the point of brokenness that allowed me to finally let Him have full access to my heart. I reached the point where I no longer had to be right. I reached the point where I didn’t want to wear a phony mask of holiness. I reached the point where I was willing to trust God completely with everything about me. I reached the point where I was ready for grace. I was willing to believe what God says is true about me. That I am completely forgiven. I am completely loved. I am completely changed because of Christ. I am completely empowered with the Holy Spirit to mature into all of those things that are already true about me. I am righteous not because of anything I have done but entirely because of Christ.

If you are tired enough, discouraged enough, wounded enough and ready to scream you can’t do this anymore then I have good news. You are ready for grace. Marinate in these truths today written to the church at Colossae.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15)

God is waiting for you to experience His grace. There is a better road for your journey with Jesus and your marriage. Maybe the way you’ve always heard it should be is not the best way. What have you got to lose? For me there was so much to gain.

A song by Joe South reflected my teenage disdain for those in power who seemed to not care a whit about the regular folk. I check the comments of Millenials today and I realize that not much, if anything, has changed since this song was recorded in the turbulent late 60’s.

“The Games People Play” was recorded by Joe South and here are the first two stanzas.

Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now
Never saying what they mean

And they wile away the hours
In their ivory towers
Till they’re covered up with flowers
In the back of a black limousine

I have to admit that a bit of the anger and power of the protest was diminished with this hard-hitting chorus.

La-da da da da da da da
La-da da da da da de
Talking ’bout you and me
And the games people play

Hard to gin up a lot of “in your face” intensity and passion when you are singing “la-da-da-da-da-da-da”. My frustration with the hypocrisy I saw in my church was fueled by this lyric.

People walking up to you
Singing glory hallelulia
And they’re tryin to sock it to you
In the name of the Lord

We thought we could change the world by promoting love, hope and peace.  I see the same anger directed at my generation (pretty much deserved) that we felt toward my parent’s. I read how this generation is going to change things by promoting love, hope and peace. Can you say full circle?

We thought that hope would be realized with a leader or a political party. We believed that change would come because of kindred politicians or better laws or courts that would establish justice as we saw it. We thought that the right leader would make sure that we educated every child no matter their circumstance. We hoped that this political savior would provide for the needs of every person at no cost to them. We were wrong by placing that hope on the government without putting responsibility on ourselves.

So many people are placing their hope for happiness on political candidates and parties. I do believe that leaders make a difference. I care deeply about making an informed and prayerful choice. But I never place my hope or desire for change on a politician. The word hope is used about 80 times in the New Testament. The first appearance of the word in the NIV translation pretty much lays out my belief.

“In his name (Jesus) the nations will put their hope.” (Matthew 12:21, NIV)

Paul wrote about the hope that I have in his letter to the Romans.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13, NIV)

The second chorus of South’s tune has a real pearl of wisdom.

God grant me the serenity
To remember who I am

That is what I have learned since I was the frustrated and all-knowing young man hellbent on changing the establishment. I remember who I am. I am a follower of Jesus. A child of God. A servant who is humbled by His amazing grace.

I will be shocked if our leaders in Washington decide to work together for us and tone down the rhetoric. But I will not be surprised one bit if they do not. I have hope that is real. I have peace that transcends circumstance. Because of those truths I can deal with the rest of the news. I believe that no matter what happens in Washington in the coming months and years I am convinced that the following statement is true.

God is in control. And that is where my hope rests today.

Occasionally people will observe our three wonderful sons and ask something like this. “What did you do to parent such great kids?” My response is simple. “I married Joni. The rest is a blur.” There is a little too much truth in that answer. She was and is remarkable. But we did partner in this grand adventure called parenting. Along the way I learned some things mostly by error and stumbling trial. Over the next two days I will share what I have figured out with the disclaimer that I do not claim to be an expert. It is with humility and grateful appreciation to God that He has given me the gift of this family.

One thing I have learned in my journey is that every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is whether that legacy will be good, bad, or indifferent. Being a father is tough because we learn how to parent while on the job.

Ken Druck and James Simmons in The Secrets Men Keep discuss six major secrets men have. At the top of the list is that “men secretly yearn for their fathers love and approval.” This is often without their conscious knowledge that this yearning manifests itself in the drive that many males have to prove themselves. The authors say:

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers …. Of the hundreds of men I have surveyed over the years, perhaps 90 percent admitted they still had strings leading back to their fathers. In other words, they are still looking to their fathers, even though their fathers may have been dead for years, for approval, acceptance, affection, and understanding.

These articles are not about being a perfect dad. If it were, I would be completely unqualified to write it. This series is not about piling guilt on you for mistakes made. I am not looking for the result like the boy who said to his preacher on the way out, “Boy, that was a good sermon. My dad slumped way down today.” This series is seeing what God’s plan is for leaving a positive legacy as an earthly father.

The first way to leave a good legacy is found in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV, Ephesians 5:25)

The translation in The Message says this.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting.

The number one way to leave a great legacy for your children is very simple:

Love your wife.

If you are already 0 for 1…or 0 for 2…hang with me. God is a God of grace and compassion. We will see how He can work even when the ideal is no longer possible in upcoming posts.

The idea of marriage as an absolute commitment is an endangered species. Our culture has devalued marriage to the point where far too many people enter relationships on a trial basis with no expectation that it can last. I will guarantee you one thing…that mindset will make it much more likely that it will not last. Had Joni and I shared that value we would be a stat and our children would be from a divided home. Why should followers of Jesus believe that marriage is for all time? A report by Warren Mueller revealed that where both parents attend church regularly, 72% of their children continue in the faith. Where only the father attends, that percentage drops to 55 percent, but where only the mother attends, just 15 percent of the children remain involved in the church.

Theodore M. Hesburgh wrote that the “most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

Your children watch how you treat their mother. They watch … and they are learning and forming their concept of marriage from you. You are creating a pattern, a blueprint for marriage with your children. I struggled as a husband because I had not seen that blueprint in my parents’ marriage. My Dad was a good dad but my parents did not have a good marriage. Joni and I had to break the cycle because she also came from a difficult family situation. Because we broke the cycle our kids have seen a marriage that survived, and not only survived but is happy. But we had to do a lot of learning on the job.

Part of my preparation for this series was a survey of my three sons. I asked my sons three questions and not one of them was “What is your quest”.

What were their favorite memories with me?
What did they learn from me as a dad?
And what do they wish I had done differently?

Yeah…that last question scared me for one major reason. My sons are truthful. But I figured if I had done something really wrong in their eyes I wanted to seek forgiveness now. I thought the exercise would make them consider how they could be better fathers and how they could break more cycles.

Our oldest son Matt wrote a little extra in his letter:

And thank you for being committed to Mom.  It is a rarity to have a family that is not broken.  But you gave up bigger things to make sure we stayed together and that has made all the difference.

I loved how The Message gives a fresh twist to Paul’s familiar words to the Ephesian Church.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:25, The Message)

If you are still able to control this one move it to the top of your list. The first step to leaving a good legacy as a dad is to love your wife!

What if we are stubbing our toes on the sacred every day and not realizing it?

That is one of the taglines promoting my book Waking Up Slowly. The book proclaims that we are the most connected culture in history but arguably the most disconnected from the awareness of God’s presence. I examine twenty-one different attitudes and actions that cause me to miss the sacred moments that I believe can be found in every day.

But like the believers of the early church at Galatia I have an amazing ability to forget what I have learned (and written). Paul could have addressed this to me in recent weeks.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for He is the one who called you to freedom. (Galatians 5:7-8, NLT)

I run along smoothly for a day. Sometimes two. Then I forget who I am. Not my actual name. I generally can recall that. I forget who I am in Christ. I forget that God has my back and my future. I fret about nothing. The answer to Paul’s question about who has held me back from the truth is simple and convicting. That would be me.

And then I get a postcard from God in the most unexpected way.

During our annual beach trip to Gulf Shores, Alabama I was wading in the Gulf with daughter-in-law Holly and almost two-year-old Madeline. Nestled in her Mom’s arms she giggled when the waves crashed around her. Suddenly we heard this frightening bombshell from Madeline.

“Paci…wawa!”

Her beloved pacifier had fallen into the Gulf. Parents and Grandparents know this moment of abject panic and Madeline was predictably unhappy. I began frantically searching for it but Holly assured me there was a backup and a backup to the backup at the house.

I decided to go to edge of the surf anyway and see if it might wash ashore. Nothing. A few minutes went by and I gave up the search. I walked a few yards down the beach and explained the story to our neighbors.

“If you happen to see a pacifier wash up on the beach you can be the hero of the week! We are in the yellow house over there.”

They laughed and we chatted a bit more. I started to leave with this line.

“If Jonah’s whale spits up the pacifier let us know.”

As I turned to rejoin the family I looked down. To my sheer amazement I saw  this incredible sight two feet from my two feet.

I am not proud of my reaction.

“I think that is her pacifier,” I said knowingly as if pacifiers routinely roll in with the tide and I had to double check to make sure this one was hers. The couple was amazed. A young man in his twenties had been listening to the exchange and he responded with the most honesty.

“How the H*** did that happen?”

I just laughed. I had an idea that God had just sent a postcard to his forgetful child in the most playful way. I had written from Psalm 139 that God knows everything about me. That He is everywhere I am. And that God ordains everything about me.

What are the odds of a pacifier depositing itself two feet from me on the beach several minutes after it went in the drink? By the way, the current was very strong that day. I know it is possible. I know that some will write it off to coincidence. I am choosing to believe that a loving Father decided to have some fun with His child. The God who created the Heavens and earth can no doubt direct a little piece of plastic to a predestined destination. I don’t mean to compare my little water miracle to the deliverance of the children of Israel but I can proclaim His greatness.

“Who is like you among the gods, O Lord—
    glorious in holiness,
awesome in splendor,
    performing great wonders?  (Exodus 15, NLT)

You should have seen the look on Holly’s face when I returned with the treasure. Even better was the joy on Madeline’s countenance. She may not get the theology yet but she sure understands gratitude.

Call it luck if you wish. I call it something else. A postcard from God.

Join me on a journey to become more connected to God and one another.